


A World of Embers

by briaeveridian



Series: Canon-Divergence [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, HEA, Happy Ending, I'm so bad at summaries, Light on action, One True Pair, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, Soft Han Solo, angst angst and more angst, canon-divergence, chapter 18 is a playlist, confronting replacement child syndrome, heavy on feelings, just a smidge of smut, minimal child abuse, multiple POVs, parenting is hard, parents are humans too, plutt is a jerk to rey, previous name: a past unwritten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:26:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briaeveridian/pseuds/briaeveridian
Summary: After years searching, Han and Chewie track down theMillenium Falconon a junkyard planet they would have preferred to never visit. When a guilt-ridden Han encounters a young girl barely scraping by in the desert, he suddenly cares about more than just retrieving his ship and makes a rash decision that has ripple effects throughout the galaxy.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Canon-Divergence [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918030
Comments: 207
Kudos: 163





	1. Chapter 1

“You ready, Chewie? It’s time we got her back.”

Chewbacca yelps in the co-pilot’s seat, warning that it might be another dead-end.

Han shrugs. He knows the words are overly optimistic and premature. But they have been searching for the _Millenium Falcon_ for a long time without anything beyond dreams to sustain them. 

“Yeah, well. I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

The _Eravana_ leaves hyperdrive and the stars shorten to points of cold, clear light. In front of them is a planet painted with shades of brown. Han feels his positivity ebb slightly.

They descend through atmo and Han searches for a place to land. It becomes obvious at once that it could happen anywhere. Chewie groans. 

“I know, I know, buddy. Jakku is ugly.”

A desolate expanse meets their eyes. Han balks at the endless undulation of dunes. It’s hard to imagine that this planet was once lush and verdant. Now it hosts mostly graveyards, both for organic beings and warships.

Han hopes it also has his beloved ship.

They decide to land within walking distance of Niima Outpost but far enough away that no random passerby would stumble across their current ship. As usual, Chewie growls his acceptance to stay with the ship. Han pats his companion on the arm.

“It would be bad form to lose our second ship when trying to retrieve our first ship.” 

Chewie nods and requests water.

“I’ll do my best, old pal. I should be back soon. Just wanna see where she is.” 

Before he leaves, Han grabs a full canteen and some loose fabric to wrap around his head. He pauses outside the ship. The sun is harsh and the dry air robs his skin of moisture. Already he feels like a husk. 

“I can think of few places worse than desert planets,” he grumbles. Then he reconsiders as flashes of swamps and volcanic worlds flit through his mind. Han shrugs and starts walking.

It was a thin thread of clues Han and Chewbacca had been following for a decade. The first was that Ducain stole the ship. The next clue was that the Irving Boys stole it from Ducaine sometime later. Now, the report is that Unkar Plutt has the _Falcon_.

Han is confident he will have no trouble dealing with Plutt.

As he crests the last sandhill, Han wipes his brow and drinks sparingly from the canteen. He can almost visualize the refreshing liquid running down his parched throat. _How does anyone exist on this planet_?

Crossing the desert plain is easier going, to his relief. When he reaches Niima Outpost a layer of sweat adorns his forehead. Han glances at the small settlement. There’s not much to it; some structures built from salvaged durasteel, unsteady landing bays, and a fence that won’t keep much out or in. Multiple pillars of smoke leak into the cloudless sky.

Han approaches with his usual confidence. It’s a specific mixture of _I’m supposed to be here and should not be bothered_ and _Let me just blend into the surroundings to avoid troublesome interactions_. He has crafted it over decades.

But it’s difficult to pull off when walking alone out of the desert.

A heavily-armored individual spots him and gestures menacingly. Han offers his most nonchalant smile as he passes by. _Maybe I can be out of here before they have a reason to follow me, though knowing my luck, it’s unlikely_.

From an initial survey, there is no sign of the _Falcon_. He can at least first secure some water and maybe food. Han heads toward the large tented structure. 

There is a surprising number of people roving about the area. Some look like scavengers who gave up early to avoid the worst of the heat. Others are clearly interested in shady deals that Han is quite familiar with. And a few are scraggly children, underfed and poorly dressed. 

An uninvited picture of young Ben appears in his mind; the boy wrapped in his Han’s favorite off-white shirt, dark hair bouncing around his head as he dashed through the house. Ben didn’t want for food or clothes. But there was so much more he should have given his son.

Han focuses on swallowing the dry lump forming in his throat. It’s not the time to consider such things. _Ben hasn’t needed me in a long time, not since before he even went to train with Luke_. He sets his jaw and curls his fingers inward. Time to cross a few tasks off his list.

The shade of the tent is a welcome reprieve. Han stands for a moment to let his eyes adjust. It’s still blisteringly hot but the fabric funnels some wind. The lack of direct sunlight alone is a marvel. 

Han walks to the rectangular stall in the middle of the tent. It looks sturdier than the other structures he’s seen. It must be important. A grate covers the window to protect whoever stands back there from attack.

Tilting his head, Han peers into the gloom of the stall.

“Anybody there?”

There is a heavy rustling and movement. Then a Crolute appears, gruff and unfriendly. Han jerks his hand in an informal salute and manufactures a tight smile.

“Hello. My first time on Jakku. Quite a lot of sand you’ve got here.”

The Crolute narrows his eyes. “What do you want?”

“I’m looking for a few things. Water, something to eat. And someone named Unkar Plutt.”

“I am he. If you have things to trade you can acquire the other two requests.”

Han pauses, surprised to have found the man he’s been searching for already. 

“It’s my lucky day! I don’t have much to trade but I do have credits.”

Plutt eyes him suspiciously for a long moment. “That’s acceptable. A man of your size out here will need a lot of water and food. Thirty-five credits.”

Han’s eyebrows rise up. “That’s a bit steep, don’t you think?”

He waits for a response but none arrives. _Better to make the guy happy to decrease his suspicions. Plus, I am about to steal from him, even if it’s to retrieve my own property_.

“You’ve got a deal. I’ll take however much these credits will get me.”

Han spreads out his credits and waits for the exchange. While Plutt counts the money, Han glances around the tent. He notices a cleaning station for salvage. Multiple seats are taken by people of all ages. An old female humanoid crouches over her small bits of scrap. Across from her sits a small child with a surprising pile between her dangling feet.

Once again, Han imagines Ben as a child, hoarding his toys, possessive and ferocious. But Ben is smiling in the memory even as he refuses to share with Han. This kid probably hasn’t smiled in a long time.

Plutt makes a noise and Han turns back to him.

“Here are six ration packs and three water jugs.”

Han nods his appreciation as he grabs everything. The water jugs will be too cumbersome to carry back to the _Falcon_ so he’ll have to figure that out. _Chewie will be very disappointed by what I offer for dinner_.

With his arms fully loaded, Han starts to turn. Plutt raises his voice.

“You never said why you were looking for me.” 

Considering this, Han glances over his shoulder. “I was wondering about work. I can check in later if that’s fine with you.”

Plutt stays silent. _Maybe this won’t be as easy as I expected_.

With an awkward single nod, Han heads away from the stall. He feels eyes on him and waits to glance around. When he does, the kid immediately shifts her attention back to the scrap in front of her. 

_She must be thirsty and probably hasn’t tasted food for a while_. He observes her as she cleans what looks like a conductor of some type. She is trying to look focused and Han’s heart pangs at the sight.

Recognizing the new pattern, Han shuts out the images of Ben before they infiltrate his mind. He continues studying her for several seconds then makes a decision. _Instead of thinking about my son, I am going to do something about this_. 

He knows this will probably not go according to plan. She might refuse his generosity. Others might demand their own hand-out. Regardless, it will be worth it to help this child.

Shuffling over to the cleaning station, Han garners several stares. He realizes it might look like he is showing off his water wealth. _As if I need to make any more of a scene prior to stealing a ship_.

The girl glances over at him and her buns bounce slightly. She looks around five or six but it’s hard to tell due to her malnourishment. Her eyes dart rapidly, always collecting information to keep herself alive. There is a wildness to her, raw and unkempt. He wonders when she last had a bath. 

Han can’t entirely explain his pull to this child but he isn’t one for analyzing. 

“Hi,” he says softly and smiles at her. “Mind if I sit here?”

She shakes her head and turns her eyes back to the scrap.

Han kneels nearby, trying to hide from prying eyes. He takes the canteen and holds it firmly between his boots. Then he unscrews the top of the jug and pours water into the empty vessel.  
He makes sure to be slow and precise with the process. He guesses wasting water is one of the quickest ways to get in a brawl on Jakku.

The sound of gurgling from one container to the other draws the girl’s attention. She wets her lips, unable to keep the longing from her eyes. 

When the canteen is full he offers it to her with another smile. She frowns, uncertain. _What was I expecting, her to grab it and thank me profusely?_ Han feels embarrassed for a moment but gestures in a friendly way.

“You look thirsty.”

“I have nothing to trade.”

Her voice is small and crackles like kindling. He wants to ask where are her parents but knows better. Han inches closer to place the water discretely by her feet.

“Don’t worry. I have plenty.” 

She ignores the water and goes back to cleaning. _She is stubborn like Ben_ Han thinks and chuckles.

The girl looks at him with wide eyes. “What is funny?”

“Nothing. You just… remind me of my son.”

Either she is finally comfortable or her restraint has reached its limits. She toes the water twice then grabs it. She drinks a couple of small, slow sips. 

When another scavenger looks over at them Han casually flashes his blaster. _Don’t get any ideas there, big guy_. He knows he’s inviting risk but to see the shine in this girl’s eyes makes it worthwhile.

“I’m Han. What’s your name?”

She takes another sip without breaking eye contact. Then she wipes her chin.

“I’m Rey.”

“Rey, where are your parents?”

She stiffens and diverts her gaze. “Somewhere else.”

Han has lived through enough gambling situations to know when someone is trying to cover a lie. This statement doesn’t strike him as false but her demeanor raises red flags, nonetheless. He decides it’s not worth pursuing at the moment.

“I have some extra food. You should take it.”

If her eyes were any narrower they would be closed entirely. He smiles and hands over several ration packets. “I won’t need them.”

Rey extends a small hand and Han meets her halfway. The tiniest hint of a smile tugs are her lips, nearly imperceptible. But Han sees it and has to steady his breathing. _Why does everything about her make me think of Ben_?

He clears his throat. “I will be around for a couple of days. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey.”

Her lips squeeze into a line. “Maybe.”

Standing up, Han begins walking. After a few steps she calls.

“Mr. Han!” 

He turns around to look at her.

“Thanks.” Her head is tilted and wears a wry smile.

“You’re welcome, kid.”

  


* * *

  


“Rrrrwwwwggg!”

“Yes, the ration packet is one of the blandest things I’ve ever tasted.”

Han shrugs at his companion while swallowing the stuff.

“It’s better than the rotting flynrok and fermented capren speciality we had that one time… Remember that?”

“Rrraaaaaahhggg,” Chewbacca replies. They shudder simultaneously.

“So, this kid I saw. She was in rough shape. Seems to me this place really doesn’t take care of its youth.”

Chewie gives him a pointed look.

“I know what _you’re_ thinking and _I’m_ not thinking that!”

Chewie shrugs and finishes eating.

“Rrrhhwww, rrraahhrrr.”

“I’m still hungry, too. It will be nice to get the _Falcon_ and get the hell off Jakku forever.”

After a few moments of silence Chewie barks at Han.

“I will find it! Just relax. I have to do a little digging, is all.” 

“Rrwwwgg,” Chewie replies, unconvinced.

“Go to bed. You’re grumpy.”

  


* * *

  


Han wakes with a start. Clutching his chest, he takes a series of deep breaths. No amount of shaking his head will remove the glimpse of his dream; the last time he saw Ben, standing near Luke’s new academy, eyes brimming with a sadness Han couldn’t face for long.

Even if Ben didn’t need Han anymore, leaving the boy there was a mistake. It broke whatever remained of their relationship. And now, Luke had probably taken on the role of father to Ben. _He probably does a better job at it then I ever could_ , Han thinks dejectedly.

He sits up in bed and works his palms into the thin sheets. Regardless of the time, Han can’t stay in this bunk. _I’ll leave a note for Chewie and start walking toward the outpost. Maybe I can snoop around in the dark_.

In minutes he’s dressed and typing on Chewie’s holopad. The Wookie won’t mind his early departure. Han thinks part of the reason they get along so well is how each one appreciates space, silence, and isolation.

Outside the _Eravana_ Han spares a glance skyward. The stars here seem dull, as if the sand itself absorbs the light. He wonders briefly about Leia and how she is doing. Then, as is the way with such chains of thoughts, where Luke and Ben might be.

 _How has my family scattered across the galaxy so efficiently? Will we ever be together again_? It’s an overly sentimental thought, Han knows. Still, it feels too much like his own family-less childhood. The bitterness of that loneliness never fully goes away.

He sets off toward Niima Outpost, wishing the thoughts away. A bulging moon hangs low as he makes it over the dunes. It is cool and Han relishes it, knowing it won’t last.

By the time he reaches the settlement he’s sweating minimally. He drinks from his back-up canteen deeply. He notes briefly the need to buy a new one at their next stop, having given his favored one to Rey. 

Then he gets to work.

After an hour scouring the area, Han finds the _Falcon_. It sits under a large tarp and it’s obvious it hasn’t been used for years. He would be jumping for joy to see it if he weren’t so disgusted by its condition.

“Chewie and I have a lot to do,” he says into the early-morning air.

He stares at it until the sun begins to rise, planning and scheming the new adventures they’ll go on together. It felt as though a part of him had been missing for years had finally been returned.

Now only a couple of human-shaped holes remain.

A small voice cries out followed by an impatient bellowing.

“Get up, girl. You’re already late.”

Han dashes behind one of the landing pads of the _Falcon_. Plutt rounds the corner of a nearby structure, dragging Rey. She can barely keep up with the Crolute’s long strides. Han tenses, a sudden ribbon of protectiveness winding around his chest. _Wait it out_.

Plutt pulls Rey toward one of the structures, then tosses her down on the ground. The heavy toolbag follows her. Han can’t tell if Plutt missed her on purpose or not.

“Get this droid working before lunch. Perhaps after that, you will have earned enough to eat today.”

Rey doesn’t look up. Plutt watches for a moment to make sure she is getting on task. When at last he trudges away, Rey throws a handful of sand after him.

Han smiles, appreciating her pluck. His face changes quickly as a sense of determination strikes him. And an urge to do something impulsive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading 💛
> 
> Through the course of the OT and books I've read (the main Han one being Last Shot), I sincerely believe that Han is a softie at heart. He just never saw proper emotional regulation and communication modeled, so he didn't learn how to do either. He is capable of being compassionate and thoughtful, even if he actively wants people to believe otherwise. I think we can pull from TFA that he had a lot of regrets surrounding Ben's childhood and adolescence. I'm taking all of that into account when writing this Han.
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://myheartandsolo.tumblr.com/) where my AD/SW obsession lives aggressively.


	2. Chapter 2

Han watches Rey sort the tools and assess the broken droid. She works diligently and with more focus than he would expect from a child. Despite the fact that it’s under duress, Han can tell how much she enjoys the process of tinkering with mechanics and solving problems. 

The sun blooms over the horizon and a heat-pressure hits him. When Rey’s gaze is fixed on her task, Han dashes away from the _Falcon_. He can’t be seen next to the ship he plans to free from the prison of this planet.

Circling around a structure from the opposite direction, Han approaches Rey. He grits his teeth when he notices that Plutt set her up in the sun. If Plutt is supposed to be some kind of guardian he is terrible at it.

Han positions himself in her sightline and waits to be noticed. She is weaving gears together expertly. Little fingers swiftly place the pieces together and with a satisfying click, she smiles.

Rey then lifts her head and jumps.

“Sorry I scared you.” Han crouches nearby and looks at the pile of partially-organized metal. “I haven’t seen a gladiator droid in a long time.” 

Rey looks at him, still on edge.

“Someone from off-world bartered it for food. Plutt thought it might make him some money.” Rey rolls her eyes, relaxing some.

“What exactly are you working on?” He casually hands his canteen to her, she drinks, and returns the container.

Rey grinds her heel into the ground. “The whole thing. It was pretty smashed.”

“Have you eaten today?” The question catches her off-guard.

“No,” she says quietly.

Han holds out a nutrient bar he found hidden in the crevices of the _Eravana_. The novelty of the food makes her eyes grow wide. She doesn’t hesitate, having decided to trust him already. She tears into it and Han gives her some time to eat.

“So Plutt’s your boss?”

She scrunches her nose. “Ever since my parents left he calls me his ‘charge.’” Rey freezes, realizing she has said too much. Han seizes the opportunity.

“Where’d they go?”

She shakes her head with a full mouth, then looks at the droid. “They’ll come back.” As if carrying the metal heap, her shoulders droop. “I know they will.”

Han mulls this over and sips his water. “Where do you live?”

“In there.” She motions to the structure Han leans on. “Only until I find somewhere else. I get less food and water because I live with Plutt.” 

Dark thoughts flood Han’s mind. He knows this level of cruelty intimately. Something primal stirs within him.

After a beat Han speaks the words that have crowded his brain for the past day. “What if you got away from Plutt?” 

Rey gives Han a vacant look. 

“You could come with me and Chewie. We could find your parents.”

Already she’s shaking her head sharply. “I have to stay here so they can find me.”

“That’s true, most of the time. But I know your parents don’t want you to live like this.”

Before he knows what’s happening she is walking away from him. Over her shoulders she seethes, “You don’t know anything. Especially about me.” 

Han lets her storm off, knowing how futile it would be to follow and argue.

 _What a stubborn kid_ he thinks as he heads back to the _Eravana_. Disappointment curdles within him. He never really wallowed when he was younger. He finds it harder to stop himself these days.

As a distraction, Han lists everything that needs to be sorted with Chewie before they leave Jakku. It’s effective for a little while. When his thoughts grow sluggish and quiet, he sees the lonely kid stomping away. And his need to right whatever wrongs he can, whether present or past, becomes overwhelming.

  


* * *

  


“Rrrrhhg rhhwwwg.” Chewie looks at Han as if he were growing a second head.

“I think of it more as _rescuing_ than _kidnapping_. Anyway, her parents aren’t even on-planet.”

Chewie furrows his shaggy brow. “Rrrrhhhw.”

“Alright, alright. No need to call me names.” Han stalks away. 

His feet take him to the captain’s quarters. As much as he misses the _Falcon_ , at least there are no Leia memories here. In fact, there aren’t many memories at all that warrant holding onto. The past years have been a rush of simple-sounding jobs that turn into complex and life-threatening encounters for Han and Chewie. An endless string of near-misses and lucky breaks.

He sits on the edge of the bed and sags. The bones inside his body seem brittle. Perhaps it’s from waking up too early. _Or maybe I’m getting old_. He lays down to rest his eyes...

Suddenly, a booming holler echoes into his room. He sits up, realizing he’d fallen asleep. He jumps out of bed while the hum of Leia’s voice still echoes in his ears.

“What is it?”

“Rrrrhhhgggg rrrggggh!” Chewie declares in an exasperated tone.

“I want to get off this planet, too. But we can’t steal the _Falcon_ in broad daylight.” Han smooths his hair as he joins Chewie in what functions as the kitchen. 

“Rrrrwwwhhh.”

“Yes, I fell asleep,” Han replies impatiently. “Let’s focus on the task at hand. Stealing back our ship. As soon as Niima Outpost is quiet we’ll swoop in and be out of there.” Han waves his hands dramatically.

Chewie nods morosely. Then he dejectedly brings the rehydrated food to his mouth. Han almost grimaces before he remembers he’ll be eating the same thing soon.

“Rrrhhh rrrrggghhhh.”

Han startles. “You think we should take the girl? What happened to it being _kidnapping_?”

“Rrrwwwggg rhhrrrgggg!”

A bark of laughter escapes Han. “I think you’re the only person in the galaxy who would still describe me ‘persuasive.’”

Chewie shrugs and stuffs more food into his gaping maw.

That’s the end of the discussion. Deep down, Han was hoping Chewie would come to that conclusion. He simply needed his friend on-board with his idea.

Some time later Han is walking back to Niima Outpost. The sky hints at early evening but the heat still clings to him. No amount of drinking water will fully satiate his thirst. 

_What can I possibly say to this kid to get her to come with us?_

Immediately he thinks of Ben. One of the boy’s favorite stories when he was Rey’s age involved the Force and Jedi. He would cling to every word and beg for more. It had made Han chuckle, realizing how fairytales could ignite the imagination. _You know better than to call them fairytales by now_.

No other ideas occur to him so he settles on that approach. _Let’s hope these stories captivate Rey the way they did with Ben_. Han wipes sweat from his brow, hoping the action will take the stinging memories of Ben with it.

The sun has dipped out of sight when he finally trudges into the shade near Plutt’s canopy. He sighs in gratitude and scans the area for Rey. The armored individuals from the previous day lurk on the western edge of the settlement. A line of scavengers wait for Plutt’s paltry trades. There is no sign of the kid.

Multiple hours remain before Chewie will meet him here. As confident as Han feels, it’s still good planning to have back-up when stealing a ship. Until then, if he can’t find Rey, Han will have nothing to do but _think_. He shudders as he walks to where he last saw the kid.

Han figures Plutt will be occupied with the last of the day’s trades. Han ventures toward the house Rey indicated was Plutt’s. When Han passes, a small noise leaks through the cracked door.

He pushes the flimsy door open tentatively. Letting his eyes adjust for a moment, Han realizes the sound is Rey crying. She lays balled up on a pallet in the corner.

With destabilizing velocity, he sees his son again, crying himself to sleep. Distraught by Leia’s continued absence. Disappointed by Han’s presence. Han never actually knew the reasons. It wrings his heart to see Rey in such a state.

“Rey,” he says gruffly. 

She shoots up and wipes at her face. “What do you want?”

Han says nothing as he backs out of the door. He doesn’t know what to say. Providing comfort has never been one of his strengths. In that moment Han knows she needs more than he can possibly provide.

She shuffles out of the building and glares at him. Han cringes at the degree of exhaustion and grief lining her face. Her brow furrows further and he flounders for a moment.

“If you have time, I thought I could tell you some stories.” _What a smooth transition_ Han thinks derisively.

“Stories? Why?”

“Because that’s something my son loved when he was your age.” The rigidity of her expression lessens minimally, but it’s enough to spur him on. “About the Force and the Jedi.” 

Shadows lengthen as they stand there, awkward and unsure. Finally, Rey nods her head and plops down on the sandy ground. _Not quite where I was thinking but I guess I’ll have to accept it_. He sits across from her.

Rey is begrudgingly interested. “What is the Force?”

“I used to think it didn’t exist, was nothing more than a fairytale. But it’s true.” A shard of pain punctures him as he thinks of Luke, how close they once were. How he was now Ben’s mentor. “The Force is an energy that flows through everything. Some people can work with this energy, channel it to fight, lift rocks, keep themselves from falling. The Jedi use it to help people. Or, try to. They get it wrong sometimes.”

The focus of her gaze burrows into him. Such undivided attention is usually not good in Han’s line of work. In this case, it feels like progress.

“How do the Jedi help people?”

 _They meddle in everything_ is Han’s first thought. Instead, he says, “They try to stop wars. Bring peace. And they rescue those in need.” Han clears his throat.

Rey looks away and nods absently. He sees how the weight of her life demands a maturity that displaces childhood. Han waits for her to speak as she chews on words.

“Are you a Jedi? Is that why you think I need to be rescued?”

“Kriff, no. But I have a friend who is. Maybe he’s rubbed off on me.” Han smirks involuntarily.

He fishes out a ration bar from his pocket and tosses it to her. She catches it to his surprise. _Quick reflexes_.

With a mouth full of food Rey begins to speak excitedly. “I kept myself from falling the other day. I was climbing inside a ship in the Graveyard and slipped. But I caught a hold of something, somehow.” Then she shrugs. “It doesn’t sound very exciting saying it out loud.”

“I’m glad you saved yourself. That’s a good skill. Who knows, maybe you could be a Jedi someday.” He quirks a smile at her. She matches it shyly. “The offer still stands, you know. Chewie and I could use some help around the ship. And my wif-... I have a friend who could maybe help find your parents.”

She looks surprised, disappointed. “You wouldn’t help?”

“Oh, I can. If you want me to...” Han can’t describe what he’s feeling beyond that it’s foreign and bewildering. “We have to leave tonight though. Chewie is meeting me at midnight by that old ship Plutt has. It will have to be a fast get-away.”

Confusion rustles her features and she opens her mouth to speak.

Then a rush of movement announces Plutt’s arrival.

“What is this?” he barks.

“Just talkin’ with the kid,” Han says and stands shakily. He strikes his least assuming pose and fakes a drunken slur. “It sure is hot here, doncha think? How the kriff do you stand it?” He leans against the wall, praying his performance will wear on Plutt rapidly.

The Crolute grumbles in Han’s direction and grabs Rey by the arm. “You have work before you get to eat. And you.” He rounds on Han again. “I don’t want to see you around here anymore.” 

Han finds it hard to tell if Plutt is scowling or not.

“Yeah, alright, I’ll go.” He considers what cryptic things to tell Rey in their last possible moments. “Remember those stories, kid.” Han’s drunken drawl erodes what remains of Plutt’s patience. As soon as the Crolute turns away, Han catches Rey’s eyes and gives her a pointed look. No expression marks her face as she follows Plutt.

Han deflates. Maybe the stories weren’t enough. _I’d better be more successful with this next objective or Chewie won’t let me hear the end of it_.

  


* * *

  


Han wakes when he hits the sand. _For Force’s sake, I fell asleep_? The last thing he remembers is resting against a building in view of the _Falcon_. Now he’s wiping sand from his face. 

Standing quickly, Han peers at his surroundings. No movement draws his attention. Niima Outpost is slumbering at last.

Han can almost sense Chewie’s arrival. With eyes searching the horizon, he spots the glow of the _Eravana_ as it rises over the closest dunes. It touches down in the near distance to decrease noise.

He walks to meet his friend, adrenaline taking the place of his recent exhaustion.

“Hey pal. Alright day?”

Chewie grumbles. 

“Yeah, mine, too.” They head toward the _Millenium Falcon_. When the Wookie sees it, he smiles.

“Rrrrwwwwggg!”

“I know it’s good to see her. Keep it down, though!” Han shushes him. 

Chewie looks over the ship, mumbling about various issues and gesticulating wildly. Han smirks. They were similar in more ways than one. 

“Alright, I think it’s time we get away from this trash heap,” Han says as Chewie comes back to join him. Chewie nods once then freezes. He gestures over Han’s shoulder, encouraging him to look.

Concern bubbles within him. _Please don’t say it’s Plutt_. A small shadow darts upon the sand heading in their direction. Relief crowds out Han’s concern.

“It’s Rey,” he says quietly and a smile tugs at his lips. 

“Rrrhhhg,” Chewie replies.

“Yeah, I’m surprised, too.”

Rey slows when she sees the towering Wookie. In response, Chewie kneels down. Han has always been impressed with Chewie’s ability to put children at ease.

When in earshot of Han she says, “Who is that?”

“That’s Chewbacca, my co-pilot and friend.” He smiles at Rey again. _So many smiles in such a few days. This is definitely bizarre_. “So you decided to join us?”

Rey stares at Han for a long moment then gazes up at the stars. It looks like she wants to speak but she hesitates. After a lengthy silence she replies, “Yes.”

Rey follows Han aboard the _Falcon_. Chewie brings up the rear. As Han enters the ship his entire body relaxes. It’s grungy and dilapidated, familiar and treasured. “Chewie, we’re home.” 

The Wookie bobs his head enthusiastically. After several moments standing in the curved hallway feeling memories wash over him, Han comes back to the present moment.

“We’d better get out of here or else this will be a short reunion.”

“Rrrrgggg,” Chewie agrees. He waves to them then saunters back to the _Eravana_.

“Rey, the co-pilot’s seat is all yours.” He knows with her limited reach she won’t be of much help. Her eyes light up at the invitation, nonetheless.

She’s on his heels as they walk into the cockpit. Han wonders if she has the same knack for piloting as she does for mechanics. _We’ll see soon enough_.

Itching to get his fingers on the well-known switches and buttons, he slides into the chair and starts the ship up. It rumbles as he remembers. Nothing to raise warning flags yet. He disengages the landing pads and starts to raise them over the desert.

Rey scrambles into the other seat, eyes wide and curious. He’ll have a lot to teach her. With a wave of nausea, images of Ben in that same chair overwhelms him. 

The boy, all eager fists and adoring eyes, asking rapid-fire questions about everything. Ben wreaking toddler-scale havoc in the ship. A thunderous roar of joy as Chewie catches Ben and they laugh together.

Those moments were his proudest as a father; watching his son marvel at the ship Han considered home, making the space his own. In those moments, it almost seemed like being a pilot would be enough for Ben, or so Han hoped. Once his Force-sensitivity began to manifest, Ben’s path shifted irrevocably. It took a long time for Han to release the dream of flying with his son. Maybe he still hadn’t entirely.

To his horror, Han’s eyes sting, threatening to overflow. He shakes his head violently more than once. Grinding his teeth, he finds an anchor in the panel before him, each switch something he can control. The control leaks into his emotional state and he clears his throat.

Rey glances at him. “What now?”

“Onward and upward,” Han says as they leave Jakku behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you stuck through this chapter, you're amazing. The action is finally going to pick up in chapter three.
> 
> Since we know that Rey advised against installing the compressor and primer on the Millenium Falcon, I concluded she would need to be older and have more working knowledge of ships. Therefore, in my story, Plutt hadn't made any changes to the Millenium Falcon.
> 
> The rating will change if/when the content does.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey’s exhaustion overpowers her excitement soon after they reach hyperspace. Already she snores softly in the co-pilot’s chair. Han finds an old blanket and covers her, knowing how drafty the _Falcon_ can be. 

Han hails the _Eravana_. “Chewie, we’re going to Chandrila.”

“Rrrrrhhhhggg?” The Wookie is aghast.

“I need Leia’s help with Rey.” The strangeness of the sentence creeps over Han. He presses on. “I’m not sure where else to start. I promised I would try to find her parents.”

“Rrrwwwwgg rrhhww!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a big softie. We’ll see you there.”

Chewie chuckles and signs off.

Han goes back to the cockpit. Rey fits in the co-pilot's chair well enough. Still, he worries she will fall to the cold, hard floor eventually. He grumbles, debating what to do. 

_This is precisely why you were never cut out to be a father_. Uncertainty weighed him down at each turn. Every attempt he made to be there for Ben seemed inadequate, absurd, or even dangerous. Not that Ben minded when he was young. At that age, no amount of anger or disillusionment Han displayed could distort the way Ben looked at him. But that all changed when he stopped even showing up.

It has occurred to Han that if guilt and regret manifested physically, he would be immobilized by the heaviness of it all.

He gently scoops Rey up without another thought. Her body seems frail and quite contrary to the fierce personality he has glimpsed. He carries her to the bunk where Ben used to sleep. Though unable to vouch for the cleanliness of the sheets, Han reasons she won’t mind.

After tucking the blanket around her, a virulent urge to talk to Ben courses through him. _That’s probably not a good idea_. He commits to it anyway. 

Han heads to the captain’s quarters, too tired to consider sleeping elsewhere. He falls onto the crumpled bed and tries to ignore the smell. Tomorrow he will stop avoiding pieces of his past that sting to think about. Finally, he’ll start confronting his mistakes.

  


* * *

  


The _Millennium Falcon_ drops from hyperspace. Rey gasps at the sight of stars shifting suddenly from elongated streaks to pinpricks of light. The light reflects within her eyes. Han hides his smile. _I wonder when I last looked at the galaxy with such awe_.

Viewing Hanna City from this distance sends a shiver down Han’s spine. The planet epitomizes what he believes are his most egregious failures: marriage, fatherhood, reliability. But there were also several staggeringly happy years here.

He takes the ship down. A series of small noises erupt from Rey as she watches the process. “Will you teach me?” He looks at her and she clarifies. “To fly?”

She poses the question timidly. “Sure, kid.” In the moment he means it. Later, however, it might prove to be more emotionally draining that he will be able to stomach. “Ben could teach you, too, if ever he comes back from running missions across the galaxy.”

Rey’s eyes are glued to the expanding city below as she asks, “Who?”

Han startles but attempts to speak casually. “My son. I thought I mentioned him.” 

“You did. Just not his name. I hope I get to meet him before we find my parents.”

“Me, too, kid.”

When they disembark the _Falcon_ the size, density, and sensory-overload of the city leaves Rey gaping. A flood of sights, sounds, and smells confound and immerse her. Everything fights to hold the attention but nothing succeeds for long.

“There are more people right here than all of Jakku.” 

Han nods and pats her shoulder. “You’ll get used to it.”

Following his feet, Han tries to think of what to say when he sees Leia. He sent her a quick recorded holovid giving her an update about the situation the previous day. She sent a short reply that they could stay at the old residence.

 _How she has continued living there after Ben and I left is a mystery_. Then he realizes she’s probably rarely on-planet, instead staying at her residence on Hosnian Prime. Leia has always had a habit of staying busy rather than sitting with her emotions, even when it comes at a cost. 

The thought makes him snort at his own hypocrisy. _Oh the things we have in common…_

As they approach the apartment Rey looks expectantly at Han.

“So this is where you used to live?”

He nods, unable to form words. A memory washes over him; taking an evening stroll with pregnant Leia, enjoying the last of the sunset upon the boulevard, feeling the fetus kick for the first time. Their shared elation that such a beautiful thing could occur after so much violence.

He reluctantly knocks on the door and an all-too-familiar face greets him.

“Master Solo! How nice it is to see you again. Senator Organa will be home presently. Come in! This used to be your home, after all.” C-3P0 ushers them forward enthusiastically. Han has to stifle his grimace.

“Hi, Threepio. This is Rey.” Han motions informally as they walk into the spacious apartment. Rey nods once and says nothing.

“Mistress Rey, welcome to Hanna City. It’s my understanding this is the second planet you have ever visited. We are honored to have you. May I offer you some refreshments?” C-3P0 asks as he shuffles her toward the kitchen.

Han stands in the living room barely breathing. From here he can see the terrace where Leia would take her caf to review the day’s news. Han and Ben would join her. Then the toddler would wind between feet, laughing at their early-morning grumbles. He notices the chair that Leia used to rock Ben after nightmares marred his sleep has moved. The door to their old room is closed and Han wonders how vacant it must feel. 

“It’s haunted,” Han murmurs. He quickly follows the others to the kitchen.

See-3P0 has created quite the spread. Rey doesn’t seem to know where to begin. When she sees Han she relaxes a bit and quirks her lips.

“Start with the Jogan fruit. I think you’ll like that.” Han indicates the bulbous purple fruit in a white bowl. Rey selects a slice of it and bites down. Her eyes expand with the burst of juice.

As Rey finally digs into the display, Han looks at C-3P0. “How is she?”

“The child seems content…”

“Not Rey. Leia.”

“Pardon me, Master Solo. Senator Organa’s responsibilities keep her quite busy.” 

Han snorts. “I already guessed that. How _is_ she?”

“I cannot say much beyond the fact that she is physically healthy, Master Solo.”

This time Han simply nods. He should know better than to ask C-3P0. Plus, Leia would hate to be checked up on like that.

As if summoned by the Force, the front door opens. Han braces himself, suddenly overcome by the need to run, right now, anywhere. _This is why you’re here. It’s not only for Rey. It’s to salvage something from the life you miss_.

He swivels around as Leia turns the corner.

She sighs visibly but he can tell it’s not necessarily a negative response to seeing her previous spouse. Han purses his lips nervously. “Leia.”

“Same jacket.” 

“New jacket.” He smirks out of habit. “Your hair is different.” 

They both step forward and embrace, a rush of feeling and lost time. 

“Senator Organa, may I introduce young Mistress Rey?” Han swallows his anger at the interruption as they part from their too-brief hug.

“Rey, I am happy to meet you. You’ve traveled far and survived so much.” 

Rey stands as tall as she can. “Thanks for letting me stay here. And for helping find my parents.”

Leia shoots a look at Han then comes closer to Rey. “I will do whatever I can to help you.” She takes Rey’s hand and tugs her back to the table. “I’m ravenous. Let’s eat.”

Rey smiles as she follows Leia. Han watches them from the hallway. Leia’s hair is braided on top of her head. A maroon dress swishes around her. She looks regal. 

Leia says something and Rey laughs. It’s the first time he has seen her express genuine joy. _I knew they would become fast friends_.

Han motions to C-3P0 that he is going for a walk. It’s partially to give Leia and Rey time to talk and partially an escape. He leaves the apartment in search of Chewie and a distracting card game.

  


* * *

  


Leia observes Rey as the girl eats and talks. See-3P0 stands nearby, peppering in questions and comments that Rey doesn’t entirely register. The bulk of her focus is on trying as many different types of food as she can reach.

There hasn’t been a child in this house for years. To her dismay, Leia thinks of Ben. He was a picky eater from the start. Despite her efforts, they were able to breastfeed for only a few weeks before Leia had to give up. Something broke inside her seeing him take the bottle so easily. 

When pregnant, she felt innate confidence that she would be enough for him. No matter what, she would be there to meet his needs. However the needs changed over time Leia and Han would figure it out and be there for him. Or so she thought.

That was the start of her rude awakenings about parenthood. There are few things Leia did as a parent that bring her a sense of pride when she thinks about it now. _A spot of darkness can spoil even the brightest times_. 

She stands. “Where is Han?” 

“He elected to take a walk,” C-3P0 replies.

“At least he told you. Thanks, Threepio.” Leia gives him a heartfelt smile. Though he has been known to increase her agitation over the decades, he has remained one of her most loyal companions.

“Of course, Prin-...Senator Organa.”

Leia turns to Rey. “When you’re done eating, would you like to visit the ‘fresher? We have plenty of water on Chandrila,” Leia adds when Rey gives her a confused look.

“A what?”

“A ‘fresher. It’s used for bathing.”

Rey nods and raises her arms to inspect her level of dirt. Her elbow hits a plate, which messily descends to the floor. Rey straightens her fingers instinctively and the plate pauses in mid-air. She darts to catch it then sheepishly places it back on the table.

“Very quick reflexes, Rey.” Leia considers the act for a long moment, trying to process her shock. “Are you able to make things happen that others cannot?”

Rey turns her gaze to the floor. “Yes, sometimes. Moving things out of the way. Pulling something beyond my reach. It’s nothing special.” 

“I think it is something special.” Leia gives her a small smile. “Please, enjoy your food. I need to make a call. Threepio can show you how to use the ‘fresher, when you’re ready.” 

Rey gives her a complex look for a long moment. Then she shrugs and shifts her gaze to the assorted consumables to cram several more bites into her mouth. Leia nods at C-3P0 and leaves the dining room.

 _The Force is not my area of comfort, let alone expertise. If she does indeed have such abilities, I need to ask the only Jedi I know how to proceed_.

Taking a deep steadying breath, Leia settles into her desk chair. She hasn’t tried to make this call in quite some time. Her last series of attempts spanned several months and always went unanswered. 

A feeling to _simply let it in_ snags on her otherwise composed mental state. _No, that remains locked away_. She clicks the holovid on and hopes her brother is reachable.

Smooth blue static swims before her. No audio reaches her ears and yet as she stares a sound burrows into her mind. There is a meditative quality, something calming about the serene smeer.

Suddenly, a form materializes in the holovid.

“Leia,” Luke says calmly, though a smile adorns his lips.

“Luke, I’m so glad I finally caught you. Are you well? And Ben?”

He shrugs, a glimmer of the young Luke she misses. “All is well. We have been on a series of missions that seemed to evolve one into the next. Ben is as fine as a moody sixteen-year-old can be. He’s sleeping or I would have had him join me.”

Leia blinks rapidly to stave off tears. “That’s fine. I’m not sure if he would want to see his mother, anyway.”

“Leia…” Luke begins but she cuts him off.

She clears her throat. “Actually, I’m calling because of another child. This one is a young orphan from Jakku Han decided to bring here.” Luke’s eyebrows spring halfway up his forehead. Leia raises a hand. “Yes, I know. But he apparently promised that I could help find her parents. He witnessed neglect and abuse by her would-be guardian. I actually respect that Han stepped in. Regarding his fatherly instincts, well, better late than never, I suppose.” 

By her twin’s expression, Leia can tell that he has many thoughts on the matter. He doesn’t bring them up, to her relief. “She just demonstrated Force-sensitivity, Luke. That’s why I’m calling. A dish was knocked over, she instantly suspended it, then reached out to grasp it. What are the odds that a child Han happens to encounter has such abilities?”

Luke doesn’t reply at once. He sighs and rolls his shoulders. 

“You look tired.”

“I am. Leia, you know I don’t believe in such odds. Perhaps I should come meet this child.”

Now it’s her turn to pause. Leia’s not sure if she’s ready to turn over another young person to Luke, especially this promptly after meeting Rey herself. _And so soon after losing Ben to the Jedi path_. As much as she loves her brother, she feels hesitant to let his chosen life spread like a contagion to those around her.

“Would Ben come with you?”

“If he desires it.”

A cloud of uncertainty hovers above her. _Do I want him to come? Or do I want him to stay away from the problems that seeing me ignite_?

“Give me a week with her. I’d like to see her in action before you make the journey.” Leia looks away briefly, trying to find the next words. “Luke, thank you for helping Ben. I don’t know what would have happened if he couldn’t live with you.”

Luke works his jaw. “I cannot say how helpful this life is for him, overall. But we’re each doing our best. Most of the time.”

She nods from resignation more than understanding. “Please tell him I miss him. As I do you, as well.”

“I’ll make sure he knows. Tell Han and Chewie I say hello. I will see you soon, Leia.”

She doesn’t like his certainty already. Perhaps contacting him was a mistake. _Rey is so young. Too young to give everything up for the Jedi path_.

With a wan smile, she ends the call. 

Leia leaves her office and moves restlessly to the balcony. The mid-day sun fills the sky while a warm breeze eases across her face. Her list of things to accomplish today seems unbearably long. 

Still, the timing of Rey’s arrival is strangely perfect. Having a chance to leave Hosnian Prime is quite rare. And rarer still does Leia actually embrace the chance to travel home. All of the pieces, from Han finding the girl to finally being able to reach Luke, point to the notion that the Force does interfere and nudge things to occur. Perhaps the Force has decided this girl is important. Of course, entertaining this train of thought makes Leia uncomfortable.

Rey walks onto the balcony with clean hair flowing around her shoulders.

“Ms. Organa, that ‘fresher wasn’t anything like getting clean on Jakku.”

Leia turns to the girl and smiles. “Please call me Leia. You might find that few things are like life on Jakku. I hope you’ll be comfortable here, Rey. Tomorrow I’ll show you all around Hanna City.”

“And then we’ll try to find my parents?”

Leia gives a curt nod, hoping the project isn’t as futile as it sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never written SO LITTLE BEN SOLO. It makes my heart sadddd. Chapter 4 will heal these wounds, however. Buckle up for one spectacularly angsty, gangly Padawan!
> 
> *Hosnian Prime technically doesn't become the capital of the Galactic Senate until 24 ABY. Nakadia is the capital between 5 ABY (the year Ben is born) until that time. But ya know, I can't find any info about the description of Nakadia. So I decided to move the capital sooner and keep the Solo-Organa house in the family.


	4. Chapter 4

“You’re going to Chandrila?” 

Luke nods patiently at Ben. “You may come or stay. You don’t have to decide now.”

Ben doesn’t move and yet he vibrates with emotion. He is gangly and stretched out, growing more vertically than in any other way. It’s as though something keeps pulling upwards on the boy’s head without regard for how it affects the rest of the body.

Luke remembers the process of adolescence and its physical sensations well. He doesn’t envy this time in Ben’s life, especially considering his nephew will be taller than anyone else in the family. _Growth entails pain_. Luke knows this intimately.

Ben chews his lip, a habit Luke has tried to discourage.

“I mean... My parents found a Force-sensitive kid in the desert? That seems intriguing.” Ben shifts his gaze to appear passively curious. Yet Luke senses the turmoil inside his nephew even without trying to. Ben’s emotions ricochet and collide with the very space around him, as they always do.

 _So little progress controlling these emotions_. “Calm your mind and think it over. Your mother asked for several days with the girl, so you have time to decide.”

Luke watches Ben’s response, thinking he can finally anticipate it. In their sixth year together, he knows the undulation of Ben’s emotional state. Unfortunately, as the boy has approached adulthood, the spikes have increased. During such heightened times, just standing near Ben feels like lost at sea during the blackest night; constant tumult without any conception of where to go or how to survive.

When he agreed to train Ben, Luke had not foreseen this level of chaos within the boy. For several years Luke was in denial about the scope and severity. He incorrectly concluded Ben’s distress was linked to moving away from his home and parents. And yet the boy’s internal cacophony persisted, morphed, and intensified.

Ben narrows his eyes and almost speaks. Then he walks away without another word. The door clicks as Ben leaves the temple.

If he’s being honest, Luke prefers to go to Chandrila alone. Evaluating Force sensitivity in children is usually straightforward. _Ben’s presence will complicate matters_. Luke knows if Ben comes, it will not simply be about evaluating the child, but also managing the teenager’s capricious moods. _Leia’s and Han’s moods, too_. Luke grimaces.

 _It will be nice to see all of them, at least_. Luke’s heart softens at the thought. It had been too long since they’d all been in one place. Longer still since they had been happy.

 _Maybe this child is what our family needs to stitch itself back together_.

Luke walks to the eastern exit, planning to meditate through the remainder of the day.

  


* * *

  


Rey finds city-life to be entirely too much. The endless wonders have lost their appeal. After hours exploring the streets of Hanna City, all she desires is a quiet place to sit. Leia doesn’t seem to notice Rey’s exhaustion.

“And this is my favorite marketplace. There are lovely items here that you won’t see anywhere else. I always find a treasure I have never seen before.”

Rey takes in the scene. Loud people of various species push through the throng. Colored canopies droop over cluttered tables. Several items catch the light but not her attention. The food, however, hypnotizes. 

Leia offers to buy Rey an icy treat. The flavoring is of a fruit that Rey could never have imagined. She licks at the tinted ice flakes, amazed that water can take this form. 

They walk to a seat beyond the market’s perimeter where tall skinny trees provide shade from the glaring afternoon sun. A being that Rey cannot identify plays a flute-like instrument nearby. It’s the most peaceful scene Rey has experienced all day.

She finishes her dessert as Leia begins to speak. “Rey, have you ever heard of the Force?”

Licking her fingers, Rey nods. “Yes. Mr. Han told me about it.”

“Did he tell you to call him that?” Leia laughs lightly.

“Uh, no… What should I call him?” Rey’s cheeks turn pink.

“Han is fine. I’m glad he introduced you to the concept. I believe you might be sensitive to the Force, meaning you can wield it with proper training.”

Rey notices two children kicking a ball across the boulevard. They smile and holler to one another, joy bouncing along with the toy. She yearns to join them. 

“What do you think about that?”

Knowing she needs to be polite, Rey looks at Leia. “It can’t be true because I know there isn’t anything unique about me.”

Leia takes her hands gently. “Rey, having a connection to the Force doesn’t make you unique on its own. You craft your own path and cultivate your own identity. Force sensitivity is a tool that some are able to use to make the galaxy better.” Leia’s expression darkens. “But some have used it to make lives worse...”

Rey feels Leia’s grip tighten. The woman’s eyes grow distant, seized by a memory or feeling Rey is not privy to. Rey gently tugs her hands away.

“I’m sorry,” Leia blanches. “I lost myself for a moment.” 

“It’s alright. We don’t have to talk about it.” Rey hopes Leia will let the whole conversation go. But she persists.

“Actually, I am Force-sensitive.” Rey looks at her sharply. The woman shapes the words as if they physically hurt. Leia kneads her palms together and continues speaking with great effort. “I didn’t know this until I was an adult. Since then, I have never been interested in learning how to use the powers, never prioritized training. My passions and responsibilities pulled me on a different path.” Leia sighs. “Luke, my twin brother, has dedicated his life to mastering the Jedi techniques. He can help you if you choose to explore your abilities. You don’t have to. It is entirely your choice.”

Rey has no words. The whole subject is too big and unwieldy. To imagine the future overwhelms her. _I will stick with what I know_.

“All I care about is finding my parents.”

Leia nods. Silence reigns for several minutes as the sun descends.

“I am here if you want to talk about anything.”

Rey believes her. 

“Let’s head back.” Leia stands and leads the way through the winding streets.

  


* * *

  


“You told Luke.” Han’s disappointment rests hard and solid in his chest.

Leia looks at him with a mingling of shame and uncertainty. “Yes. Seeing her demonstrate such a skill… It reminded me-” Leia stops herself. Han knows exactly what she was going to say.

“But she’s not Ben. We can’t assume it would be the same thing.” His throat constricts and he sits heavily at the table.

Leia slumps down across from him. “You’re right. It was weak to immediately reach out to Luke. I should have consulted you first.”

Han scoffs. “That sounds like an almost-apology.”

Leia glances at him, despondent. “I’m going to check on Rey. We never could completely trust C-3P0 to handle bedtime.”

Han watches Leia head to Ben’s old room. He shivers. _This is too eerie, too familiar_. Han considers going to see Chewie. The Wookie insisted on staying on the _Eravana_ since it has the largest bed outside of Kashyyyk. Chewie has always prized a good night’s sleep.

 _It’s time to stop running away_.

Han yawns and walks to the couch. _Maybe Leia will have still want to talk things through once Rey is asleep…_ Suddenly, Han wakes with a hand on his shoulder.

“Han,” Rey whispers. “Can I talk to you?”

He sits up, aggravated that unintentional naps are now his main way to pass the time. “Yeah, of course.” Han makes room on the couch.

“I don’t know about this whole Force thing.” Rey’s hesitation paints her face.

“Look, I don’t care what you choose either way. My goal when I took you away from Jakku was to give you a better life. Now you get to decide what that life looks like.” 

“How can I? I’m only a child.” The tenor of her voice matches the comment.

“Most Jedi used to start training around your age. Ben started at ten. Leia’s brother Luke started at nineteen. So there is time to decide.”

He sees her eyes widen and refract the artificial lights.

“Ben your son? He’s training to be a Jedi?”

Once more Han is surprised he failed to contribute such basic information. 

“Yes. He’s training with Luke.”

“How does Ben feel about it?”

Han hesitates, an oppressive blanket of remorse covering him entirely. He fears his voice will crack as he says, “I don’t know. I haven’t asked him in a long time.” 

Shock tinges Rey’s expression. Han feels nauseous. “Why not?”

“We haven’t been close for many years…” He stands and starts pacing. “He’s been out of reach, too, all over the galaxy on missions. Once he took the Jedi path there wasn’t much room for family.”

“Those sound like excuses.”

Han startles at her accusation and feels a strike of anger. He wants to yell and shoot things. Instead, he balls his fists. _She’s a child. Keep it together, you kriffing buffoon_. 

“I never said I was a good father.” Another pathetic response, this one spat toward the wall.

When he faces her, the look of confusion and disgust makes his head spin. _I’ve only known her a few days and already she hates me_. He wants to be anywhere else but here.

See-3P0 walks into the living room and stares at the two of them. “I beg your pardon, I heard a raised voice and had to investigate.”

Han grabs his jacket and heads for the door. As he passes Rey he says, “Sorry to disappoint you, kid.”

He at least has the wherewithal to keep the door from slamming as he makes his rapid exit.

  


* * *

  


Ben sits on a moss-covered boulder, trying not to pick every last fluffy piece of it from the stone surface. A chorus of stars attempts to soothe him. The warble of jungle dwellers creates a wet echo amongst the trees. Leaning back, he takes a deep breath. To his frustration, it seems to stir his anger instead of alleviating it. Oxygen fueling the fire.

Closing his eyes, Ben burrows his fingers into the purple-green clusters. He imagines each clump he removes is the loosening of a knot deep within him. By focusing on the tactile movement, Ben lets the sensory experience begin to block out the world both inside and outside himself. 

This technique, which Ben discovered on his own, works for everything except the dark sinuous voice that invades to occupy his mind. 

_You were never enough for them. Now, as expected, they have found a child who will be. It’s no surprise you are deemed unworthy again_.

The intended effect is immediate. A dagger slices through his focus and Ben’s palms press into his eyes. Hot tears pool on the rough skin of his hands as a loud wail ruptures him. The small clearing shakes from the volume.

No matter how much training, meditation, and effort Ben pours into the Jedi teachings, he can’t shut out the voice. Screaming riles it up further. Ignoring dulls it to a persistent and ceaseless grate. 

Listening to it means a reprieve will follow. A quiet tranquility will later take him. It lasts a day at most. But Ben savors the peace, even if he knows the torment will continue.

Something different happens this time as Ben tries to disregard the abuse. A violent wind whips the surrounding trees. Ben’s eyes fly open to discover a tornado of debris encircling him. Stones, fallen limbs, leaves, and various small forest parts savagely swirl through the air. The sheer momentum causes a sharp hum of velocity around Ben. 

“Enough!” he yells and the items fall.

Jumping off the rock, Ben starts running through the humid forest. His physical training takes over. The steady breaths and mindless push of his body through the thick vegetation eases him, piece by piece. 

Puddles from the day’s heavy rain dapple the trail. Ben stops involuntarily at one, drawn by the stillness. He grabs a pebble to feel the texture and weight then drops it into the liquid mirror, watching the stars ripple discordantly. They come back to themselves eventually, finding their own calm shape.

Ben stands. To his surprise, the voice has stopped. The disarray of his mental landscape is his, for now at least. No sinister tone snags, pulls, or tears at him. He desperately hopes this opportunity lasts.

Six years had elapsed since he saw his parents. During that time, Han and Leia did make a few efforts to connect with him, each one less determined than the last. Maybe it was too hard for them to see him here, miserable and isolated. Or maybe they didn’t care.

Ben could never understand, let alone accept, how little they grasped his desires and wants. How they didn’t even try to know him. There was never any true discussion of what his path should be. From his perspective, the assumption that he should live with Luke was made quickly, as if they were in a hurry to send their own child away. 

They claimed it was for the best, that this is what Ben needed. But he knew the truth. All of their explanations were to assuage their own guilt and remove themselves from such a prolonged state of fear and powerlessness.

Ben turns back to the temple. _Do I really want to meet this Force-sensitive child? The one who is bringing my family back together after I shattered it_? With a flash, the presence returns. Ben’s throat tightens when he tries to swallow. Dry and constricted, he staggers and gasps.

 _They’ve replaced me and I am so desperate for their affection I will willingly go to them and witness this brighter, less broken substitution. I will let them pour salt into my lacerations, never allowing myself to heal_. He drops to the ground and sobs, a ruinous disorder that rattles his bones.

A tentacle of sound wraps itself within his brain. Its cold grasp makes him shiver. Ben twists to his side and grabs his knees, trying to become as small as possible.

**My boy, you are finally beginning to see your own buried truth. You have known pain and suffering beyond anything else. That is why you crave it, even more than love**. The malevolent voice draws out the last word, sticky and stringy as sap. 

**Soon you will leave this life behind and find your true path. There will be fresh agony in ways you have never known. And yet, it will fill you. It will give you meaning and power. _I_ will give you power**. 

Ben writhes as his consciousness splinters. 

**Once you become who you were meant to be, no simpering child will be able to compare to you. Your parents will regret ever casting you aside**.

With excruciating speed, he feels himself turning to sodden mud, sculpting itself around the words, eager to believe and embrace. Eager for revenge. This part of him wants to never feel small or unworthy again. 

But the rest of him knows this creature uses base needs to convince and persuade. It wants his power and lineage. They want what Ben represents, nothing further.

He knows the soul cannot sustain its defenses against such an assault forever. The targets are found easily, precisely. Each one his most tender insecurity and the vilest of desires. This evil thing has grown its confidence, having trodden through his dreams for his entire childhood, now venturing into waking life. Corrupting light and turning joy to cinders.

It is thorough and relentless. Ben knows one day he will inevitably give up. He will offer this being what it wants. Despite Luke’s efforts, the ways of the Jedi could never counter the insistence of this menace. 

Even in this moment, Ben mourns the disappointment his submission to the darkness will cause. He mourns how they will think of him.

 _My entire life will amount to a series of failures, each one worse than the last_.

**But first you can make them pay **.****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you all feeling about this story? Any ideas where it might be going?


	5. Chapter 5

Leia waits on the balcony for Rey. Four days have passed without either of them bringing up the Force, training, or Luke. They have outlined everything Rey remembers of her parents, which is very little.

The girl never learned her parents’ names or planet of origin. She cannot recall how long she was on Jakku, whether she was born there and had come from elsewhere. The sole solid memories are of their faces and love, as well as the image of their departing ship. 

This lack of information frustrates both of them. Leia conceals her increasing sense of futility well. Rey grows morose. 

Sighing into her caf, Leia feels grateful for quiet time alone. Living with a child again sparks a multitude of emotions and thoughts. Some are more burdensome than others. 

Rey uses her Force abilities at least once a day, seemingly without even meaning to. Each time it comes as a shock to Leia. Despite the frequency, Leia never grew accustomed to Ben’s nonchalant demonstrations. It could never be a casual power to Leia. It was too wrapped up in destruction. 

“Hi,” Rey says quietly as she arrives on the balcony. The girl gazes at the golden-bloom of sunrise. See-3P0 walks out to offer Rey her favored tea. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure, Mistress Rey.” C-3P0 ducks his head then turns to Leia. “Senator Organa, your brother Luke has sent a message that he and young Ben are on their way.”

Rey’s head snaps toward Leia as C-3P0 walks back inside. “On their way?”

Leia winces as if slapped. “I failed to update him. I should have known he would take me literally about requesting some time… And then leave without confirmation we actually want him here.” She sighs and walks to the railing. “I’m sorry, Rey. This is my mistake. My brother is very prompt and eager.” She turns to face the girl.

“I guess it’s alright.”

In three steps she’s in front of Rey and crouching. “It’s not. You told me you didn’t want anything to do with Jedi training. And a Jedi master is now on his way to us.” Leia purses her lips angrily. _How could I have avoided telling Luke for this long? My cowardice once more will cause suffering_.

“Maybe we don’t have to talk about it. You can just see your family.” Leia startles, realizing Rey is trying to comfort her when Leia is the one at fault. She squeezes Rey’s hand.

“I like that plan. It will be good to see Ben, after so many years.” Leia stands and starts to head inside.

“What happened? Why don’t you see him anymore? Han talked about everyone being busy…”

Leia freezes in place. The unexpected question strikes her blood cold. Slowly, she turns and tries to organize her thoughts.

“It’s true that we’ve all stayed engaged in our individual efforts. Jedi training takes full dedication. Ben has trained with Luke for over six years and they have not come to Chandrila during that time. Han has been... let’s say _productive_ in his chosen life’s work. I remain committed to my duties with the New Republic.” Leia pauses, unable to ignore her disingenuous omissions.

Rey stares at her, sensing it as well. “Did Ben want to become a Jedi?”

_This child’s directness would be an asset in war and politics alike. Either way, she won’t let me get away with a single kriffing thing_. As the practiced diplomat she is, Leia swallows her emotions.

“No. Not at first. But I think eventually he understood it was best for him. Ben has a lot of anger that Han and I couldn’t ever help him process.” Leia snorts. “Come to think of it, Han and I never learned how to deal with our own anger.” She says it lightly but the attempt at levity fails.

“So, he didn’t want to go but you sent him anyway.” The girl hesitates. “Will you do that to me?” 

Leia sucks in a breath and looks down. A tidal shift occurs. Guilt and regret churn a wild storm within her. _How can I possibly explain what went wrong_?

When she meets Rey’s gaze, the girl’s expression shifts between worry and sadness, fear and distrust. “No, Rey, you get to decide what happens to you. It’s entirely your choice, as I’ve promised before.”

Leia cannot tell if this appeases Rey. She wrings her small hands in her lap and doesn’t respond at first. Finally, Rey looks up. 

“I think I want to talk to Ben about it.” 

Leia smiles sadly. “I think you two will get along. Unless he’s changed that drastically as a teenager.” The paltry joke leaves a stinging pain in her heart. _So many years I have missed out seeing my boy grow up. I hope it is not too late_. 

* * *

A dark velvet night unfurls as Han and Chewie walk the boulevard. They each carry a bottle of alcohol that smacks a grimace onto their faces. With each swig, Han chokes out another broken thought. His best friend listens, knowing that heavy drinking has a tendency to trigger an avalanche of Han’s deepest insecurities. He’d be embarrassed if it weren’t already a decades’ long habit.

But it comforts Han to realize that Chewie can relate to the anxiety of seeing one’s family after an extended absence.

Han speaks midthought. “And anyway. He’s probably not coming to see _me_. Much more likely it’s for Leia. Or maybe even the special new Force kid.”

“Rrrrhhhhggg!”

“Yes, you too. He always loved his _Unca Chewie_.” Han smirks but it feels hollow. He inhales and tries to quash the bitterness. Though Han loathes acknowledging this jealousy, it’s always there when he thinks of the way Ben bonded with his friends. From the beginning, Lando had a knack for making Ben feel seen and adored. Chewie gave Ben his undivided attention and love. Their interactions with Ben seemed natural and joyful.

Han couldn’t compare to these displays of effortless affection. With a propensity to sarcasm, impatience, and surface-level interactions, Han struggled to connect. Leia told him many times to keep trying, that he would get the hang of it. But the way she observed him with Ben never evolved beyond disappointed.

Han recognized his intense fear of failure as a child. Consequently, he made an unconscious decision to put forth partial effort from then on. If he didn’t actually apply himself, he could remain aloof. And when the results were inadequate, he didn’t have to feel ashamed about it. He’d simply shrug and say “I didn’t care, anyway.”

But he cared with Ben. For the first time in his life, something beyond himself and romance mattered. The tiny screeching baby with ancient eyes turned a switch in him and Han was invested. To his aggravation, none of it came easily. He had no innate parenting skills like with flying or getting out of dangerous situations. No amount of intuition could make him the father he wanted to be.

Han drinks deeply from the bottle. A rowdy ball of individuals tumbles out of a bar ahead of them. Squinting in their direction, Han wonders vaguely if a brawl would distract him. He quickly shakes his head. “We’re getting old, Chewie.” The barest hint of slurring accentuates Han’s speech.

“Rrrwwwg.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re a lot older than I’ll ever be. Thank the stars for that. Don’t think I can manage a life that long.” A bouncer forces the crowd apart and the beleaguered figures walk off in various directions. Their last shouts include obscenities in at least five different languages.

Han pauses and looks to the clouded sky despondently. “No stars tonight…”

Another deep gulp from his bottle leaves Han swaying. “Tomorrow I see my son.” He feels the air shake with dread and anticipation. _Or maybe I’m drunk_. Chewie pats Han’s shoulder. The weight of his companion’s hand reassures Han, both physically and emotionally. 

Then one more anxious thought sprouts from the weary soil of his brain.

“Do you think he’ll let me hug him?” 

* * *

Rey opens her eyes and stares at the light-spattered ceiling. She finds it unnerving to rest in this absurdly cushioned bed, to wake without fear of oversleeping. There are no demands on her time. She knows a pile of food waits for her with a glass of the cleanest, most satisfying water she has ever tasted. Though she’s living this life currently, it doesn’t seem real.

A mountain of gratitude marks her new mental landscape. But just as visible is the chasm of fear that erodes her. _This won’t last. We won’t find my parents. I will be back with Plutt within the week_.

Sliding out of bed Rey dispels the sandtrap thoughts. Neither hope nor worry has never helped her survive; hard work and focus can do that. _I’ll make my parents proud and keep going. No matter what_.

Rey dresses in the new clothes Leia purchased. Each morning she marvels at the quality of the fabric, at how astonishingly clean the garments are. Despite Leia’s offer to braid her hair, Rey continues to wear it in three buns. Since everything else in her life has been disrupted, Rey wants one familiar thing to hold onto.

The kitchen beckons with an aroma that makes her mouth water. 

“Morning,” Leia says as Rey comes into the kitchen. See-3P0 plates steaming bread with sweet jam and bustles around preparing their beverages. The scene makes Rey think of something.

“Good morning.” Rey pauses, considering her phrasing. “I hope this doesn’t sound rude. But why does a protocol droid make our food?” Leia speaks before C-3P0.

“That is a very long story. The summary is this and sounds like quite the bedtime story: an evil man once took over all droids in the galaxy in the effort of killing sentient, organic beings.” Leia looks at Rey. “Han was trying to stop him and eventually succeeded, with help. I was dealing with whatever I was focused on at the time… But while we were elsewhere, a droid nearly killed Ben. He was two years old.” Leia’s eyes grow murky with the memory. “See-3P0 is the only one I trust. And he has never let me down.”

If a droid could beam with pride, C-3P0 would be positively blinding. 

“Thank you, Senator. It is my honor to serve you.” 

Leia nods sincerely then heads to the table with plates in hand. “Speaking of Ben, actually. They’re arriving today.”

Rey freezes and feels her mouth hang open.

“It’s soon, I know. Luke is not one to dawdle.” Rey can sense Leia’s apprehension as she tears into a piece of fresh bread. Rey overcomes her immobility and walks to the table.

“I’m nervous,” she hears herself say as Leia slathers bright pink jam over the bread.

“Me too. We’ll get through this together.”

Rey attempts a smile as Leia hands her the bread. Without further delay, Rey shoves the food into her mouth and chews rapidly. A burst of flavor overpowers her, an entire cosmos of taste dancing across her tongue. _I never knew sustenance could taste this good_.

See-3P0 brings caf and tea to the table. Rey thanks him. “Of course, Mistress Rey. I shall confirm Jedi Master Luke and young Master Ben’s sleeping arrangements. They should be arriving before lunch. I must say, I am quite excited to see them both.” He leaves the kitchen with a spring in his step.

Leia chuckles. “See-3P0 never appreciated Ben’s habit of causing a ruckus. I wonder exactly how much he’s deciding to ignore from his memory banks.”

Rey notices a bowl of fruit for the first time and selects a rainbow display for her plate. “What do we do until they get here?”

“I thought we’d check in with Han since he didn’t make it back last night. Knowing him and Chewie, they were probably up late imbibing gut-deteriorating liquids.” Leia gives Rey a what-can-you-do look.

“Can we go through that database again on your holopad?” She can’t help but remind Leia of the true purpose of her presence here.

“Yes, of course. We’ll do that after we finish eating and call Han.” Leia hesitates as if shaping her tongue around unpleasant-tasting words. “Rey, I do think we need to consider that we…” The older woman’s brows knit together with compassion. “There is a possibility that we won’t find them.” Leia leans over to grasp Rey’s arm.

Rey keeps her eyes on the jam she spreads across the textured terrain of bread. “I know.” The words tumble out. Whether Leia wants to say more or not is irrelevant. Rey leaves the table before tears betray her sadness. 

* * *

“We’re here.” 

They both know Luke doesn’t need to say it. But the silence between them has calcified so thoroughly that only an obvious statement can begin to soften it.

Ben swallows painfully. He imagines himself suspended above a fire, forced to inhale the smoke while threatening flames cavort below. The suggestion of doom slithers into him, as does the voice. 

**These people will not be your doom. We will shape a world where the doom of others will become a most exquisite satisfaction**. The words crackle as Luke prepares to land.

His uncle tenses. For a second, Ben wonders if he perceives the dark energy invading the space. Maybe Luke can tell a threat meanders confidently, leisurely, in the mind of his own nephew. But Luke relaxes once he begins the landing sequence. 

The smoke billows within Ben’s lungs. _My uncle is a powerful Jedi who can sense Force-users across the galaxy. Why can’t he see what is happening right in front of him_?

Ben’s rapid exhale draws Luke’s attention. “It will be alright. As long as you recognize and own how you feel, you should be able to control your emotions.” Luke gives him a distant but encouraging smile. Before Ben can change his own expression, Luke focuses on the landing pad.

**You see, my boy? No one even wants to look upon you**.

Gritting his teeth, Ben leaves the cockpit of their small ship and retrieves his few items. 

The duration of their visit depends on several things, but primarily how the girl responds to Luke. Ben’s unsure if he’d rather it be a day or several weeks. _I just need to see them. I need to know they..._ The nail-sharp voice interrupts his thought.

**Their love makes you weak. Once you stop needing it, your power will astonish all**.

With an impulse to snarl a retort, Ben looks at the curved wall of the ship. He follows the gray metal bolts up and over his head and down the other side. Strangely, the voice recedes.

Moving decisively, Ben disembarks the ship with Luke following behind.

He keeps his head lowered, not ready to look at these faces. _This is what I’ve wanted for six years. How can I dread this so much_? His lungs produce a raspy breath.

“Rrrrrrwwwwwhhh!” Ben almost drops his small bag at the sound of Chewie’s excitement. His eyes smart at once. Then the Wookie’s arms sweep him up. The magnitude of it is both welcome and overwhelming.

With chest compressed Ben can’t complain about the intensity of the embrace. To his surprise, though, he doesn’t mind. His eyes snap shut and a stream of memories replaces his blood, pumping through his very being: rides on Chewie’s shoulders, rough-housing the floor of the _Falcon_ , playing blaster games around the house. _You’re almost a man, for kriff’s sake. Get over these childish thoughts_. And yet he clings to his uncle all the more fervently.

_At least I’m finally tall enough to keep my feet on the ground_.

Ben pulls back to breathe again and Chewie unwraps his arms. He unsuccessfully shuffles Ben’s short hair. A grin shoots across Ben’s face.

“I’m glad you’re here.” He means it more than words can communicate. Chewie yelps his agreement.

“Ben.” 

Leia’s voice holds a tide of emotion. It quivers like he’s never heard before. When Ben looks past the wall of furry Wookie, Leia stands a few feet away, Han beside her.

Without intending to, Ben looks up at the Chandrilan sky. A dusting of clouds shifts the mazarine hue of midday. It reminds him of the flimsy bubbles of seafoam, pummeled by the steady crush of waves. The ephemeral beauty seems to ground him.

He takes a deep breath and looks toward his parents. The anxious craters of their eyes could catch him and never let go. Ben’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not. But at least the corrupting voice remains silent.

Ben steps forward Leia spans the gap. She hugs him awkwardly, unused to his height and mass. Ben’s arms swing around her and he relinquishes everything. For a delicate and brief moment, he believes this hug will heal each wound he carries. 

For the first time, Ben realizes how physically small his mother is. Her energy, strength, and words always occupied an impressive amount of space. Further relaxing into her arms, he notices that she still smells the same. Ben ignores the sense of embarrassment and inhales deeply.

Han presses close and a fierce percussion beats in Ben’s chest. Leia releases him almost begrudgingly. Ben decides to not resist the current. To be swept away might cause his eventual destruction but for now, it’s all he wants.

Han has a questioning look in his eye that Ben can’t recall witnessing before. His father wasn’t one to show doubt or to hesitate. The man would plow ahead, however gruff or awkward. _He’s asking for permission_. 

Suddenly, Ben inhabits a world that is no longer his. There are vague, happy memories of when he was small and could still cuddle with his father. But at some point, a distance ruptured and widened swiftly. Ben can’t remember the last time he hugged his father.

Han waits for Ben to give any indication of assent. The space becomes crystalline with a specific frequency and timber. It coalesces around them peacefully. Ben finds it bewildering.

When Han sees the nod he crashes against Ben. Once more the emotions are too much and Ben disconnects. He floats above his body and witnesses the family that gathers, each one apparently happy to see this boy they had given up on.

From this vantage point, he sees the father release the son. Smiles are unleashed. Jovial voices fill the air. The son is surrounded, buffeted. Beyond the cluster of recognizable people is a child who glows fiercely in the Force.

Ben slams back into himself. Inexplicably, he has seen her before.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, prepare for an unhealthy dose of ANGST.

Rey observes from a distance. She can’t understand why they haven’t seen each other in years. _There is so much love between them_. Her heart quivers silently and she wipes at her eyes.

The group coalesces around the boy, eager and unabashed. She senses his overwhelm, his wonder-tinged disbelief. How, she has no idea. But it wafts around her viscerally.

Ben is tall. Dark hair crops his head, revealing ears that remind Rey of flags caught in the winds of Jakku. She wonders if anyone teases him like she used to be teased for her dirty clothes.

Han and Leia hover close to their son as Chewie towers over everyone. Another man approaches. Leia seizes him while Han claps a hand on the man’s shoulder. Joy sparks in the air.

All of a sudden, Ben notices her. Rey jolts. His powerful focus makes her take a step back. While his gaze is fixed, a sinuous fear wraps itself around her. She considers running away but her feet remain stuck to the ground.

Leia marks his shift in attention and motions to her.

“Ben, this is Rey. She’s been excited to meet you.” 

_I wish she hadn’t said that_. Neither she nor Ben move. Han nudges Ben.

“Where are the Jedi manners?” Han says kindly and Ben blinks.

“Hi, Rey.” His voice comes to her hesitantly. He doesn’t extend a hand. She dips her head once to acknowledge and Leia gives her a confused look.

She knows Leia will press her about this later. Right now, Rey has no words to describe what she’s feeling. There’s a smudged familiarity about him that unnerves. And a deep rumbling of an awareness trying to surface.

To distract everyone from the uncomfortable moment, Rey nods at the other man. “You’re Master Luke.”

Leia’s brother smiles. “I am. Just call me Luke. I’m pleased to meet you, Rey. I’ve heard you have some impressive abilities.”

“I’d rather not talk about that. No offense,” Rey adds. Ben’s head tilts slightly. 

Luke nods respectfully. “Shall we head to the house?” 

Chewie hoots his affirmation and leads the way, tugging at Ben’s arm. It catches the boy by surprise and he loses his balance. Rey almost laughs despite herself. At once, Ben’s eyes meet hers and his cheeks color.

The group begins moving and Rey stays at the back.

“How is training, Ben?” Leia falls in step with Ben, whose gait far outpaces hers.

“It’s fine. Challenging,” Ben replies shortly. Rey gets the impression that, like her, he doesn’t want to discuss the subject. 

Luke elaborates without hesitation. “Ben excels with the saber. The height of his concentration and precision is when handling that tool. He impresses me whenever we spar.” Leia looks at Ben with proud eyes. Han quirks a smile at his son, whose face stays blank. Rey wonders what could be going on in the boy’s head. _If my master spoke so highly of me, I would feel proud_.

“As you probably guessed, he spends a lot of time studying the sacred texts. His knowledge of the Force rivals my own.” Luke’s voice seems cool and aloof, as if evaluating a stranger instead of describing his nephew. “Of course, Ben still struggles with meditating. There’s time for that.”

Ben’s shoulders tense and Rey feels spikes of anger shoot off him. She’s never known anyone this sensitive and reactive. It destabilizes the very space he inhabits.

Han, perhaps understanding Ben’s discomfort, speaks up. “How does it feel to be back in Hanna City?”

The mid-day crowds part around their group unprompted. As they near a market, the volume of citylife increases as loud shop owners advertise their wares. Rey walks faster to hear Ben’s reply.

“It’s odd.” If he says more than that, Rey doesn’t catch it.

They arrive at the place that Han, Leia, and Ben once called home. When he sees it, Ben looks stricken. Rey feels her resistance toward this fraught individual lessens. To her disbelief, she’s tempted to take his hand, to reassure him. It passes quickly.

Everyone pours into the spacious house. See-3P0 enthusiastically hails Luke, who apparently was once his master. Han and Chewie bring out the food that C-3P0 prepared and set the table. Leia talks animatedly with Luke. Ben stands still as a tree amidst the chaos. Then he’s looking at her again, brows furrowed as if she’s a book of facts.

Rey’s not sure what to do with herself. That morning had been bursting with excitement. There was a list of questions Rey planned to ask Ben. Now, none of them seem important. Only one question manifests.

“Why are you staring at me?” 

He jumps as if scalded. “I’m sorry. You’re just… Familiar.”

Rey pauses. This is not the response she expected. “You are too. Why?”

“I am?” Ben’s eyes widen. 

“Why would I lie?”

He inhales shakily. “I think I saw you, or someone who looks like you, in a dream.”

Something sinister skips along her skin. “I saw you, too. But it wasn’t in a dream. It was a nightmare.”

* * *

The way she says it leaves him breathless, prickles of bloodlessness sweeping his limbs. Ben watches her departing form and imagines running after her. As horrifying as her response is, he has to understand what could be happening. There’s a recognizable flagellation in pursuing someone who wants nothing to do with him.

 _Why did I come here_?

 **Because you had to witness it, remember? That they love you. But you already knew the truth. They want only who they expect you to be. Not the nightmare you are. The darkness this girl already sees**.

With bone-crushing pressure the voice assails him. Ben hadn’t even noticed its entrance, too distracted by the anxiety of seeing his family again. He grabs both sides of his head and falls to the ground.

“Ben!” Leia calls out across the room. She kneels beside him. Other bodies swarm but he can’t ascertain who exactly they are or what they’re feeling. There is only a melting dread encasing him. An illness of the mind that remains invisible to the few who could possibly see it.

But he feels Rey. She runs forward, apprehensive. A light emanates from her, cutting through the shadowed injury that percolates his being. He whips up to look at her, eyes splintering. She’s so young. He worries he’ll contaminate her simply by proximity.

Ben stands and the group sweeps back. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Eat some food. That should help.” Ben abstractly notes in his father’s concern. Then he searches Han’s face. It’s still the same person, wearing more lines along his features. But it does not seem like the man he called dad.

His nerves stitch back together. The voice departs as unobtrusively as it arrived. Only then does Ben breathe deeply.

Luke stands off to the side and Ben can guess why. _Probably thinking I’m purposefully drawing attention to myself_. Instantly, a hint of bile creeps up his throat. 

Ben let’s Leia guide him to the table and his parents sink down on either side. A plate overflows in front of him. He can’t manage to bring any of it to his mouth.

“We’re so glad you’re here, Ben,” Leia says and smiles. Han presses his lips together in agreement.

He’s tempted to shove them away, to scream all of the words that have rebounded within him, picking up speed and jaggedness. Lightning-stricken words of despair and rage. Instead, a silence oscillates between them. Ben glances up to see Luke talking with Rey. The girl looks trapped but he’s unsure if he can offer any kind of rescue. Or if she’d want it.

Finally, he takes a bite of sandwich and chews inadequately. After a gulp of water he musters an honest response. “I wish I’d never left.”

Neither of them gasp out loud. And yet Ben can feel the swift, dramatic intake. A recoil of body and heart, an inundation of the mind. He almost apologizes.

“There will be more time to talk about that. For now, eat and then rest,” Leia says. She stands and Ben shoves down his impulse to grab her, to pull her back. _You were always leaving. That’s all you ever did_.

“We missed you, son.”

Ben glances at his father, once more trying to understand. His eyes dart between Han’s. Ben sees a thick sheen of regret.

 _Then why didn’t you come get me? Why did you bring home some random kid instead of me_?

 **Perhaps it is not arbitrary, but meant to be**. 

The whisper flickers, insinuating that it knows more. Ben knows few things it tells him are actually credible. This has a stroke of truth to it.

Han leaves the table after another meaningful look. Already Ben can’t stand it. _It’s all too little, too late_. Then he submerges in a wave of self-hatred. No matter what, he can’t be satisfied. Either they don’t love him enough to send him away, or they love him enough to welcome him back home. _But only because she’s here_. He wrestles violently with the opposing possibilities.

Since he can’t stomach any more food, Ben stands and surveys the scene. Chewie and Han sit on the couch. See-3P0 is surprisingly quiet off to the side. Leia has intercepted Luke and Rey. The girl seems calmer with Leia there. Ben wonders if he can sneak out.

“Ben, come join us.” Luke flicks his head. 

Striding reluctantly across the living room, Ben glimpses himself running through this room, happy and carefree. Even though the dark dreams had already started at that young age, Ben trusted that it would get better. That life still held joy and safety.

So far, he has been proven wrong.

“Rey was telling me about her parents, who she hopes to find,” Luke shares as Ben sits.

“Han said Leia could help me. But we haven’t found anything out yet,” Rey says softly. “That’s the only reason why I’m here.” 

Ben’s not sure for whose benefit she says it. Perhaps everyone’s. He chances a look to gauge her mental state.

Rey meets his eyes. It must have been an accident because she looks embarrassed. Without a word, she walks to the dining room. They watch her cover a plate and begin to eat so rapidly he wonders if she thinks the food will disappear. 

“She insists she is not interested in Jedi training,” Leia says quietly to Luke.

“Just give me some time with her.” 

When Leia doesn’t reply, Ben’s hackles shoot up. “But that’s not what she wants.” The ferocity of his words shock even him. Luke’s composure irritates Ben further.

“As much as I would like to be hopeful, Leia thinks the search for her parents is futile.” Luke sighs. “Once she accepts this loss, I think she will be ready to address her burgeoning skills.”

Ben stands swiftly and balls his fists. Everyone in the house looks at him sharply. “You shipped me off when I was too hard to handle when your fear of me became too much. Then you replace me with another Force-sensitive kid. Now you want to get rid of her, too?” His voice pitches higher.

A look of panic spreads across the faces of his family. But there is no surprise as if they knew an outburst was inevitable. _I’d hate to disappoint them_. He plows forward.

“No one advocated for what _I_ needed. Nobody gave a kriff about what I wanted. You only cared about what was easiest for you.” He heaves, works his jaw. A metallic coldness permeates his brain and he waits for the complete, expected fissure. “She may think I’m a monster from her nightmares. But I _won’t_ let you do to her what you did to me.”

Rey’s eyes rest on him nearly burning a hole in his skin. He dashes for the exit with impatient limbs and a staccato heart. No one intercepts him. He slams the door with as much force as he can muster.

* * *

Han walks to the balcony and leans over the edge. He doesn’t see Ben. A chair scratches behind him.

“I will admit that I do miss more varied food choices.” Luke pulls his chair in and scrapes a fork against the plate. Han whirls around, astounded.

“How can you be so casual? I thought Jedi training was going to improve the kid’s temperament? It looks like he’s only getting worse!” His brow furrows to the point of muscle ache.

“Han, he’s a male, human teenager. He’s home for the first time in years. This is normal.”

Han shakes his head and sits. Luke brings a fork to his mouth slowly, deliberately savoring the food. Han watches with a grimace then tilts his head to the sky.

“How can he feel like we replaced him?” 

“Though I don’t share his feelings, I think Ben made it pretty clear. He feels rejected and forgotten about. This seems strange to me, considering the warm welcome he received today.” Luke takes another bite and smiles into it.

“We would never replace him. Never even could.” Han huffs softly. “I just wanted to help Rey.”

“Did you have any other motivations for taking her with you?” Luke gives him a look that says _‘I already know the answer but I’m asking for your sake,’_ which Han finds incredibly grating. 

“Okay, yes. She reminded me of Ben. I felt guilty about Ben. I feel guilty about a lot of things.” Han stands again. “I missed him” 

Luke listens silently, then takes another bite.

 _There is too much to say. I’ll never say it right. But Luke knows it all, anyway_. “I need a drink,” Han states. 

Leia sits with Chewie around the table with C-3P0 at her elbow. Her despondence congeals. She flicks a piece of aquatic broccoli across the plate with her fork as Chewie eats only somewhat slower than usual. 

“What is with you all? Everything’s just back to normal after Ben threw a fit and ran away?”

“What you described is not unlike most of his childhood, Han.” Leia’s head rests upon her hand.

Han glares at her. “This is the problem. This right here!” He stomps to the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle. “Well, I’m not going to repeat our mistakes. I’m going to find our son.”

After two heavy footsteps toward the door, Leia’s tired voice rings out. “With a full bottle, Han?” 

A wildfire ignites and he clutches the container so hard his fingers turn white. “Fine.” He takes an aggressive gulp then slams it down on the table. Leia’s eyes quake.

A fraught moment hangs between them. It shimmers menacingly, magma roiling below the surface. Then he stalks through the open front door and doesn’t bother to close it.

On the street, Han takes a deep breath. It mollifies the flames a bit and he relaxes his hands. A gentle wind glides along the boulevard.

He has no idea where Ben would have gone. His escape attempts as a young boy always brought him to the _Falcon_. Remembering this douses the rest of Han’s anger, leaving a frigid sadness in its wake.

That first time, Han found his son curled up in the pilot’s seat. His heart had been on the brink of beating itself out of his chest. He and Leia had split up to scour the neighborhood, knowing the boy couldn’t have gotten far. When Han’s hunch was proven to be right, he was elated. _Maybe, after all, I was meant to be a father_ , he’d thought.

Han gazed at the boy, exhausted from the emotional tumult of that day. Then he carried Ben through the city streets, which hummed the specific tune of evening. When Han laid the boy in bed, Ben clutched at Han’s shirt, unwilling to let go.

He races to the _Falcon_ , desperate to find his child, to tell Ben how much he loves him. A fervent need to apologize for never fully showing it propels him even faster.

But when he reaches the _Falcon_ , he finds it empty. Silent. Han crumples to the floor and sobs.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clearly, I had trouble editing this chapter because there were a lot of typos, yikes!

Rey doesn’t know why she goes after Ben. Embers of violence spark and smolder inside him, unpredictable and cutting. She cannot shake the persistent flash of warning that signals in his presence. Even still, something pulls her through the door when everyone else is too upset to notice.

It’s early afternoon, the quietest part of the day. Rey has been here long enough to begin noticing the city’s patterns. She knows she’ll never get used to the sensory overload, but within the hubbub of this metropolis exists quiet beauty and joy. The variety of greenery and flowers makes her stagger. Watching children, neither underfed nor abused, play together feels like a life she could have. A life of comfort and love.

 _But this isn’t my life. Soon it will only be a memory_.

Rey rounds a corner and spots him. Ben’s forehead rests upon the cool clay, arms hanging at his sides. He’s almost hidden in the shadow cast by the building.

With cautious steps, she approaches, unsure what she will say. _What is there to say_? A pebble clatters underfoot and Rey winces at the clatter.

Ben turns to her quick as a ripper-raptor. He shakes with layers of anguish, shoulders hunched and tight. After a moment of wrestling with composure, he fakes a look of detachment.

“How did you find me?

“I followed a feeling.”

Ben snorts. “A feeling.” He switches sides, leaning back upon the wall. Silence permeates the space. He drops his hands.

“Why are you here, Rey?” Ben asks quietly. His energy shifts and she walks closer. 

“To thank you. For saying that about me.” Her words erupt like the first rays of Jakku sunlight.

Ben’s narrowed eyes bore into her and soften. She rushes onward.

“But, also, I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to protect me.” 

His head drops. “I believe you.” 

“And… I’m sorry about what I said. About the whole nightmare thing.” She slumps to the cobbled ground.

After a protracted moment, Ben joins her.

“I don’t blame you. I am a monster. No one wants to address it head-on. But it’s true.”

Rey’s astounded by the resignation of his tone, as if he isn’t interested in the course of his own life. She shakes her head repeatedly and the buns bounce into her shoulders. Ben glances sideways at the movement.

“I don’t think you are. You don’t know me. But you stood up for me when no one else would. That’s not something a monster does.”

Ben shuts his eyes and tilts his head back.

When Rey realizes he’s not going to respond, she adds, “And the way your family loves you…”

He scoffs. “They love who they want me to be. They love the image of _enlightened Jedi Master Ben_ , not who I’ve always been. They hate how much darkness is in me. And no matter what I do, I can’t help it. I can’t fight it. That’s why…” He pauses and locks eyes with her. “I accept what your nightmare says about me.”

She shakes her head erratically. “The dream doesn’t even make much sense.” Rey flounders, having no idea how to comfort people. _Especially teenaged boys who could have a breakdown at any moment_.

He surprises her. “Tell me what happens in it. Please.”

Rey tenses. “There’s rain. A group of people all in black, wearing masks, hold weapons… Then one of them takes the mask off. And he looks like you. But not like you. Older, I guess. I don’t know. He’s very sad. I always wake up scared and crying.” She has never voiced a dream out loud. It’s embarrassing, vulnerable. Ben doesn’t laugh or dismiss it. He looks at her with disquiet eyes. Rey turns away.

The nightmare man blazes in her mind even now. He has such an agonized expression with hollowed-out features. She glances back at Ben and sees a similar spattering of despair.

“The dreams I have... they’re from a possible future, I think. You’re always fighting with a saber. You’re very threatening.” A faint smile tugs at his mouth but she can sense he’s being honest.

“How can you tell it’s me?”

“Same clothes, same hair.” Ben doesn’t look at her.

“Is it a nightmare?” Her breath stalls.

He oscillates his head, pondering a reply. “It veers that way, sometimes. I’m pretty sure you stab me, though that’s always a waterlogged and murky part of the dream.” Ben’s eyes darken.

Rey shudders. “That’s horrible.”

“I always wake up feeling like something else is supposed to happen. But it never gets that far.” A breath escapes him and he gaze grows unfocused. “I thought these dreams were… sent from someone. As a warning. Or a prediction. Maybe even a threat.”

“What does that mean?”

Ben shrugs. “I assume we’ll find out.” His hand falls to the ground. Without looking, he makes a couple of pebbles hover, apparently lost in thought.

“Do you have other nightmares?”

The pebbles drop and Ben swallows. “Yes.”

“Me too.”

In silence, Rey watches the afternoon sun ignite the mineral flecks in the bricks. Hidden in the buildings themselves are tiny bits of splendor. A wind tussles the short strands of Ben’s hair. She’s not sure how much time passes before she speaks.

“How can we dream of each other if we’ve never met?”

“I don’t know.”

Rey feels a spike of impatience. _Aren’t older kids supposed to know more about the world? Isn’t this what he’s been studying at school_?

“Luke made it seem like you’re an expert on the Force,” Rey replies sharply.

“Well, I don’t know _everything_ ,” Ben explodes. 

She recoils as he leaps up. His hand darts up and the shingles of the building rise into the air, crashing down instantly with a series of earthy clapping sounds. There they sit, misaligned and broken upon the roof. 

“I’m not actually an expert of anything. Except being the vile thing they all think I am.”

Rey considers bolting. She has outrun lots of older kids before, mostly because she can easily disappear from sight. Her instinct to fly unexpectedly settles as he runs his hand through his dark hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m tired of being this wreck of a person,” Ben says and collapses to the ground once more.

“Me too. I feel so angry all the time. And sad.”

“That describes me perfectly, you know.” He makes a noise that resembles amusement.

Rey turns directly to him. “Ben. I don’t want your family. They’re yours. I want my own back,” Rey says and nausea corrupts her stomach. She squeezes her eyes shut and begins to cry. 

Hesitantly, Ben crouches in front of her and flails. “I can try to help with that.” He dangles a hand to comfort but lets it drop. A rasping sorrow devours her.

The alley echoes her cries and muffles the city. She sags entirely, letting her whole body seep with accumulated melancholy. Ben doesn’t speak and continues his insecure waiting.

 _Strange how fast we got to this point_. Since being on her own, Rey has never let anyone know the depths of her loneliness. Of her sense of abandonment.

Somehow this frightening, kind, unpredictable boy disassembles her walls swiftly and efficiently.

Rey’s breathing evens eventually and she looks up to see Ben staring at her with a degree of compassion than she has never witnessed before. His eyes are lit with understanding. He moves his hand to rest lightly on her shoulder. 

The touch instantly sends them sprawling with furious severity. At once, a clash of hazy images and potent feelings engulf her, each one as obscured as the unpleasantly familiar nightmares. She wheezes from the full-body rush, trying to calm her charged nerves.

Rey’s head begins to throb. For a moment she can’t identify why. Rey realizes her head must have connected with the wall from the shock. When her fingers reach to the abrasion she feels a sticky wetness. 

She takes stock of the rest of her body and doesn’t find any other physical injuries. Glancing at Ben, Rey evaluates him, as well. He lays on the ground, jaw hanging loosely from the jolt and visual deluge. 

“What the kriff was that?”

If she weren’t in pain she’d almost laugh at the sight of him; dusty robes, hair standing on end, a look of profound confusion stitched to his features. _Not how I’d imagine a Jedi should look_ The thoughts flow lazily along the tired lines of her brain.

Ben sees her crimson-tinged fingers and leaps forward. “You’re bleeding. We need to get you back to the house.”

Rey nods but can’t stop trembling, though she tries. Ben notices and gives her a look of consternation. _Nothing gets past him. I guess it will be hard to hide anything from now on_. She grits her teeth.

Ben’s clearly hesitant to touch her for a second time and yet his concern punctuates the air. He moves back and forth quickly, fluttering like one of the few insects Rey ever saw on Jakku. 

His awkward darting makes her laugh and he startles. Ben blinks at her, not comprehending the humor of the situation. She shrugs and quietly apologizes.

“I wish I could help you walk. I just don’t want… whatever _that_ was to be a recurring experience.”

“Me either. I’m okay.” Her legs wobble but she manages several steps. She considers chiding him. _It’s not my first head wound, Ben_.

Instead, they walk back in silence. A rapid shuffling of foreign images preoccupies Rey, each one taking up a confused residence in her jarred mind. _Maybe, one day, something about my life will make sense again_. But she doubts it.

* * *

“I saw her parents.”

“What?” Han’s mouth hangs open.

“How?” Leia at the same time, matching Han’s astonishment. 

“She was crying. I… tried to comfort her.” He struggles to string words together, still bewildered by the experience. “I can’t explain it. But when I placed my hand on her knee, there was a flood of visuals. One was of a couple and I somehow... knew it was them.”

“How the kriff is that possible?”

They stand in the master bedroom with the door closed. Leia’s deep in thought as Han gapes. Ben works his jaw and paces the room.

“I’m beginning to realize the incredible connection between you and Rey. I can’t comprehend it but the evidence continues to mount. We should talk to Luke about this.”

Ben scowls loudly and stops in his tracks. “No. I don’t want him involved. I can figure this out. I’m only telling you because you’re the one who took her from Jakku,” Ben jerks his head at Han. “And you’re the one who promised to help. Anyway, I saw them killed.”

Leia startles, at a rare loss for words. Han winces at the addendum. 

“I was afraid they might no longer be alive, but murder?” Leia works her temples in a familiar attempt to stave off a worsening headache.

Ben plunges to the couch with an exaggerated sigh. “Is she alright?”

“Yeah, it is a small wound. Scalps always bleed a lot but she won’t need stitches.” Ben glances at his dad. _I wonder how extensive his first aid knowledge is? How many times has he had to take care of himself or Chewie_? It makes him consider the mortality of his parents, who both inhabit the present space with heightened anxiety.

“What else did you see, Ben?” Leia sits beside him.

“It was hard to discern. But I got the impression her parents were killed by someone searching for Rey. I got the feeling they were trying to protect her.” _Would my parents ever go that far to protect me? Would I recover if they died to do so_?

 **They have had many opportunities to protect you, my boy. Their efforts have always been deficient**.

Ben shakes his head to dislodge the splintered mutterance. Leia rests a hand on his shoulder and he jumps. So rarely has he felt physical contact over the past six years that the contact triggers a bizarre buzzing sensation.

“Can we talk about what happened before? Your father and I have something we’d like to say.”

Ben rolls her hand off his shoulder. “I’d rather not. But sorry I yelled.” He rises and walks to the balcony, hoping for a sliver of silence to himself. _You’ve never been lucky_.

They follow him at different paces, Leia moving quickly and Han taking slow-motion steps. Ben huffs his aggravation and leans against the railing. A few beings drift along the boulevard below, enjoying the evening air. He envies their peace.

“Ben, please. We need to get to the bottom of this. You’re hurt and that’s fair. Because we messed up. We know we did.”

He doesn’t turn, letting his mother speak to the hard expanse of his back. When they left him with Luke, he’d stared at their receding backs, unable to pull his eyes away. In that moment, the sense of abandonment took a nearly physical shape, pushing upon his quaking shoulders.

“Yes, you did. And now I’m darker, more grotesque than you thought possible.” Before he can stop himself, gravity pulls heavy rolling tears from his eyes. He attempts to stop the flow with palms pressed to his face but the pressure does nothing.

The voice returns and shudders through him, its venom threatening to fill each crevice and lesion. Ben can’t fight it. He relinquishes to its power.

With a fluid motion, Han comes close and gruffly takes Ben into his arms in a bruising embrace. To Ben’s astonishment, the sinewy threads of suffering rear back as if stung. Han’s strength flows through his unrelenting grip. Ben feels something peculiar, something he calls _comfort_ and his shoulders ease. 

Now that permission has been granted, Ben breaks down further. He imagines he is a landscape, sculpted by eon and weather. Soon, there will be nothing left of his terrain but sun-bleached bones. 

Leia places a hand on his arm and he grasps at it with trembling fingers.

“Mom, dad…”

They anchor Ben as the hungry emptiness of space pulls at him, the vacuum of nothingness threatening to obliterate him. It wants to unravel his being and consume whatever he clings to most fervently. He thinks of Rey, alone and unmoored. He weeps until he can’t breathe, but he retains himself. _Because of them_. The significance mystifies him.

“We love you,” Leia says, taking his quivering chin into her hand so he can’t escape her gaze. “You are filled with such light, such love, Ben. It has always amazed me. You have struggles, like everyone. And we weren’t there for you when you needed us.” Leia’s voice wobbles as tears race to her jawline. Han purses his lips forcefully, trying to manage the upheaval. 

Ben finds it painful to look at them, to see their sincerity and regret. An exhaustive salty sting invades his wounds. This does nothing to staunch the convulsing flow of his sobs.

Ben nods, mostly to _end it_. It’s gone on too long and his body can’t take much more. He still doesn’t believe them. He can’t even tell if there’s anything left to believe.

* * *

Leia’s body aches. Trying to soothe Ben as a newborn was always a struggle. Trying to soothe Ben as a teenager whose insecurities, fears, and injuries have hardened over time, proves nearly impossible.

She has no idea what happens next. For her relationship with Ben to improve, Leia knows she needs to invest additional time and energy. _And honesty. Maybe it’s time to tell him about Vader_. The thought makes her stomach contort in knots.

Rey’s needs are also extensive. The girl doesn’t yet know about what Ben saw. Leia’s not even sure if she can trust that vision. _What truth can be gleaned from the Force, objectively?_ A contrary argument makes her pause. Or does it provide the singular chance to clutch at the truth? Her feelings about the Force are antipodal, conflicting. It has had little importance in her own life. And yet others live their entire existence by it, entirely devoted and fulfilled.

Leia dismisses the debate and focuses. Though Rey has communicated otherwise, attending Luke’s academy might be a path to controlling her powers and finding meaning. If they are to believe Ben’s vision, the girl has no familial attachments at this point. And if her bond with Ben is as strong as it appears, them being together could be a benefit.

On top of all this, the New Republic has requested her swift return. The Centrists are clamoring for increased planet independence and, to her frustration, are gaining traction. Their desire for a a weakening of the Senate would undo what Leia has worked tirelessly to establish. The work that took her away from Ben to begin with.

And Han. If Leia could have figured one thing out in her life, she would have chosen Han. Perhaps they wouldn’t have separated. Perhaps they could have been there for their child. _We could have experienced the happiness my parents had and Ben could have felt the unwavering adoration I did_.

Leia knows this trail of thinking is self-abuse. Her one way to stop the torment is to shut it out. Rarely does she allow herself to dwell on Bail and Breha, on her beloved homeworld of Alderaan. To dwell means to put herself back in that moment when she watched the planet turn to fire and debris, strewn across an inky void. There is no healing, no accepting and moving on. Only heart-rupturing grief greets her when that particular door stands ajar.

A headache pounds within Leia’s skull, with skittering, lancing pain accentuating each thought.

 _Enough_. Tentatively, Leia peers through around the door into Ben’s old room. The girl sits with a holopad on the bed, engrossed in the act of scrolling. Leia clears her throat softly, causing Rey to glance up.

“It’s dinnertime. Are you hungry?”

Rey pauses. “Yeah, actually. I didn’t even notice until you asked. It’s weird to have the option to eat at will.” She slides off the bed.

“How’s your head?”

“A bit sore, nothing too bad.

Leia smiles. “How was your talk with Ben?”

Rey chews on her lip and shrugs. “I think I understand him a bit better now. And he was nice to me. Even after I called him what I did.”

Leia’s smile fades slightly. “What visions we see during sleep are baffling, at times. I’m glad you’re not holding that against him.” She decides not to push the discussion further quite yet.

Rey tries to squeeze by her to exit the room and Leia gently grasps her arm. 

“You’re safe here. You know that, right?” For all of her years as an orator, someone to persuade, inspire, and educate, Leia struggles with the words.

“Yes,” Rey replies quickly. Too quickly. But Leia lets her pass.

As they walk through the house, Leia hears voices in the dining room and halts mid-step at the sight. Every chair in the house crowds the table. Shoulders are relaxed. Voices are calm and measured. Rey joins the group excitedly as Luke sees Leia and lassoes her over.

She sits beside Luke, who fills her plate, recognizing that she is too stunned by the scene. Leia peers at each pocket of connection, curious and elated. Rey asks questions about Artoo and C-P30 gladly replies. Chewie tells a joke that makes Han choke on his drink while Ben mentally translates the punchline and smiles broadly a moment later. She notes her brother still eats as he did as a young man, impatient and absorbed by the sustenance.

Luke nudges her with the hint of a smirk. “Not bad for a day’s work.” He bites into an indigenous Chandrilan crustacean enthusiastically and the resulting crunch makes Leia almost grimace with disgust. But she recovers, accepting her brother’s table-manners and grinning toward her family.

“If by ‘work’ you mean merely trying to survive an unprecedented amount of emotional strife and psychological stress, then yes. It’s not bad.”

Luke snorts inelegantly and Leia laughs. _This feels good. Everyone here. Sharing food and conversation_. Her eyes cast the room in a warm, watery haze of gratitude.


	8. Chapter 8

Chewie cracks a joke over breakfast and unlike last night, Ben doesn’t understand the punchline. This was always something that irked him; the relationship between his father and uncle. No matter how much he wiggled and pushed, he couldn’t make more room for himself. Their brotherhood, in its strength and resilience, made Ben crave that kind of connection and camaraderie.

He swallows. “Say it again, I didn’t get it.” 

Chewie and Han laugh even harder.

Rey meets his eyes across the table and shrugs. “It didn’t make sense to me, either.” She plops more oatmeal into her bowl and sprinkles a fistful of honeyed flakes over the surface. _How does Rey understand Shyriiwook_? He considers asking but finds the attraction of fresh pancakes to be more pressing.

Han, Ben, Rey, and Chewie sit around the dining table, the sun well on its way to reaching apex. Both Leia and Luke disappeared early, one to deal with Senate demands and the other to meditate near Lake Hanna, at his favorite spot in all of Chandrila. Ben enjoys the current company more than he would admit out loud.

The night before had been surprisingly restful with only a murmur of violence implanted amidst the rolling tide of sleep. _Maybe something about this place, these people, pushes back the dark_? He adds the query to his ever-expanding list of questions.

“So, Ben, how would you like to fly the _Falcon_ this morning?”

Ben blinks several times and considers pinching himself. _Did I unknowingly fall back to sleep? It’s not like I haven’t had that dream before. But doesn’t it always end the same? Choking smoke and twisted durasteel, me the lone survivor_? He shudders and tries to dislodge the splintered image. Jerking his head up, Ben realizes silence commands the space, waiting for him to break it.

“Uh, can you repeat that?” 

Han takes a sip of caf to hide his grin. “You heard me. It’s time I teach my son a thing or two about piloting. Though I know you already have quite the knack for it.” Han’s eyes shift in the light taking on a hint of something odd. _Is he actually proud of me_?

“Rrrrhhwwwg!”

An abashed, giddy flush races across Ben’s face and leaps onto his ears. He smiles shyly. “Thanks, Uncle Chewie. Yeah, I’d like that.”

Rey tears a focused gaze away from her food, eyes alight with interest. “Can I come, too?”

“Of course. We’ve fit more people than that in there before,” Han replies.

At once, the image of it being the three of them vanishes and he must suppress his tinge of disappointment. _So much for that_. 

He consciously shovels food into his mouth. Though he genuinely likes Rey, _as much as a six-year-old can be liked_ , the missed opportunity of spending real quality time with his uncle and father squeezes his heart uncomfortably. Still, he’ll take it over nothing. 

“We’ll meet you there. Better clean the ship up a bit…” Han gives Chewie a pointed look and they stand. Ben concludes they made a late-night mess Han would rather not show off. “She’s at the eastern landing pad, Ben. You won’t be able to miss her.” Han lays a heavy hand on Ben’s shoulder and they depart.

Rey doesn’t make eye contact with him and he understands why. The previous day had an excess of intensity, especially considering they had met that morning. But Ben’s curiosity about their situation and the possible meaning behind it makes him bolder.

“Did you have any nightmares last night?” he asks, dolloping more flounut butter onto the pancakes.

Rey takes another hurried bite and shakes her head no. “You?” Still, she averts her eyes.

“Not really. It was actually pretty unusual. I can’t remember the last time I slept so well.”

“Maybe it was the whiskey I saw Han sneaking to you after dinner.” Now she looks up, eyes teasing.

Ben laughs, then freezes, startled by the sound. “Maybe.” _Or maybe it was something else_.

“Have you flown the _Falcon_ before?”

The question is innocent and straightforward. But Ben finds it difficult to stifle the rush of emotions currently surfacing. He clears his throat and drinks deeply from his muja fruit juice.

“Not for a long time. And not without my dad’s intense supervision. He’s a laid back guy until it comes to other people taking control of his ship.”

“But he knows you’re good at flying.”

Ben grimaces, unsure of how to respond. “I suppose he could tell I took to it well.”

“Why are you embarrassed?” Her fork rests on the plate for probably the first time all meal. Ben stiffens and takes another hasty bite. 

The sole response he can muster is a dismissive shrug of his shoulders. Rey stares at him but doesn’t press. She seemed to have attuned to his feelings immediately upon meeting him, which further points to some kind of deep connection. But this means he won’t be able to hide much from her. Even more startling is the realization that maybe he doesn’t want to.

* * *

They leave a message for Leia and head out the door, Rey working hard to keep up with Ben. 

“Can you slow down?” she yelps, already several steps behind.

He whirls around. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.” His cheeks turn ruddy as he waits.

“It’s okay. I’m excited, too. I like to spend time on that ship. It’s… comfy.” She smiles as they begin to walk at a slower pace.

“My father sure thinks so. He was more often found in the _Falcon_ than in our house when I was younger. I always felt so safe back then that I fell asleep all the time on the _Falcon_ , listening to my dad work.”

Ben finds his voice quivering but he continues. “The last time I was on the ship was when they dropped me with Luke."

His hands submerge in his pockets as Rey glances at him. “What is it like? At the Jedi academy?”

The question knocks him off-guard. “Uhhh, well-” he stammers, clears his throat. “It’s pretty boring. There are other students but none of them are very friendly. Except for Tai. Luke is distant and strict. He doesn’t seem at all like the guy my parents used to describe; funny, kind, open.” Ben darts a look at her. She senses the worry that he over-shared.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell.” Something about the expression tells her Ben believes the promise. She gestures him on.

“There’s not much else to say. I didn’t want to go, I don’t want to stay. The one thing I kind of like is going on missions with Luke. At least those are breaks from boredom and isolation. When it’s Luke and me on a mission and no one else…” His voice breaks and Rey glances at him. “That’s the only time he really talks to me. I guess otherwise he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s showing favoritism,” Ben says, scorn rippling in his voice.

Rey musters her best attempt at a sympathetic look. “I know about the isolation part. But not the boredom. Not much time to get bored on Jakku. Always having to work for food and water.” She hopes it doesn’t sound like complaining.

Ben stops walking to look at her. “I”m sorry. That sounds a lot worse than what I’m whining about.”

Rey’s mouth opens but she hasn’t prepared any words. She closes it slowly and inclines her head. _No one ever apologizes. For anything. Especially not for things they haven’t even done_. They resume walking.

Ben sees the _Millenium Falcon_ before she does. It’s battered and scathed, as it was before, but to Ben, it seems to look glorious. He dashes toward it and Rey follows, swept up by his shining elation. A tangible euphoria pours from him that she would have imagined impossible. _He completely transforms when he’s happy_. And it’s contagious. 

Rey smiles even wider as Han and Chewie bound down the boarding ramp. 

“What do you think? Except for a few new dings here and there from those kriffing thieves, she’s as magnificent as the last time you saw her, right?” Han asks without any irony or humor. Chewie bellows his pride. 

Ben nods, lips pressed together as if trying to contain all of his fountaining emotions. Rey watches as they circle the ship, inspecting and discussing at length. She stays at a distance while still listening eager to their mechanical discussions.

They eventually board and Ben takes the pilot’s seat with hesitant steps. Though she can’t understand how it’s possible, she feels Ben’s lapping waves of worry, that _this isn’t real_. A heavy snaking trepidation coils around him. Rey can’t stand it.

She pushes forward and places a hand on his arm. “Ben, are you okay?”

The touch makes him jump. His eyes lock onto the control panel, veiled by memories. “Yeah.” He comes back to the present and grins at her. “I will be.”

He slides into the chair and Han sits next to him. Chewie and Rey seat themselves behind. She wonders what it will be like to one day fly her own ship. 

As Ben takes off, the ship fills with whoops and hollers at various pitches. Something stirs in Rey, a relishing of such unique and effortless contentment. Just as effortless is their arc across the golden spread of sky.

* * *

Ben guides the ship from the inky black of space back into the cobalt pigment of Chandrila. The boy beams like he’s five and Han sees him once more, sitting on Chewie’s lap and mashing the control panel with glee. _I wish we had done this years ago_.

During the trip Han has forcefully kept his mouth shut. Each impulse to suggest, correct, or cajole dies on his tongue with fierce intention. It takes effort, but it’s nothing compared to how many times he had to utilize the tactic when navigating a fight with Leia. Or Qi’ra. Or Lando, for that matter. Chewie to a much lesser extent. _Sometimes silence is the best way to deal with a tense situation_. Han wonders briefly if that is something Luke once said.

Not that this is tense in the slightest. In fact, the ship fills with happiness from girl to Wookie. Slicing through the clouds and glimpsing space, Han gazes at his son and almost chokes out a sob and has to look away. _This is what I’ve always imagined. This is where he was always meant to be_. Of course, Han knows these are selfish thoughts. Leia always argued for what she felt was best for Ben, not Han.

“Great job, son,” Han says, darting a glance at Ben. Anything more would invite a torrent of tears and he can’t invest any such energy right now. 

“Rhwwg!” Chewie adds with enthusiasm.

Ben doesn’t look over but Han can see the concentrated blood staining his cheek and ear. Leia always said that Ben needed praise to feel more confident, though Han often struggled to make it sound sincere. _I wonder how often Luke praises him_? 

From the corner of his eye, Han detects a sheepish look on Ben’s face. Rey darts between them to watch the landing. It’s surprisingly smooth for his first attempt and Ben spares a smile.

“That was amazing! I can’t believe you’ve never flown before!” Rey says, jumping up and down repeatedly.

“I told you he was a natural!” Han adds. 

As they disembark the ship, Han rests a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “I’m sorry we didn’t do that sooner.” His statement shatters the air. Each word mimics a pebble that sinks heavily to the ocean floor and Ben flinches. Han can’t tell if it’s from the words or the touch, maybe both. He regrets the somber turn at once. 

Clearing his throat, Han tries to recover. “I have an idea for dinner. You two go on ahead and Chewie and I will get the supplies.” 

Properly distracting, a look of wonder claims Ben’s face. He’s apparently confounded by the notion that Han would actually go shopping for food. 

“Do you mean you’re going to _cook dinner_?” 

“Your surprise is offensive, son. But also… No, I think I’ll leave the preparing to C-3P0. That droid needs to earn his keep.” Han smirks, though at this point in his life he doesn’t know why. It’s become a facial twitch that he seems to have but partial control over.

“Okay, we’ll see you later!” Rey calls as she sets off down the boulevard. Ben stares at Han a little longer, then nods and sprints to catch up with her. The pure joy in his step makes Han’s heart clench. 

“Chewie, I’m really glad he came.” The growl of agreement rumbles the air and Han sniffles. When Chewie affectionately hits his arm and walks to the market, Han grimaces. “Hey! I was having a moment!”

* * *

“That was amazing. It was the quietest my head has been in a long time. No voices, no threat of invasion. My head was... Calm. It was better than any meditation I can imagine.” 

He’s uninhibited and loose, releasing laughs, even bouncing as he walks. If anyone else was around he’d be self-conscious. But with Rey, he feels no concerns about being judged. He is uncharacteristically relaxed, satisfied, and happy. Though it’s a shocking mixture of positive feelings, Ben refuses to analyze it.

Instead, he skips ahead and backward, feeling his limbs inhabiting the space of his childhood home. _I’m actually happy I came_. It’s better than he though tit possibly could be. 

Rey gives a toothy grin. “That’s good. You deserve that.” She bounds to him and they almost start a game of tag, darting around each other. She laughs loudly and it's the first time Ben has heard the sound. It escalates his smile.

She stops suddenly as if his words took a while to catch up with her. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘voices’?”

Ben’s mood sours a bit. “Oh, well, nothing really. Some.... words, images that float around my head.” Uncertainty crests and he stills, not knowing or wanting to say more. Shame returns forcefully, as if affronted that he’d ever dare to feel anything else. 

_Make it seem normal. Don’t worry her_. “Don’t you hear voices in your head?” It comes out less accusatory and more insecure, curious.

Rey purses her lips and furrows her brow, the epitome of lost in thought. Ben feels the tug of a smile but resists it. After a couple of seconds, she raises her eyes to his.

“I suppose. But it’s only one. And I think it’s mine.”

He envies the statement.

“Ben, what do the voices say?”

Rey’s voice is soft, troubled. The look she gives him provokes a sea change that he has no power to counter. A spontaneous howling pain jars him.

 _This should not be happening. I want to go back to the_ Falcon _. I don’t want to talk about this_. 

Ben crumples to the cobbled street and grits his teeth. No one has ever asked about the voices, not really. Even when he would run to his parents in need of warriors to keep the darkness at bay, they would tell him _it will pass, don’t worry. They’re not real._.

He’d desperately wanted to believe them. That they would fade and no longer cut him along the sensitive ravines of his being. But by the time he reached ten, he had resigned himself to the ghastly occupiers, his lifetime of mental invasion. 

The breaking point comes into view and Ben doesn’t know how to stop barreling toward it.

Rey crouches beside him and places a hand on his back. For the first time since arriving here, he doesn’t recoil from a touch. For the first time in years, he lets someone console him. _Strange for it to be this kid and not my parents. Or maybe not so strange_...

No tears slip from him but he breathes erratically. With each swishing motion Rey traces on his back, Ben imagines himself practicing his lightsaber forms; steadying, slow, and deliberate in their flow. He gradually begins to settle. It takes several minutes before he can look at Rey.

“I’m sorry. You were so happy and I made you so sad,” Rey says quietly, removing her hand.

He tilts his head in disbelief. “You cared enough to ask. It’s… odd. No one ever asked. So I stopped talking about it.”

“How do you stand them? What do they say?”

A sharp inhale makes him lightheaded. “I don’t. Not really. They’re getting worse. Or they were, before coming here.” He pauses, not wanting to confess the vile things that mark and mar his mind. But her energy is insistent. “It’s that… I’m not worthy of affection. That I’m utter darkness, devoid of hope. That all I do and will ever do is disappoint the people I love.” Tears rupture his face as he speaks the words.

“I have known you a day. But I can tell none of that is true. Ben,” she whispers and lowers her face to his. “We have to do something about this. You can’t live this way.”

“I’m used to it.” He sniffs. With a painfully sudden and damaging fervor, the voice is there.

 **You are pathetic. Letting this child comfort you while you cry**.

Its tone slices Ben’s already flayed skin without resistance. He hisses, grabbing his head and falling inward in an attempt to consolidate his entire form. Having almost forgotten where he is and who is with him, Ben jolts violently as Rey grabs his head. She forces him to face her, despite the magnetic pull of collapse.

“Ben.” The word extends to him and he snatches at it wildly, desperate for something to drag him out of the chasm. Rey is rooted and centered. He feels her sharing this with him and each thrashing part of him begins to relax.

“We’ll get through this. I’ll help you.”

And amidst the aftershocks of the upheaval, he believes her.


	9. Chapter 9

Luke finds Rey on the balcony, engrossed in the holopad. The look of focus is impressive for someone this young. He wonders where she had to learn that skill. _Probably necessary to survive on Jakku_.

He doesn’t know much about her life there, not having had a chance to ask Han. But he can sense the weariness, the vacancy of childhood joy. Whatever she has gone through, she wears the experiences like armor. _From desert to the Jedi path. Her journey mimics my own. I hope she will embrace this fate and resist it less than I did_.

She absently pulls from a plate piled high with snacks. Before each bite, however, she seems to become hyper-aware of the edible thing in her hand. She looks at it with childlike reverence, a gratitude that’s remarkable. He feels a fondness growing inside him, much unlike how he feels toward other Force-sensitive youth. 

Afternoon light sets the space aglow. He’s glad to be back on Chandrila. It holds exhilarated post-war memories, a time that made more sense and everything seemed to fit together well. A parade of voices echo along the boulevard below and bring Luke back to himself. He raises his voice enough to catch her attention over the din.

“Sounds like you had an exciting morning.” He adopts a casual smile, hoping not to scare her off. She flits her eyes to him and he detects an unexpected level of suspicion. _This might be more challenging than I anticipated. Still, how could it be harder than trying to win over Ben_?

“Yeah, it was fun.” She looks back down at the holopad pointedly.

 _Her walls are heavily fortified. What caused this level of defense in a six-year-old?_ He sits and leans back, leisurely observing their surroundings. Rey darts another glance but stays silent.

“How was Ben? In the _Falcon_ , I mean?”

She lowers the holopad reluctantly and stares at him. “He was happy.” Rey’s aggravation still stumps him. He decides to press on.

“I haven’t seen him happy very often.”

“I wonder why,” she grumbles, face buried in the holopad once more. Luke rejects his impulse to sigh.

“Has he talked to you? About life at the academy?” He hopes it sounds merely conversational.

“Yeah. He hates it.” An expression washes over her face as she considers if that was a breach of Ben’s confidence.

He releases the previously repressed sigh. “I know he does. I wish I could make it better for him. I’ve done everything I can think of to improve the situation.”

“Except letting him leave,” Rey replies.

“I don’t think that would be the best option for the boy. He struggles with anger, as you’ve seen yourself.”

“Who doesn’t?” Her furrowed brow is almost comical. 

“Fair point, to a degree. Some find success in regulating that beast. Look at Han. He used to be a lot worse than he is now.” He hopes to garner a smile from Rey but fails.

Luke pauses at length, crafting his next words deliberately. Though they only met the previous day, Ben and Rey share something unique that could be helpful to the situation. It could also turn everything upside down.

He can’t tell when his need to control became a defining characteristic. As a child, Luke remembers his Uncle Owen growing impatient with Luke’s lackadaisical temperament. It wasn’t until he began training on Dagobah, he thinks, that he developed a deep yearning to smooth out, make simpler, coordinate the path of balance. To weigh all of the variables and manage each component. _Because I knew best_. He grimaces.

The idea that he has any such control, of course, is the most extravagant hubris. Yoda would advise that be his highest priority of attention. _Many a dangerous path your need to control will set you upon_. Luke almost smirks at the presumed bit of Yoda wisdom.

Still, releasing it is a hurdle he has yet to overcome entirely. He has often thought that is why the Force sent Ben as his padawan. _The protege always challenges the master in the most precise and exacting ways_. He must have read that somewhere but he was never good at remembering such details.

The minutes pile up without anyone talking. Rey continues her holopad study. Luke brings his hands together in his lap and straightens in the chair.

“I think Force-users, especially someone like Ben, need structure and discipline. For Ben, the Force comes easily, but that means he must learn the ways of balance all the more. As much as he may dislike the academy, it’s the best place for him.”

Rey drops the holopad and glares at him. The ferocity of it takes him aback. “You’re wrong. He hears voices that tell him horrible things. He feels alone. The darkside is dragging him away and you don’t even notice.”

“The darkside tempts us all.” Some of her words strike him as she intended, others roll off his back. _She is the least timid six-year-old I’ve ever encountered_. He tilts his head. “What voices?”

Another sharp look shoots his way and she refuses to say more.

“I think he could use another friend at the academy. And you two seem to have a connection. I know he would appreciate it if you came back with us.”

The words are out, for better or worse. Luke braces himself as her eyes flash fire. _Just add it to the list of sentences I’ve uttered that worked directly against my stated objective_.

“No. I don’t think I’d like the academy.” She glowers.

His attempt to persuade the kid has entirely backfired. Luke frowns and retraces his conversational steps. _Perhaps there’s a different approach I could take_? Luke waits another beat.

“Maybe exploring your Force sensitivity could provide ways to find your parents. You won’t know unless you explore it.” At once he realizes it’s a cheap tactic. Her parents are the single most important thing to her. Using that knowledge to manipulate this child causes a flare of self-directed disgust.

Rey looks sad and angry all at once. It’s an expression Luke knows well from Ben. _These two are intertwined and yet she refuses to let me help them understand it_.

As they stare at each other, Leia arrives on the balcony. When she notices the charged energy slinking around them she comes to an abrupt halt. “What’s going on?”

“He’s trying to get me to come to the academy with him.” Rey’s voice hardens.

“Luke! We agreed it’s her choice and we will respect whatever that choice is.”

Luke stands, properly chastised. Leia has always had the ability to put him in his place better than anyone else. _She makes me feel like a clueless teenager_. He wipes his face in exasperation.

“I had to keep trying. I sense great power and importance surrounding her, Leia. Whether that is from Rey herself or her connection with Ben, I need to know.” 

A silence chisels itself into the dense air. 

He glances apologetically at Rey. She doesn’t meet his eyes.

Leia shoos him away with a withering glare and he has never felt less like a Jedi Master in his whole life.

* * *

“Rey, I’m sorry about my brother. He can be single-minded sometimes. He forgets to consider how his actions actually affect people.” Leia sits beside Rey at the table. Despite the interaction, she relishes the afternoon warmth.

Across from her, Rey picks up the holopad and doesn’t look at Leia. She can tell the girl is hurt, knows the pain of people expecting you to do something you don’t want to. Leia breathes deeply, trying to find words.

“Han is in the kitchen directing C-3P0 how to make Ben’s favorite meal. Not that C-3P0 could forget. Beyond being the most scrupulous droid I’ve ever encountered, he made it frequently when Ben was young. It was an easy mood-adjuster that we probably over-utilized as overwhelmed parents.” A chuckle fills her torso.

“What kind of food?”

“It’s a recipe that I always loved as a child. Ben takes after me…” She smiles wistfully, a rare chance to enjoy in front of someone else. “It’s Alderaan stew with kebroot. I made sure that Han knew to hold the ruica.” Leia makes a disgusted face, and though Rey doesn’t know the distasteful leafy vegetable referenced, she laughs nonetheless. That relaxes the girl. “And after dinner, we’ll enjoy a round of mocoa. I have fond recollections of that sweet drink.”

She feels herself grow distant again, this time with reminiscing about her pathfinding experiences. They are wedged between her Day of Demand and meeting the man who stole everything about her life up to that point. _Memories sting less with time but never truly fade_.

Rey makes a throaty noise and Leia turns back to her. “Leia, I won’t go to the academy. My mind’s made up.”

“I know, dear. We’ve made it clear to Luke, finally. Now Ben needs to know.” Leia thinks of Ben’s smiling from earlier that day. “He told me how kind you were today. How supportive.” Leia’s eyes mist and she inhales. “I have never known such a wise and compassionate child. You are a wonder, Rey.”

The girl’s cheeks shift pink. “I did what anyone would do... Was being nice, that’s all,” Rey mumbles into her chest. 

“Actually, not many people have shown Ben the comfort he needs. Including me.” She shakes her head. “You did something no one has if I’m being honest. Made him feel safe.” 

Rey’s eyes expand and her mouth opens. Leia has said too much. _She’s a child, don’t burden her with the struggles of a teenager touched by darkness_.  
She rushes to add, “But he is nearing adulthood and he is not anyone’s responsibility. He must learn how to communicate his needs so others can meet them. Without relying on a mystical Force bond.” Leia smiles kindly at Rey, hoping the girl doesn’t further misunderstand. 

The brown eyes flicker with more emotions that Leia can track. Rey doesn’t move to speak. Leia continues. “Luke decided they will be leaving tomorrow. We should tell Ben tonight. I don’t want Luke to bring that news.”

“Why can’t he stay?” Rey’s small voice dies in the short gap between them and Leia nearly chokes on the rush of feeling.

Leia’s head goes side to side, eyes closed, an automatic and unthinking response. _We made our decision. We can’t undo it. There’s no going back, only forward_. 

“This is what he needs, Rey.”

Leia rushes inside before she crumbles under the weight of Rey’s visceral disillusionment.

* * *

Rey follows Ben’s laugh as it escapes the kitchen. Luke and Leia disappeared, probably to discuss whatever it is they need to discuss together. Rey is glad they’re gone, her feelings of outrage boiling at both of them.

Out of three whole guardians, at least Ben has Han. 

The kitchen cannot contain them. See-3P0 looks more frazzled than Rey thought a droid was capable. Han keeps giving directions over his shoulder in an excited, albeit slightly slurred, way. Ben keeps floating various ingredients over to the droid, per Han’s instructions. Each one hovers barely out of C-3P0’s reach and Ben grins mischievously.

“I don’t need the chremu spice, Master Ben,” C-3P0 huffs. “The recipe from Senator Organa has _never_ included chremu. It is the recipe I have made more than any of you and thereby am the expert here. Now _please_ , leave the kitchen or else this will never get done!”

The droid’s voice is clipped and impatient. She imagines if his face could change to match his feelings, it would be dripping with disdain for the childish antics. Rey grins.

Han laughs loudly. “You think I don’t know how to make my family’s favorite meal?”

Ben notices Rey and jerks his head to say, _This is ridiculous and I’m enjoying it entirely_. Rey fully enters the room.

“Yes, that is precisely what I think. Now exit the vicinity or I shall include ruica in the stew and say it was your suggestion.”

Han being scolded by a droid makes Rey burst into laughter. She’s impressed by the droid’s tone, having already noticed how informal, almost familial, they are together. They stare at each other as Han processes his options. 

Han looks worried for a moment, then relaxes. “Naw, you can’t lie, Threepio.” 

“I have been known to surprise humans before, Master Solo,” C-3P0 says slowly.

Han backs away. “Okay, okay. We’ll get out of your hair- your wires. Whatever.” Han shrugs and leads them out of the kitchen. Ben releases the captive container of spice and it falls gently onto the countertop. They hear C-3P0 huff one last time.

Chewie naps on the couch, apparently unperturbed by the raucous nature of his friend and nephew. Then they join him and the Wookie grumbles. Rey takes a seat across from the couch, watching Ben, Han, and Chewie try to fit on the couch. She can’t help smiling.

Ben catches her eyes and his gaze shifts at once. There’s something stitched to his energy she can’t put her finger on, something he keeps hidden. It’s the first time she has encountered something she can’t feel within him.

“We’re leaving tomorrow. I think it’s too soon but Luke said it’s time.” Ben drops his head and Han sidles closer.

“You’ll come again soon. And we will come to you. It won’t be this long again. I won’t let it be.”

Ben nods appreciatively but Rey can tell doesn’t completely believe him. She sees his shoulder raise in anticipation. His head lurches up.

“Will you come, Rey? To the academy? I still haven’t even seen you use the Force.” Hope and sureness entwine in the slivers of his irises, each one ready to shatter or fuse together.

Rey sucks in a breath, unnerved it came up this quickly. _I thought I had more time. To think of the words. To enjoy this time with these people_.

“Ben, I can’t go to the academy. I _won’t_ go.” 

He winces as if struck. His mouth hangs open and his fists clench. She hates everything about his expression. _Did he really think I would go when it’s not my world and I still haven’t found my parents_?

“What?” he chokes out at last. Ben’s voice reeks of disbelief and dejection. Rey feels sharp tingles at the corners of her eyes.

“I don’t want that life, don’t want to be a Jedi. I just want to find my family. I told you that.”

“But you also said you’d… help me.” His tone sends waves of heat down her arms and back. When he looks at her, the sense of betrayal sears the air. She recoils.

“I tried. They won’t let you stay. I’m… sorry.” Waves of roiling agony assault her. _He thinks I lied to him. Like everyone else his whole life. He thought I could save him_. Tears collect along her lashes, then spill down her cheeks.

Ben stands and the floor ripples dangerously.

“Ben,” Han says roughly, a warning or a plea. “We can talk about this.” 

Chewie tries to say something but Ben slams his arms out wide. Everyone falls to their feet at the energy burst. The look of growing horror on Han’s face raises Rey’s hackles.

“No! Despite everything-” he stammers, at a loss. “I thought… I thought coming here would change things. Would make things better. That I wouldn’t be alone anymore.” Chest heaving with breath, Ben won’t stay still. A vicious prolonged tremble races up and down his body. His eyes are wild and wretched. “How can I go back? How can you make me go back?”

Ben's words become muffled by his palms as fingernails press into his heavy brow. Han jumps up and grabs his son, trying to soothe and de-escalate. Chewie is on his feet as well, murmuring softly. Ben shoves them away with more than physical strength.

Rey wants to be somewhere else. She’d even take being back with Plutt. At least then she wouldn’t be responsible for thoroughly hurting this kind boy.

Ben, her one friend in the galaxy, she realizes with a jolt.

“Like your dad said, we’ll come visit.” It’s a pathetic thing to say and she hates herself for it. _Why can’t I find the right thing to say? Isn’t there something he can hold onto_? 

“Don’t.” His look is lashed open, a deep hurt flowing forth. His fractured gaze delivers painful words into her mind; _Don’t come. That will only make it worse_.

* * *

Remorse festers in the house. It’s everywhere. Leia holds her knees on the balcony. Han drinks at the dining room table. See-3P0 stays silent as he finishes up the stew that no one will have an appetite for.

Chewie cradles Rey as she sobs.

Ben is gone. Luke told them it was for the best, that Ben would come around after some time meditating in his old routine. Luke had convinced himself of it but no one else was swayed.

_“Too many highs and lows for him. He needs to find his equilibrium.”_

Rey chokes on Luke’s patronizing words. _He doesn't’ understand Ben at all. He never will_.

And part of her worries she won’t see him again for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, so much angst... 
> 
> Prepare for a time jump ^gnaws on fingernails anxiously^


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I've been really depressed this week, with little idea why. It's astounding I've been able to write at all. I'm going to post this chapter but I can't tell if it's any good. In fact, I don't feel confident I can even do the story justice anymore. I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor so hopefully, I will be in a better mental place soon. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this far. It means so much to me.

“Mistress Rey, it’s time for your galactic history lesson.” 

She doesn’t spare him a glance. Instead, Rey rolls her eyes and focuses on her holopad, swishing through various ship specs and custom builds. See-3P0 remains in the doorway. _Ever the patient companion_ , Rey thinks wryly.

She sprawls on the couch by the window letting the afternoon sunlight cover her entirely. It was the most relaxed she’d been all day. Now, C-3P0 looks at her with such _expectation_ it’s irritating. Rey sends a pillow sailing through the air at him. As expected, the droid is unperturbed.

“You have missed galactic history too many times this week. Senator Organa is concerned you’re falling behind.”

“Learning about the history of the galaxy is not a priority of mine.” She sits up nevertheless, too tired to argue. It’s moments like these she wishes she could be running jobs across the galaxy with Han and Chewie. Or practicing sabers with Ben. 

It’s been two years since he and Luke left Chandrila. There had been no time to say goodbye to her friend. She was left with that last mental plea to _not make things worse_. Though lonely, she had done her best.

“Are you thinking about Master Ben?” C-3P0’s voice is surprisingly soft. Rey whips around to look at him.

“How can you tell?” She’s amazed she doesn’t try to refute his question.

“Your eyes take on a look that I have been programmed to recognize as _wistful_. I have noticed this expression frequently on your face since Senator Organa mentioned going to see the padawan and Master Luke.”

“How can you know so much about humans and yet understand them so little?” Rey huffs her way across the room. “Let’s get this over with.”

See-3P0 inclines his head, which Rey knows is his way of recognizing and overlooking her snark. He has always been extra respectful with her. There’s a momentary impulse to question why she never hears the retorts he gives to others. But it passes.

“When does Leia return home?”

“She has not sent an update. I will prepare enough dinner for you both, with the hope that she will join you.”

Rey sighs. “She’s so busy all the time. How can we possibly go on a trip to see Ben and Luke?”

If C-3P0 were a human, he would shrug. In lieu of that gesture, the droid pauses, then trudges to the study in his stilted, awkward way. With nothing else to do, Rey follows.

The apartment they live in on Hosnian Prime depresses her. The place has austere decor, minimal furnishings, and therefore entirely lacks a feeling of comfort. She misses the old house and Hanna City itself, which is unexpected. She misses those few days when everyone was together. And though there had been so much pain there, intense joy blossomed within those walls, too.

Leia holds enough wealth to retain multiple residences and this still astounds Rey. After two years, she has not quite adjusted to the level of advantage and ease of this life. The excess of time, surplus of food, and demand to constantly be a _student_ leaves Rey chomping at the bit for freedom.

No matter how many times Han offers and Rey begs, she is forbidden from joining the smuggler. “It’s not a safe line of work,” Leia always says, her voice admonishing. Rey knows Leia wants to add _Not even for Han_.

Every few days she allows herself to imagine Ben’s life, the structure and monotony he described, the isolation. Sometimes she wonders if she made the wrong choice not going with him. Staying with Leia feels pretty futile considering they’ve made no progress finding her parents. 

To her dismay, Rey also thinks about what would have happened if she had stayed on Jakku. _Would they have come to find me? Or would I be utterly alone_?

A tight rope of guilt seems to perpetually constrain her thoughts. Each path she chose not to take winds its _what ifs_ around her until she feels nearly strangled. And it hasn’t improved with time.

 _Maybe Ben feels this, too_. She misses him.

Rey saw him once, as Leia checked in with him. Ben looked older, exhausted. The holovid was grainy but she could discern his sadness. Craning around the doorframe, uncertain if she wanted to make herself fully seen, Rey watched their interaction. When he noticed her a shadow skidded across him. She ran away before he could say anything.

It’s a harsh knowledge that Rey living here cannot be defended or justified. It’s wrong and unfair. It makes her want to stomp and scream. It should be Ben living with his mother, learning about politics, and fair governance. He should be the one learning how to use the Force from Leia, not Rey. And if not that option, then he should be working alongside his father and uncle Chewie. Instead, she has seemingly taken his place.

The history topic for today piques her interest more than usual: the Battle of Jakku. She knows about this incident, at least generally, having lived on the planet. Reading such detailed descriptions of the battle itself makes her think of all the life that once filled those decrepit, empty ships she stripped for parts.

Though she can’t explain why, she knows this battle took place the year Ben was born, 5 ABY. How there could be such death and destruction when life also sparks. _What coincided with the year I was born_? Her face falls when she realizes she’ll probably never find out. That would require knowing her birthday.

Han told her how ancient Ben’s eyes looked when he was a baby, the amount of hope this tiny human carried. The anecdote clings to her. _What if that was the first burden Ben sensed, a weight he felt he never could live up to? A dream he felt he could never realize for those he loves_?

Rey has her own burdens. They are cumbersome and unrelenting in their discomfort. She shouldn’t want so desperately to help him carry his. And yet, she does.

* * *

Leia dreads this trip. It has been a long time coming, she knows. To avoid it anymore would bring disaster, which she also knows. But when she thinks of it she recalls that last call with Ben, when he barely looked at her. The tone of his voice rippled with betrayal.

 _How did I let it get this bad? How have I failed him again_?

At her desk, Leia massages her temples, trying to combat the oncoming headache. With the pressure comes flashes of her recent nightmare, cold and biting. The ricocheting sinister voice of Vader and smoky smears of his helmet weave themselves together; then, it morphs into a different mask, one accentuated with silver curving lines and threatening blackness. And beneath it, a face she used to study adoringly as he slept.

Leia shudders. The dream, if meant to warn or scare her, has done both. _I will tell Ben about his grandfather. I will stop avoiding my own biological ties to the darkside. I will finally become the parent he has always needed me to be_.

Actually making the decision and committing herself to pursuing this much-avoided encounter wipes layers of dust from her most ignored surfaces. It cleanses immediately. After years of keeping these places shuttered and dark, she’s ready to let in the light.

Rey greets her as Leia enters the apartment. “Long day.”

Leia nods, appreciating that the girl doesn’t ask for more. 

“Dinner’s in the kitchen. I can reheat it, if you’d like.”

“No, that’s alright, I can handle it.” She pauses, feeling the day slough off her in strips of exhaustion. “Rey. We need to set a time to visit Ben. Are you still interested in coming with me?”

The girl has grown inches in the past two years. Her face has lost whatever small amount of roundness it retained from babyhood, even when underfed. Rey's almond eyes remind Leia of her favorite flavored caf when it has a bit of milk swirled into it.

“Yes. I doubt he wants to see me... But I miss him,” Rey says, looking anywhere but at Leia.

“My thoughts exactly. How about we leave tomorrow? I’ve already alerted my staff. They’ll be fine for a few days.”

A small smile rises on Rey’s face, bringing with it a tiny indication of dazzling sunlight and warmth. It’s not the first time Leia has realized how appropriate the girl’s name is. Leia smiles in return.

“Then let’s start packing.”

* * *

Han’s hands shake as they move across the dials and knobs of the _Millenium Falcon_. He thinks back on his trip to visit Ben the previous year. It was strained, painful. To his astonishment, Chewie’s jovial energy also failed to pull the young man from his state of despondency.

The thought makes Han’s eyes sting. To gain some semblance of control, he grits his teeth. The ship jerks with his renewed attention.

“Rhwwg, rhhhggg!”

“What makes you think this time will be any better than last year? Because Leia’s coming too?” Han scowls at the thought and jealousy beads within him. “For once in my life, I wish I could be enough for my son.”

Chewie makes a sympathetic sound. “Rrwh rrrhhgg, rwwwh!”

Han almost smiles. “Yeah, I think Rey coming will help, too.”

They descend through atmo and the landscape details of Yavin 4 come into focus. Or, more accurately, the textured quality of the dense forest sharpens. Han inhales deeply. _There’s no going back_. Han glances at Chewie, who gives an encouraging shake of the head.

When they land near the academy, Han pauses to take in the sight. It’s an imposing structure, all hard lines and cold stone. It demands a reverence, in a way, from the sheer length of the entrance columns and weight of the dense roof. Han tries to imagine for probably the thousandth how Ben felt walking into this building after his parents left him. It makes Han ache with regret.

Man and Wookie pass between the columns finally. Han hopes to see Rey before anyone else. To his pleasure, his wish is granted. The girl spots him from the atrium and dashes over.

“Han!” she yelps. He skillfully catches her when she leaps for a hug.

“Rey, it’s good to see you.” He holds on briefly, appreciating the feeling of a child who adores him. He hasn’t felt it in a long time.

Chewie cheerfully but impatiently grabs at Rey and she squeals.

Leia approaches. “Han. I’m glad you came. I think we all need to be here for this.” A shadow runs the length of Leia’s brow as her cryptic words hang in the air.

He’s about to ask _what in the kriff that’s supposed to mean_ but he’s interrupted.

Luke comes into view and Ben trails behind, eyes cast to the floor. It’s a strange sight that Han doesn’t like.

“You’re all finally here!” Luke embraces Leia enthusiastically. He takes Han’s hand and shakes it with excitement, then does the same with Chewie. Luke looks pleasantly at Rey. “Welcome to the Jedi Praxeum.”

She moves her head stiffly. “Thanks for having me.”

Ben lingers behind Luke and Han tires of waiting. He marches over and grabs Ben gruffly. “Hi, son. I’ve missed you.” Ben, unprepared for the squeeze, remains frozen for a moment. Gradually, the young man sinks into it and Han exhales with relief.

“You too, dad,” Ben says quietly into Han’s shoulder. It’s further muffled by the vest. He doubts anyone else heard it and doesn’t mind in the least.

“Ben,” Leia breathes as they part. Han recognizes the look of regret and pain in Leia’s eyes. They sparkle from the strain of containing tears.

Han impulsively, gently, pushes Ben toward Leia. They both startle but Leia quickly recovers and opens her arms. Ben’s shoulders tenses as he allows the momentum from Han’s push to send him forward. 

Chewie waits at Ben’s elbow, ever the eager uncle. A split second separates Leia’s and Chewie’s hugs. _Poor kid probably hasn’t been hugged like this since Chandrila. It’s good for him_. Han grins boyishly. 

He glances over and notices Rey’s expression is tinged with anxiety. He hopes she won’t shy away from this, knowing how much Ben would appreciate Rey taking the first step to reconcile. _Rey has always had such a streak of bravery_.

When Ben is finally freed from the parade of hugs, he appears slightly lighter. A hint of a smile marks his lips. Han feels impatient to get back to the level of comfort where they’re all joking and relaxing together. But there’s one more hurdle before they get to that point.

Rey steps toward Ben and puts her hand out awkwardly. “Hi, Ben.”

* * *

Ben has to prepare to see his family more than anything else in his life. Being close to them requires more preparation than a full day of saber training, more directed effort than endless hours of meditation. They steal away whatever small reserves of energy he has stored away, to combat the voice and the deepening darkness. _They take so much_. He’s not sure if he has the strength to do it this time.

But the possibility of feeling that joy again has a bizarre ability to outweigh this apprehension. Though he never thought this could true as he left Chandrila, a different knowledge lives within him: he’ll accept the pain if it means they’ll acknowledge him.

Plus, the thought of seeing Rey and exploring their connection ignites his curiosity. She’s only eight and yet he feels a power in her that goes beyond the bewildering and alarming vision he’d had of her back on Chandrila, the one offering information about her parents and lineage. 

And here she is, willful as ever. Rey sticks her hand out. He stifles a full-body convulsion as he locks eyes with her.

She’s taller and her freckles are more apparent. Or maybe it’s the light. He’s surprised that her hair isn’t in the three-bun style. 

“Hi, Rey,” he says softly, taking her hand. He hopes his tone is natural. She looks back at him and he senses happiness, excitement, something decidedly positive. This shouldn’t surprise him, since he did genuinely believe she cared about him. The rejection of coming with him to the academy hurt, nonetheless.

 _Will I tell her what I found out? Or let her continue on a path separate from legacy_? He has debated this extensively. Ben finds the freedom of being ignorant of one’s bloodline to be highly attractive and tempting. It’s a gift he could give her, one that no he could never take credit for but probably wouldn’t care.

In his darkest times, he tends to fall on the side of selfishness, however, that she too should experience the onus of family he has. As he looks at her now he hates himself for wishing such suffering on her. She has already suffered enough.

“Will you give me a tour of the academy?” 

“Of course.” He shoots an inquiring look at Luke.

“Go on. There’s time before dinner.” His uncle offers a rare smile. 

A look passes between the adults that makes him realize that they will stay behind. _Thank goodness_. It will be good to talk without having to censor himself as much.

As they leave the atrium, Ben suddenly feels flustered. “Where should we start? This place actually isn’t very interesting, now that I think about it.”

“That’s okay. We can just walk… and talk. If that’s okay with you?” She peers at him uncertainly.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He guides them east to the meditation temple because it’s likely to be deserted so close to dinner. “How are things with my mother?”

“Fine. She’s a very demanding teacher. Or, C-3P0 is demanding and Leia checks in whenever she can, expecting a lot of completed assignments.” Rey blows a raspberry. “It’s... a lot. I’m glad to be getting a break. But not from the Force lessons. She wants me to keep working on control, no matter where we are in the galaxy.”

Ben freezes at the words. His blood thickens and each heartbeat becoming sluggish. “Do you mean… is she teaching you?” He’d almost be embarrassed by how small his voice sounds. But this is Rey, the last person who would ever judge him.

Her eyes wide with fear, realizing she overspoke. Her fingers twine together as she deliberates what to say. He wants to soothe her, to dispel those feelings. He needs her to know he doesn’t resent her for Han and Leia’s mistakes. 

“I’m sorry. You should be the one she’s teaching. Not me. I’m nobody.” Escaped tears track her face silently. Suddenly, she looks six again, all sadness and fright. Her choice of words ring in his mind. _She’s the least possible nobody I can think of. But I don’t want her to know that. Not yet. Maybe not ever_.

He shakes his head, wants to scream _YOU’RE NOT NOBODY_ , not simply because of her cursed bloodline, but because she is kind, powerful, and thoughtful. He hasn’t known anyone else like her, let alone any kids.

But he doesn’t say anything along those lines, still too scared. Instead, he feels a despicable urge to talk through his other train of thought, the one that’s mangled and rotting. She’s the one person he can think of who would offer something like compassion or even understanding. 

“They feel like they messed up with me. You offer a chance for them to get it right.” Ben scoffs. “I’m so glad I could be their dress rehearsal, working out all of their parenting issues before the real performance.” Utter, heartbreaking grief replaces his scorn. “I don’t know what I could have done to make them love me.” 

Ben keeps the tears in now. He’s gotten better at detaching from them, of pushing himself up just enough to avoid drowning. Perhaps it’s Luke’s doing, this floating above the emotions. A flicker of rage that he has changed himself to suit Luke’s expectations, those of a Jedi, stirs in his belly. He has to change the subject.

“Rey, you deserve love. I’m glad you’re receiving it, though the source sure pisses me off.” As soon as the words leave him, he startles at the phrasing. Rey breaks into a massive smile.

“It pisses me off, too,” she replies rebelliously. 

They stand in comfortable silence. Then, an idea strikes Ben. “Rey, would you like to learn how to use a lightsaber?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, angst, anngggsstttt
> 
> When will it end, you ask? Hopefully soon.

Rey plants her feet firmly per Ben’s instructions. He watches attentively and makes a few small suggestions. She’s at ease, excited. _He’s a good teacher_.

“Shift your right foot out slightly and bend your knees up and down. Do you feel steady?”

Rey bounces repeatedly and nods. “What’s next?”

“Now, you’ll bring your arms up with the saber and inhale deeply.” He demonstrates with his hilt and she follows suit with her practice saber. It’s surprisingly heavy and the cold metal bites into her skin.

“Good. We’ll breathe for several seconds before moving into a swing,” Ben says as he closes his eyes. She’s never seen him so present and focused. After watching him briefly, Rey does the same, letting oxygen fill her lungs to capacity. She imagines Leia’s voice guiding her to cast aside the distractions of the world and clear her mind.

With elbows out and hands layered on the hilt, Rey feels herself both rooted to the ground and light as the evening clouds. Waves of calm flow off of Ben, tendrils of peace she knows are rare. She allows the serenity of the scene to engulf her.

After another beat, Rey senses Ben shifting. Rey matches the swing of his arm smoothly as if their limbs are linked through the air. They exhale as the saber sweeps down and across. Ben looks at her and smiles.

“You’re a natural.” 

Rey beams at him. “Can I hold a real lightsaber now?” 

Ben laughs kindly. “Not quite yet.”

Unperturbed, Rey pushes for more. “Let’s try a different pose.” She places her feet and slices at the air eagerly, baring her teeth as she visualizes tossing aside the kids who used to bully her on Jakku.

“I mean it when I say that expression is absolutely terrifying,” Ben says seriously, then he grins.

“I’ve had to take care of myself, you know. Because Plutt never would,” Rey replies. 

Ben steps forward to place a hand on her shoulder and she startles from her memories. “You’re safe now. And your strength is a true marvel.” 

She searches his face for a sign of condescension and finds none.

“Thanks, Ben. Everyone else treats me like a little kid.” Rey sighs in frustration. “But you don’t.”

He keeps looking at her, tilting his head curiously. Rey’s about to ask _what_ when they hear Luke’s voice calling them to dinner.

“I don’t want to go back. I wish we could stay here and practice sabers all night,” Rey proclaims and slashes the air with her beginner blade.

He chuckles. “Me too. But I am hungry.”

Rey’s stomach grumbles as if on cue. “Oh, right. I guess dinner’s not a bad idea.” She bumps jovially into Ben’s side. “More practice tomorrow?”

“Sounds good to me.”

They fall naturally into step beside each other, her pace lengthening as he shortens his. Something inside her settles gently and a smile creeps across her face. Rey knows she doesn’t want to be anywhere else in the entire galaxy.

* * *

To no one’s surprise, dinner is neither impressive nor worthy of guests. It does the job of filling empty bellies, however. 

They meet in a space separate from the cafeteria for some semblance of privacy _for the sake of everyone_.

Luke purveys the table clustered with loved ones. He can’t tell if too much or too little time has passed for Ben to be with his family. The visit could undo years of work, or it could accelerate his emotional healing. Luke supposes they’ll find out presently.

“Rey learned a basic attack position today. I figured she would want to go straight into the exciting stuff,” Ben says as he glances at Luke. Rey’s eyes glint as she stabs food with a fork.

“You young people are always impatient,” Luke replies and quirks a smile.

Leia, ignoring the flow of conversation, looks at her son. “Ben. I’d like to talk with you about something. The sooner the better, I think.” Leia’s voice carries a deep, gooseflesh-inducing message that Luke notes wearily. _This will be a turning point. I hope he’s ready for it_.

Ben’s energy becomes a roiling shadowed shape, but he manages a nod at his mother. Chewie grumbles from across the table and Han clears his throat.

“How is everything here?”

“Everything is going well. There were some new students who arrived a month ago and they have finally settled. Ben has been a wonderful mentor to a couple of them. And soon, we’ll be heading to Elphrona with Lor Son Tekka. I believe I’ve located a hidden trove of Jedi artifacts.” 

Luke hopes this doesn’t sound as greedy to everyone else as it sounds to his own ears. His desire to collect as many Jedi texts, tools, and relics has not waned with age. He stockpiles these pieces of history because he hopes to preserve all he can of the Jedi philosophy. _And maybe having such items around reminds me of those who have come before_.

Han chuckles. “Have you ever considered you might be a hoarder?” 

Ben snorts, Rey giggles, and Chewie howls. It’s a joke not intended to offend but to loosen whatever tension remains. It works and Luke joins in the laughter.

“I won’t be the last Jedi, Han. There’s got to be something for the youngsters to revere when I’m gone.” Leia cracks a smile at his attempted arrogance.

“Well, whatever the reason, I’m glad Ben is going with you. I know how he loves to see different parts of the galaxy,” Leia says before bringing the spoon up to her mouth.

“I wish you could come with _me_ , kid. We’ve been all over the place recently. Hauling some questionable boxes for questionable people…” Han and Chewie share a mischievous glance. “But it’s good money and even better adventure.”

Luke can’t help but notice how Ben stares at his father. He can almost hear Ben thinking _That’s all I’ve ever wanted_. But there’s a great deal to do before Ben can decide what happens next. He’s not ready to face the galaxy. 

“We have a couple of other trips on the agenda, as well. Don’t worry, Han. I’m keeping him busy.”

Ben’s head drops to take his first bite. A pull from Leia makes Luke look at her, brows furrowed in question. She’s committed to telling Ben the truth tonight. Luke thinks this conversation should have happened years ago when Ben was old enough to understand both Vader as a galactic horror and Anakin as a lost and powerful human. The truth could have helped Ben with many of his residual wounds.

But Leia refused and Han was silent on the subject, deferring to his spouse whether from compassion for her pain or reluctance to counter her. She never fully accepted Anakin as her father, let alone could forgive him for destroying her homeworld and parents. 

Luke found forgiveness much easier. It was part of his path to becoming a Jedi. He hopes this is true for Ben, as well.

* * *

Ben meets them in the sparring field. A crescent moon sits lopsided in the sky as Han and Leia sit on the bench designated for viewers. A breeze tries to pull away from the tendrils of her anxiety. But they are wrapped too tightly for the wind’s gentle fingers.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Be plops onto the ground and Leia realizes that though he’s eighteen, there is a precious youthfulness to him. She wishes she hadn’t missed out on so much of this transition from boy to man. 

“Ben, your father and I love you more than anything. I know we haven’t always made this clear. We have made endless mistakes. I am sorry for that. I see how we have hurt you and it’s my greatest regret.” Her voice cracks.

“If I could go back and be there for you, I would in a heartbeat, son. I thought at the time I was doing my best. But now I see I wasn’t. I gave up too easily. I was too scared to keep trying,” Han says, staring at Ben with an uncomfortable earnestness.

“Yeah, I know all that,” Ben replies, head dropping. 

Leia wants to grab and shake him. _Why won’t you actually hear these words? Why won’t you try to believe us for the first time in your life_? She realizes these thoughts shift the blame from parents to son. Leia shakes her head.

“There’s something we’ve never told you. About your grandfather.

“Who, Anakin?” Ben raises and tilts his head.

“Yes, Anakin Skywalker. He was known by another name throughout the rest of the galaxy.” Han stiffens beside her. _This is the moment. This is when we rip off the bandage. By the stars, may the bleeding be minimal_.

“What was it?” Ben’s curiosity is at its height. He adjusts his newly large body to look up at his parents. _By the Force, I hope this isn’t the moment my son decides to shut me out of his life completely_.

Han rests a hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

“From what I’ve gathered, Anakin encountered a series of challenges that had powerful consequences. Before Luke and I were born, Anakin rejected the light and turned to the dark side. It was a long time coming, or so I’ve been told. But eventually, he gave up on the light, on his family.” She squares her shoulders. “Anakin chose to become Darth Vader.” Her voice sounds stronger than expected but distant. 

The moonlight is faint but illuminates enough of Ben’s face that at first, Leia sees no hint of understanding. His jaw is tensed, rigid. The boy doesn’t breathe. _Did he hear me_?

Then, the world turns sideways. Leia sees stars where before she saw Ben. Swiftly, she hits the ground, and Han collapses beside her. The bench lays several feet away. An acrid taste fills her mouth.

Ben stands nearby, fingers arched and shoulders heaving. The ground beneath his feet blurs and his Padawan braid whips about. Whether it’s through the Force or the physical plane, she sees the blackness of space etching along, throughout, and around. It dances maniacally, lightning scraping at his skin. He doesn’t fight it. He submits to it.

Leia has never seen him like this.

“Ben, we’re here with you. You are stronger than he ever was. Don’t do this. Please come back,” she shrieks.

Han helps her up and they cling to each other. _Maybe it’s just shock. Maybe he just needs a minute to understand…_. Han’s breath catches as their son finally turns.

“All this time, you feared I would become _him_. I never understood it. Could never grasp what you feared about me.” Ben’s voice reaches them in multi-tonal shifts, like rolling through frequencies to achieve a clear sound.

“Now I understand. I see where this darkness came from. Why it festers inside me.” He levels his gaze at them and Leia fears he will send them sprawling again. “You should have told me,” Ben hisses. The cold tone makes her skin crawl. He glowers then stalks out of sight.

The energetic resonance of the air lessens. Leia takes a deep breath while Han runs a hand through his hair. A reassuring chorus of insects begins to trill, announcing a return to normalcy.

 _If only I could do the same_.

* * *

The physical world shifts around him. Light pools where it shouldn’t and darkness clings to everything. Each step feels like he’s sinking into the moist ground of the forest as trees press close and creatures whisper in the midnight gloom. 

Ben can’t stitch thoughts together, can barely breathe. His lungs defy every attempt. He feels feral, unhinged. _Is this how Anakin felt when he turned to the dark side_?

A hidden branch trips him and Ben plummets to the ground. He lays there and fixates on the blinking stars overhead, each one whispering in a language he can’t comprehend.

 _How dare she keep this from me? How dare she make me feel like a monster when her own father was the worst anyone ever imagined_? Anger replaces the shock and sews a thread of violent thoughts, each one propelled by the increasing volume of the voice. Its black pigment spills into Ben and he is awash in its righteous fury. He leaps to his feet and automatically takes an attack position.

 **My boy. This is the truth of your legacy. You are born from darkness and to darkness you will return. You shall take up the mantel of Vader, your grandfather, and complete the journey he was too weak to finish**.

The voice rings loud enough to shake his bones. Ben falls to his knees and gapes at the sky. It is endless in its weight and expanse. The familiar emptiness of it calls out, a pull of purpose beyond his comprehension.

An awful, terrifying wail resounds around him. He trembles, realizing it’s his own voice, renting a hole in the hum of the forest. _This is what everything was hurtling toward. A twisted circle of the Skywalker legacy_.

He is nothing more than this bloodline, nothing but the mistakes, the successes, and the duties of others. _What is the purpose of my life? Why have I been marked for this torment? Why was I made to be this wretched thing_?

There is no hope beyond the knowledge he is born of blood and violence. _They want so much from me, everything that I can’t give them. And yet they all fear me. I was condemned from the start and never had a chance to prove them wrong_.

He wishes there was a world where he could be a nobody.

* * *

Rey couldn’t sleep. The night itself seemed to boil with anger and confusion. She considered seeking Ben out but thought it was better to give him space to discuss whatever private matter with his parents. _It’s not my business, anyway_. 

But seeing Ben this morning makes it clear he had not received the support he most desperately needed.

Han and Leia haven’t shown up yet. Chewie sits beside Rey while Luke brings out bowls for everyone. The table is set with limited options for breakfast but she doesn’t mind in the slightest, having not quite become used to the range of food options and quantities available to the privileged. This simpler meal suits her just fine.

Or it did until Ben came into the room and nearly turned the lights off with his anger.

It doesn’t look like he walks across the room, more that the floor itself folds under his feet, hungry to move him along to his destination. A shiver runs the length of Rey’s spine. To her distress, he notices her shiver as he sits across from her. It’s clear he hasn’t slept either. 

Rey deduces it was a terrible night of crying and screaming. She knows the pain of such endless nights, all alone and breaking into pieces too small to ever fully be recovered. _Why didn’t I go to him_?

Instinctively, she reaches a hand out to touch his wrist. He jolts and turns his hollow eyes on her. At first, no familiarity or fondness lingers there, and his skin is sticky and cold. She pulls back, abashed.

Then his face changes. There’s a split second of shifting as his hand shoots out. _He’s in there. Under all of this shell, he is still Ben_. Her hand scoots across the table once more.

Before they can touch, Leia and Han walk into the room. Ben withdraws so quickly Rey almost doubts his hand was ever there. She purses her lips and stands.

“What happened?” she demands of everyone in attendance. “What is going on?”

Leia’s face has more lines than Rey’s ever seen. The woman looks old and concave, crumbling into herself. Han appears weary but steadier as he looks at Ben.

“We told Ben about his grandfather. We should have done it years ago,” Han explains as he glances at Luke.

“I never wanted it to be true. I thought I could avoid it. I thought it would never have to factor into Ben’s life at all,” Leia whispers, an apology woven into her tone.

Ben stands and his chair clatters backward loudly. “That’s another lie, mother. It factored in from the beginning. You just refused to acknowledge how deeply.” 

His voice sends shockwaves through the Force and Rey reels back from the sensation. _I can’t imagine being stuck inside his body with the full brunt of this. I won’t let him be alone anymore_. 

Everyone’s too numb to react when she circles the table. She stands beside him, grabbing his arm. He looks at her wildly and pulls away while sending her the thought; _”I don’t want to hurt you, Rey. Please don’t come too close.”_

Rey shakes her head and grasps at his hand. “I’m here. I failed to be there for you before. I’m tired of failing.” His expression turns suspicious and she knows the voice is polluting him right now in front of her. It distorts everything. She clutches him harder, protectively, ready to battle the voice herself.

His eyes scream _disbelief_ and Rey wants to cry, to pummel him until he believes she’s _right here_. He rips his hand away and Chewie grumbles a warning.

Ben turns to glare at his parents.

“She’s a Palpatine. I saw it on Chandrila. Her grandfather was the emperor and he killed her parents. His own son and daughter-in-law. She comes from someone just as evil as Darth Vader, if not more. But you never knew the truth about this _perfect child_. You refused to notice her darkness as you refused to acknowledge my light. You never condemned her for her blood. Never so much as sensed her residual darkness.”

At first, Rey doesn’t follow the tirade. _He must be talking about someone else... He wouldn’t say such vicious words with such spite about me. Would he_? Her awareness expands as he continues to lash out.

“You cast me aside because I was too-far-gone, with too much Vader running through my veins. And yet you embraced the granddaughter of the man you fought an entire war against.”

He’s hunched with teeth barred, shooting fury and malice to everyone in attendance. The snarl tears her heart in half. Rey stumbles backward.

“Ben,” Luke begins, placating hands raised as he steps toward his nephew and Ben throws him aside without hesitation. Leia shrieks as Han and Chewie run to help Luke.

Rey knows enough about Palpatine from her history lessons. What Ben has proclaimed makes her skin crawl. But there’s no time to dissect the meaning of this. Despite the searing pain inside her, Rey knows she can get through to him.

“You’re not Vader. You’re not a monster. You are Ben Solo, a man with the most tender heart I’ve ever encountered. A man who feels fiercely and protects passionately. You are my one true friend in the whole galaxy. And I don’t want to lose you.”

Unfelt tears course down her face but she’s too overcome to swipe them away. Just as silently Ben’s tears rush forth, each one falling through space to hit the stone floor. He has locked onto her and she holds him there.

“Please, Ben. We can get through this. We can figure out this mess of grandfathers. I just need you to not hurt anyone.”

Rey feels the adults waiting on pins and needles. Their worry crowds her, their fear that the scene will further descend into violence brings the taste of bile to her throat. At the same time, they all hold onto the belief Rey can save him. She is their last hope.

“Ben, we’ll figure out our path. Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note: Okay, let me say I LOVE Rey Nobody. It’s more empowering, self-directed, and narratively interesting. However, for my overarching goal for story (and to further investigate the parallels between Rey and Ben more than TROS wants to), Rey Palpatine just makes more sense. I made lists for each option and it was actually a difficult decision for a multitude of reasons. Feel free to disagree with me! I love to talk about this stuff :)
> 
> Old Note: I'm feeling a little less depressed. Thank you all for writing comments that buoyed me. Each kind word I tuck away and treasure.
> 
> **The next chapter is a lot. If you need a break (like I did!) I wrote an angst-free modern AU one-shot that helped my mental state quite a bit. It's called Our Place to Be and Ben Solo owns a bookstore ^_^


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I don't know what to say. This is the longest chapter I've ever written and it has really taken a lot out of me (haha). My fluffy fic Our Place to Be, which poured out of me this morning, helped a lot.
> 
> Thank you for sticking through all of this emotional intensity.

Ben can’t walk straight. The sun blares down intently, intending to scour out the shadows. But there are too many shadows for it to disperse.

When he hits the ground a convulsion so demanding takes his body and he vomits.

 _Even after I told her secret, the one she didn’t even know, she stood by me. Promised to be there for me_.

He wipes haphazardly at his mouth and tries to stand, but vertigo forces him down. _I hate myself. To give in to the weakness, the pettiness. I wanted to spare her this torture_.

 **My boy, you did what was needed. She is meant to know her own darkness, meant to embrace it as you will. She will claim it and set yourself upon the path to me. The two of you will sit upon the Sith thrown and know endless power**.

Ben leaps up. _She is not meant for that, or you. I won’t let you anywhere near her_.

 **Ah, but I am the one who bridged your minds, shared dreams of futures that gravitate around the other. You are her destiny as I am yours**.

“No!” Ben feels himself scream. No matter what else, he has to protect Rey. He will not let this proliferating virus infect her life as it has ravaged his own.

 **You are too late. The two of you have been marked and together, you will rule the galaxy. It is inevitable**. The voice laughs and each note hammers into Ben’s mind. He’s frenzied, at a loss what to do, how to protect the girl who refuses to be afraid of him. Her bravery has always inspired him.

He crouches and shuts his eyes. Conjuring up his dream images, he sees Rey as a young woman, defiant and powerful. She yields a strength that fascinates him, enthralls beyond measure. Regardless of his role in her life, Ben will make sure she becomes whatever she wants to, on her own terms.

Placing both hands on the short grass, he pulls himself into a ball of energy. It pulses and writhes, creating sparks and flares. With steadying gasps, it eventually stills to a thrumming mixture of pigments. Flickers of light then pierce the muddied hues. He focuses all of his attention on the seed buried within the muck, a gnarled and ugly thing that he has ignored since childhood. To confront this seed used to leave him feeling powerless.

But he won’t choose that anymore.

He locks his fingers around its jagged edges and stands. With a deep inhale, Ben plants his feet and opens his eyes. With all of the interstitial vibrations of the Force at her fingertips, he pulls the corners of his strength together and crushes the seed in his hand.

“You will never hurt me anymore. And you will never creep into Rey’s mind,” he says calmly. The voice splits into oblivion, a high-pitched howl fading quickly. Ben straightens, feeling less burdened than ever before.

The daylight skips along his skin and he doesn’t recoil from its warmth anymore. He glances around, partially bewildered by the lifelong vacancy left by the voice. The victory leaves him breathless, uncertain.

Rey is suddenly running toward him. “Ben! You’re alright!” He lowers himself to catch her as she leaps into his arms. The pure giddiness of her presence makes him laugh.

“Yes, I’m alright.” He swings her around twice, relishing the proximity. Then, as if a cloud passed over the sun, Ben stops. He lowers her to the ground.

“What is it?” she asks, brow furrowed with worry.

“I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it,” he says quietly. Rey’s eyes reflect the world.

He notices his parents approaching at a run. They come to an abrupt halt when they see him. For once, their fear is a relief, keeping them at bay.

“What can I do?” Rey gasps.

“You’re stronger than you know. No matter what, believe in that strength.” He plants a chaste kiss to her forehead and turns on his heel.

Using the full benefit of his long legs he runs away from her, while his heart pleads for it to be any other way.

* * *

Her forehead tingles from his lips. She swipes at the skin, unsure of what any of it means. Ben moved faster than she’d ever witnessed a human go. Her legs automatically moved several steps before she realized it was futile to chase after him.

Han, Leia, Luke, and Chewie appear on either side of Rey. No one speaks. Han wraps an arm around Leia and Rey, who sinks into it. Her tears creep silently toward the ground, seeking an embrace of their own.

They watch as Ben leaves the planet, a tiny ship speeding off into space. Already she misses him but accepts the decision he made. She hopes she’s capable of the strength he sees in her.

The last words, sent directly to her mind, linger morosely. _“I can’t trust myself yet. I need time to heal. But I will see you in the future. I promise, sweetheart”_.

A rasping cry escapes her and fills the air.

* * *

Days blur together as they all try to find an equilibrium.

Leia goes back to Hosnian Prime to bury herself in work. Han and Chewie decide to stay with Rey at the academy. She wants to exist here for a little longer; meeting the other students, walking the pathways he walked, joining in the beginner saber classes.

Tai, who mourns as well, tells Rey stories about their shared friend that push back the sadness. At least for a little while.

* * *

Luke offers Rey some Jedi texts to study at her own pace. She accepts them, mostly because she doesn’t have the energy to refuse. But then she has a better idea. Rey asks Luke for some of Ben’s texts. _Anything to hold_.

Luke hesitates, saying “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

Rey glares at him. To her surprise, Tai helps her retrieve them, despite Luke’s rejection of the idea. When they sneak into Ben’s small room, Rey remembers her own tiny space on Jakku. She wraps her fingers around the bound books and can’t quite believe it.

Ben’s words adorn the paper margins; translations, indecipherable scribbles, philosophical notes, and teenaged corrections fill the spaces. She traces her fingers over each piece of Ben left on the pages.

It makes her feel closer to him than she would have thought possible.

* * *

Rey leaves Yavin and misses Tai immediately. But the academy has become too toxic. Even glimpsing Luke angers her.

With the help of Ben’s written translations and suggestions, Rey goes through the materials quickly. Her Force skills improve exponentially. She throws herself into the process, with little else to concentrate on. Each concept and practice brings strength.

_But will it be enough?_

* * *

A year passes with no word from Ben.

Luke says that he has cut himself off from the Force. The concept turns Rey’s blood to ice. He must feel it was necessary. But it still seems like a traumatic decision.

Inside her, darkness pulses patiently. She looks directly at it, confronts it. _This is part of me but will not grow further_. Ben’s words echo in her mind.

When Rey feels the pull to meditate, she does so dutifully.

She wonders how long she has to wait for her friend to return. Leia and Han inhabit their own lives almost as before, on autopilot to avoid the ache. Perhaps they think he will not return. Rey knows otherwise. 

But still, his absence hurts.

* * *

Rey eventually asks Leia about Palpatine. She has read all she can about him and now must comprehend him in reality, beyond the histories written by others. It happens one evening when Leia has more energy than usual. 

It’s clearly an unpleasant topic for Leia but she sits through it, answering what she can.

Soon, Rey asks about Anakin and Padme, too. She does this partially for her own understanding, and partially to push Leia to grapple with her past. Maybe it’s rude but Rey doesn’t care.

She’s tired of the past keeping invisible chains around the living.

* * *

Another year lashes at her. She starts to mark its passage on the wall under her bed. Each little scratched line represents a day that feels much longer.

There’s a rumor that someone saw a young man who looked like the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa on Dantooine. 

Han and Chewie chase after the rumor, and everyone that follows it. She sees how Han has changed, how he’ll never go back to the absent father he once was.

She begs Leia to let her go, too. “We can find him, I know it.” But Leia says they just have to give him time.

Rey has never disliked the woman more.

* * *

More months crescendo into years. They roll across her world, pressing into her uncomfortably. 

Her body starts to shift in unfamiliar ways. Leia tells her it’s normal, that this is what bodies do when they reach adolescence. Rey tries to imagine what would be happening on Jakku if she were still underfed and malnourished.

The pain of menstruating makes her angry. _How can my body attack itself like this? Hasn’t it survived enough already_? Leia says she can receive an implant that will minimize the discomfort, as well as protect against pregnancy. Rey is horrified at the thought, having not even considered being intimate with anyone. 

Soon after, Leia is removed from the Senate. The whole galaxy now knows of her relationship with Vader. All of her work for establishing a stable government is wiped away, all because of who her father is.

Disgust blooms inside Rey. The strangling nature of lineage continues its tightening.

* * *

The First Order is birthed from the Empire’s remnants, as Leia said would happen. Few believed her, but Rey knows better than to not take Leia’s warnings as more truth than conspiracy. The woman has survived more loss than anyone she knows.

They leave Hosnian Prime, finally. Rey doesn’t look back. She finds purpose in focusing on the next steps, the ones that will bring her back to Ben. 

The sting of missing him becomes more blunt. It’s ever-present but starts to fade into the tapestry of her shifting world. She weaves a story of their future that buoys her.

Leia establishes a team of resistance fighters and at last, Rey is allowed to join Han. An ecstatic happiness flows through her. For so many years she has had only C-3P0 as a persistent companion (Leia’s absence had nearly rivaled Ben’s) and she is ready for real human loved ones to fill her days.

When they arrive to pick her up, Han and Chewie give her the biggest hug of her life.

* * *

Rey thinks waiting could be her most honed skill.

As they traverse various systems and realms searching for Ben, Rey begins to revel in the galaxy itself. There are beautiful worlds, ones that a visit is enough to kill you, and others that once boasted verdant life but now sustain the barest qualifications for it.

Whenever possible, Rey finds a place to meditate. Sometimes she swears she can almost sense Ben, the glimmers and glimpses of him darting along her calm thoughts. In dreams, he is ever-changing, like a sheet of water flows between them. She can’t see his face, either because of the frightening mask or because he is at a great distance.

Han and Chewie hear news of black-clad men who call themselves _Knights_. Their description matches the figures in her nightmares. She shudders at their mention, knowing they hunt for Ben.

She wishes she could cut each of them down.

* * *

Rey is fourteen when she finally sees him. 

They are on D’Qar, having responded to Leia’s request for supplies. Han, of course, complied at once. Seeing Leia after so long brought a surge of joy that Rey didn’t expect. The anger Rey has carried for the woman has done little more than harden her own heart. She decides to forgive.

Rey later wonders if that was part of the block to their connection, but she can’t be sure of anything.  
Her meditation has been less than successful today. The buzz of activity drags at her attention. The mechs and pilots, techs and advisors bustle too near to be ignored.

The swift removal of sound alerts her to a fundamental change in her surroundings. A man appears, walking with a limp. She recognizes that kind of sprain. 

“That will heal faster if you stop walking on it.” The words leave her before she realizes who it is or how they could be talking. He turns to her so swiftly his hood slides down his head.

“Rey,” he breathes, wonder and happiness marking his eyes. “What is happening? Can you see my surroundings?”

“No. I have no idea what this is. I was meditating.” She scarcely believes he’s here in front of her, tall and handsome and foreboding. His hair hangs at his shoulders and his features have all deepened as if he’s carved himself from stone. The honey-brown eyes that stare at her dance.

“I can’t see yours. Just you. It’s been a long time.”

“Almost six years, to be exact.”

His expression darkens. “I know. I’ve been… on the run, as I’m sure you guessed. Snoke wants my power. But I’ve been staying ahead of him.” Ben huffs and it looks almost like he’s proud of himself. Rey smiles.

“When will you be safe?”

“I don’t know. I’m putting you in danger at this very moment. Whatever this is, I have to end it.”

“No! I need to talk to you! There’s so much going on,” she begs.

“I know. The galaxy is on the brink of war once more. I feel sorry for my mother. She worked tirelessly to avoid this...” It’s the softest he’s ever appeared when discussing Leia.

Rey launches forward, intending to hug him.

But he vanishes before she makes it halfway there.

That night, her dreams boil with dread. Masked men overpower Ben and he loses himself to a shadow. And she sinks after him, a witless stone into the murky depths.

* * *

Every day arrives with the hope they’ll be connected. But months pass without a glimpse of him. Rey resigns herself to the idea that perhaps it was nothing more than a hallucination.

Han and Chewie decide to have a prolonged stay at Luke’s academy. They tell her to spend be with people her own age, to talk with Tai. Their fear that she is too isolated makes her feel loved and cared about. So she goes through the motions of socializing, practicing, _living_. 

After all these years, there’s a joy to it. Which makes it all the more guilt-inducing when Ben appears before her. She’s mid-laugh and surrounded by students, many of whom he knows.

All sounds are sucked from the space and she jumps up, recognizing what comes next.

He is disguised once more, a heavy cloak encircling him. A smile catches his face instantly. “Rey,” he says softly. “You look happy.”

“I am! To see your face! Ben, where are you? Can we come to you? Han and Chewie have been tracking rumors about you for years. We want you to come home,” she pleads, and her eyes begin to smart.

“I can’t. I’m too dangerous, still. The best gift I can give you now is to stay away, to keep him away.” His voice is strained but determined.

“You don’t get to make that decision about my life, Ben,” Rey says harshly. All of her hibernating anger roars to the surface. “I want you in my life. I don’t want anything else but you.” Rey stomps her foot and purses her lips.

Ben’s cheeks turn pink and his mouth opens to form words. He searches her face feverishly, trying to comprehend the emotions. “It’s too soon, Rey. And I’m being hunted relentlessly.” He balks at the phrasing, knowing it will cause her distress.

He swims in her vision, tears turning the world to an ocean. “Ben. Please, come back. You promised I would see you again. _Really_ see you.” Rey steps forward. She grasps at his hand and is astonished when she catches it.

Startling at the touch, Ben closes his eyes and inhales. “I haven’t done everything I have to do to keep you safe, yet. Please, trust me.” He tilts his head and squeezes her hand.

A strange persistent question takes up residence in her mind. “How old are you now?”

“I’m twenty-four,” he replies and color rushes his cheeks.

“I’m catching up,” Rey says and grins.

Ben bursts into laughter. His whole body shakes with it, head going back and eyes snapping shut. It’s the most glorious thing she’s ever witnessed. 

“That’s not how aging works, Rey,” he manages to say at last. He swings her into a hug and she feels a bubbling joy course between. Her forehead almost reaches his shoulders. _How can he occupy so much space_?

“I miss you.”

“Always,” she replies. And he fades from her arms.

* * *

Several months slip by before the Force connects them.

This time Ben isn’t surprised. His eyes are windswept and harried, shoulders hunched with apprehension. She tries to smile but he’s impatient to speak.

Regret tinges each word as he crumples to the floor. “Rey, Snoke got in. I relaxed for a split second. But I failed. He knows who you are, what you mean. He’s going to come after you. I tried to protect you. This was the way I can.” 

A sob wracks him and Rey isn’t sure what to say or do. She charges forward and drapes herself around him.

“Ben, you’ve always told me how strong I am. How fierce. You don’t have to protect me.”

“I do. You’re the only thing that matters.” His voice cracks. “I know what I have to do. Please don’t hate me for it. I don’t even care if my family hates me for it. Anyone but you. It’s the last defense to keep him away.”

Fear invades each of Rey’s cells. It proliferates there, pumped into her extremities by a painfully ragged heartbeat. “Ben,” she whispers, trying to get him to look at her. “Whatever it is, don’t do it. We’ll find another way.”

He shakes his head, teeth grinding upon themselves. _He’s made up his mind. I’m going to lose him_.

“Ben, please don’t-” Rey chokes out.

But he disappears before any other words make it past her lips.

* * *

Another rapid sequence of months mocks her. 

There’s a new rumor, one that Rey, Han, and Chewie find the most corrosive of all. A man called Kylo Ren has become the epitome of the First Order’s power and might. Rey knows who it is at once. The words are too acrid to speak.

She thinks Han suspects and they often look at each other, grief-stricken. Han’s always known the workings of his son’s mind more than the rest of the family. He stops sleeping, drinks more. Rey laments as he begins to dissolve before her eyes.

 _Like father, like son_.

* * *

A relentless year passes but it doesn’t mark her as it once did. Rey feels like a bystander in her own life. Chewie encourages Han to return to Leia, thinking she can offer solace to his withering soul. And she continues to let the current of this life pull her along.

She relinquishes to the call of war, because it means _action_ , at least. Luke is there, ready to lead the fight. She doesn’t even want to look at him. But still she trains, meditates, instructs herself in the ways of the Force.

When Hosnian Prime is destroyed, people fall to their knees. She feels little about the loss. But she wonders how far Ben has fallen from himself.

* * *

/>

They arrive on Ajan Kloss and Rey months later. She balks at the size of the Resistance. People group together, full of hope and readiness.

She sees him amidst the chaos of the base.

To her infinite relief, he does not wear the mask. He looks so much older, worn-down. Rey wishes she could cup his face and kiss away each of the fears that cling to him.

Ben leans over a chair, lost in thought. Clothes as black as night enshroud him. He’s barely held together by the tight fabric and constraining layers. He hasn’t seen her yet but already she’s crying.

“Ben. Why did you choose this path?”

His head jerks up to her. “Rey.” Her name falls from his open mouth, shock replacing everything else. “This is dangerous. Snoke is the one who has connected us. He wanted us to join the darkside together. That’s what he’s always wanted. I thought giving myself over to him would be enough… I found something out. That we’re a dyad, Rey. It makes so much sense, how we’ve always been connected.” 

She’s rooted to the spot, unable to take in all of his words. He runs toward her.

“You won’t stop growing up,” he says and almost laughs. “You’re almost… how I’ve always seen you in my dreams.” Absently, he raises a hand to her cheek. A ghost of a touch glides upon her skin. She shudders and leans into it. At once, he withdraws, as if waking up.

“We can’t let this happen anymore.” The apology that spills from his eyes flays her open.

He’s gone as her fingers reach out.

* * *

When it seems like he has been successful in breaking their connection, the cycle of abandonment restarts. Sleep evades her as she witnesses the galaxy turn around this war, the First Order and Resistance clashing endlessly. Leia leads the fight against her son, without ever accepting what role her son now performs.

In the depths of loneliness, Rey finds a stirring within her flesh. She imagines Ben’s face pressed to hers, skin on and skin and hands holding firm to the other. Her fingers move along her body, eyes closed and sighing, until she coaxes noises from herself she’s never heard before. All the while, Ben is there in her mind, kissing her fervently.

She’s not sure when this shift from _my only friend_ to someone she would do _that_ with occurred. But it happened naturally as if she couldn’t stop it if she’d tried. 

After the waves of pleasure pass, a pool of grief takes over and she hovers on the brink of drowning.

* * *

Rey turns nineteen, or she believes she does. Her age has always been an unknowable thing. She thinks in an abstract way that _Ben is twenty-nine_. There’s a pungent feeling that she hasn’t caught up with him at all.

There are days where she thinks about a _dyad_ , the strange word Ben shared with her but never explained. No matter what, she will one day understand. It is a sacred thing if it links her to Ben.

She has little to do with the war. But she has met people. A man named Finn has claimed her as a friend, and his partner Poe. Another woman, Rose, joins their ranks. They are faces and names that slide past her. She feels helpless when observing the massive push to defeat the First Order. Including the man she loves. 

One day she recalls Ben’s parting words about strength and promises. She imagines his golden-brown eyes. The entire situation suddenly strikes her as almost laughable, missing this man who has gone to the dark side.

 _But it was to keep you safe_. With the thought, something dramatically alters inside her. 

Her apathy turns to determination. Her body thrums with the need to be used.

In that instant, she decides to do something impulsive. _To hell with everything else. I can at least do this one thing_.

She grabs her staff and the blaster Han gave her and sprints to the one ship she trusts.

 _Ben joined Snoke to protect me. I’m going to return the favor by saving him_.


	13. Chapter 13

When Han imagines the man Kylo Ren, something inside him unravels. He churns with grief and regret, realizing how many steps it took to get here and knowing, in retrospect, exactly what he should have done differently each time. The ceaseless spiraling of _what ifs_ keeps upending his attempts to connect with his present life.

The galaxy fears this man but Han does not. With more intensity than he has known before, Han wishes he could get through the exterior to the person inside, to reassure the fractured boy that goodness still flourishes, though it may seem impossible. Han wants to take the pieces and hold them until the person he knew stitches back together.

When Han thinks of Ben, a series of specific images parade one after another: the first time Han held him as a tiny baby; the first time he fell asleep in Han’s arms; the first time he said “dada!” with such proud enthusiasm that Han almost didn’t recover from the crashing wave of love that leapt forth.

There are other images that have been added over the years, many from lazy days on the _Falcon_ , practicing with blasters, planning grand adventures. The recent memories are surprisingly difficult to wrangle, for they uncork the bottle of emotions Han has kept tucked away. If he thinks of Ben first flying the _Falcon_ on Chandrila, or annoying C-3P0 in the kitchen after, or hugging his son before bed that night, the world turns desolate.

Because his son has grown up and changed, has become someone, _something_ that he cannot fathom. He knows Ben’s in there, because _how can such a raging fire of a soul ever fully be stomped out?_ The boy has resisted, pushed back, and fought against things Han cannot comprehend.

But that too is an excuse and Han’s life is full of them. Ben didn’t ask Han to do anything he was incapable of doing. _“Hold me dada, please,”_ the boy would beg after waking from dreams more sinister than a child’s mind can conjure on its own. Han knew then that something was wrong but his powerlessness became a weakness, a personality trait, rather than a problem to solve.

He failed year after year. And that failure now has galactic-scale consequences. To stifle the guilt means to focus on the hope that everything that’s happened hasn’t stripped Ben of his startlingly deep love. The boy’s earnestness had a tendency to influence Han’s jaded perspective, always added empathy and awe where Han previously felt none. These are among his son’s most precious gifts.

 _It’s not too late. It can’t be_.

Chewie glances over, eyes overflowing with Ben-level compassion, and Han deflates.

“I miss him more than anything,” he says quietly.

Chewie nods, his expression imbued with sadness.

They sit on Ajan Kloss and let the Resistance activity flurry around them. Han wonders, not for the first time, if Leia knows the identity of Kylo Ren. He’s never told her, never spoken the words. _I’m sure she felt him fall to the dark side. Felt it tear into her through the Force_. The thought makes him shudder violently and Chewie looks up.

“I need to take a walk. You comin’?” 

“Rhhgg, rwwhg,” Chewie replies somberly.

“Alright, see you before dinner.”

Han lets his feet move themselves, skipping over bumpy terrain and vegetation unnoticed. He takes a deep breath and allows his heavy lids to fall.

Rey stands before him when he opens his eyes.

“Han, I have a plan to rescue Ben. Or, not exactly a _plan_ but more a conviction. I just need a ship.”

She’s breathless and covered in sweat, having apparently run to find him. Her young face has a look of startling determination. _Funny to think back on how I too had no plan when I decided to rescue Rey from Jakku_.

Han fills with a lightness he can’t describe. Without hesitation, he says, “I’m on board. What do we do?”

Relief floods her face. “Thank you,” she says. “My first thought was to get off-planet as quickly as possible before anyone in the Resistance finds out what we’re planning.” She pauses, making sure no one can hear them. “But, I realized I don’t know where he is. We can’t go searching the entire galaxy as before. We failed so many times.”

Han nods, thinking. “I’ve heard Leia say there is a First Order spy that feeds intel to the Resistance. But that means we have to tell Leia.”

The color drains from Rey’s face. “What if she wants to stop us?”

“She is formidable. But we’ll find a way,” Han says with a quirk of his lips. “For Ben,” he adds, lips forming a tight line.

She gives him a soft, resolute smile and a tiny dip of the head. “For Ben.”

* * *

“You want to go _where_?” Leia asks flatly.

Rey rushes onward. “We’ll take the _Falcon_ so we won’t need any Resistance ships. It will be us, no one else. Han and Chewie will stay on the _Falcon_.” Han starts to interrupt. “No, Han. I’m strong enough to do this with the Force, especially beside Ben. Together, we can take Snoke down. I’m not afraid,” she adds, hoping it sounds convincing.

“Beside Ben? What do you mean, Rey?” Leia’s gaze bores into her and she can’t help but shrink slightly.

Han places a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “We’ve never talked about this, which seems to be something our family is really good at; avoiding difficult discussions. But Leia, you know the truth. You know who Kylo Ren is, as I do. We’ve never needed proof.”

Leia’s eyes turn watery. She staggers backward, reaching a chair and falling heavily into it. “I’ve been in denial for years. As with everything else, I thought I could run from it, that it wouldn’t be true if I kept it at enough of a distance. I can’t understand… _why would he go to the dark side?_ ” 

Rey has rarely seen Leia shed tears. They slip forth uninhibited and each one chips away at Rey’s anger toward the woman. _After a life full of loss and sadness, maybe everything she’s done was in an effort to simply keep surviving_.

“Leia, he turned for _me_. To protect me. I don’t know what it means but he said we’re a dyad and that Snoke wants me for my power. He was pushed to these horrible decisions, pushed to desperate actions.” A storm builds inside her and she gasps for breath amidst the tumult. “All to save what he loves. And I love him too much to let that result in his destruction.”

It feels foreign to say those words… and yet nothing makes more sense to her. Rey has known the depths of her love, in various forms, since she was a child racing after him on the streets of Chandrila. And, looking back, she has witnessed his love since he left, keeping himself away to protect her.

Leia searches her face as they both silently cry. In the space that opens up between them, Rey finds more words, urgent and merciless. She sniffs aggressively and wipes at her face. Looking at both Han and Leia, she squares her shoulders.

“I appreciate all you have done for me. All the love you have given me. Truly. I can’t imagine my life if I hadn’t met Han. But that meeting changed Ben. He felt like I replaced him, took his place as your child. I hate myself for causing him that pain. Though I never meant to, I caused it. You both decided to do things differently with me. For some reason, you let me make my own choices, which is a privilege Ben never had. And now he’s in the hands of his abuser.” Rey breathes shakily and looks at each of them. Leia looks stricken. Han’s jaw looks unbearably tight. “This moment is probably your last chance to do it differently for Ben. To save his life.”

Rey realizes the speech should have come years ago. With revulsion, she acknowledges that she’d kept it inside because of _fear_ ; that Han and Leia would decide she’s ungrateful, too judgmental, or they’d realize their mistake and bring him back. Whatever their reasoning, she would then be abandoned all over again. Her desperation for some semblance of a family came at Ben’s expense. 

As he was being hunted, she was being a coward.

“I will make this right. I will make sure he is safe, with or without your help.”

Leia opens her mouth, a fish out of water craving the security of its previous existence. Then she stands and comes toward Rey quickly. With a whoosh of the air, Leia embraces Rey, arms wrapped tight. Though startled, Rey sinks into it after a beat.

“Thank you for doing what I’ve never been able to do; stand up to my fear to protect the person I love most in the world. He doesn’t know how impossibly much. And that is a regret I will carry until the Force takes me.”

Leia pulls back as Rey sniffles. The woman grows steely and resolute. “I wish I could be there to rescue my son. But I’m needed here. And as luck would have it, our spy happened to give us updated coordinates on the location of the _Supremacy_ this morning. That’s where… Ben keeps residence. Snoke, too.” Leia straightens and smoothes herself out, returning instantly to General mode. “It is difficult to infiltrate, of course. It seems some kind of distraction is needed for you to slip by to locate Ben. How will you do that? The dreadnought is huge.”

“I’m not sure yet. I’m hoping once I’m on the ship I’ll feel him.” Rey knows this doesn’t sound like a solid plan. But she doesn’t know what else to do.

“Chewie and I can cause enough of a dust-up to draw some attention. But anything on the ship is out of our hands.” Rey and Leia are shaking their heads before Han finishes the sentence.

“I believe I can help with that.” 

Rey whirls around, shocked by the new voice. Luke stands before them, relaxed and resolved, a complex mixture of emotions swirling on his face and through the Force. 

“We don’t need your help,” Rey replies at once. 

“It sounds like you do. And if this is a mission to finally do right by Ben, I will not sit it out. He deserves an apology from me as much as you all,” Luke states. Rey knows there’s no point in arguing. 

Leia’s energy oozes distress. _She thinks she could lose everyone today. Son, brother, partner, whatever I am to her. I won’t let that happen_

“Fine. What is your plan?” Rey asks

“I haven’t figured it out yet. Which means I’m hardly behind you two, in terms of preparations.”

Han sighs but his eyes are alight. “Just like old times, huh?” 

Luke releases a hint of a smile.

They stand for a moment, each making internal calculations about the ill-advised excursion into enemy territory. 

Eventually, Leia gazes at her. “Rey, go get my boy.”

* * *

The _Supremacy_ is the coldest place Ben has ever lived, which is saying something considering the many years hiding in the inhospitable places of the Unknown Reaches. Cold has always affected him in ways beyond the physical. It turns his thoughts to slowly coiling tendrils of loathing and regret. He becomes a creature in slow-motion, at war with itself, whose death is drawn out inexplicably. 

He can’t escape the truth of this, or of himself until he slips on the clothes of Kylo Ren. As much as it disgusts him, Ben has never felt as powerful as he does in those constricting layers and hardened mask. The clothes construct the persona, dictated and outlined by Snoke, but breathed to life through Ben’s denial of self. He perfomrs the role with fervor, reveling in an intoxicating sense of agency unlike he’s ever experienced.

Each day as he displaces himself to morph into the heir of Darth Vader, he wants to believe it becomes harder to retain anything of his prior self. He imagines shedding his vulnerability and weakness, the things he has been taught to vivisect at all cost, and becomes a beast. In this form, he feeds off the rage and disappointment that Luke told him to dispel. He sets alight the Jedi teachings of balance and peace. Now, he can lash out without regard for consequences. No more gray areas or indecision. He is instinct and menace working in tandem to clear a path forward, with a direct purpose that fills him until he overflows.

Ruthless and authoritative, cunning and capable, Kylo Ren demands attention like Ben never could.

Nevertheless, Ben keeps refusing to be completely snuffed out, buried deep, and it causes fissures within the foundation. The ground shakes when he is alone, stripped of facade and deception. At night he dreams of stabbing his father and watching as the body fall into an abyss, of blowing up his mother’s ship and feeling nothing as she dies alone in space. Of choking Rey to death, unflinching and unrepentant. 

_As Anakin did, so shall I end up destroying the one person who has ever fully loved me_. 

When he wakes, drenched in sweat and heaving, he wants to destroy the soft, frail heart of that weak boy.

So he dons the ensemble of a killer. There’s a relief, despite everything he’s lost, to finally embrace what lives in his blood. The dark side whisper that followed him from infancy now can roar as loud as it needs to and he allows it, roars with it. Slashes and destroys at a whim. 

All the same, without the need to push back the darkness, Ben is left with a vacancy so profound that nothing could possibly take its place. 

_Except maybe her_.

But that is a dangerous thought of self-indulgence and arrogance. It assumes she still could care for him, after such an absence, after devolving into the enemy. She lives a life separate from him, as he intended. And yet it hurts no less to think of her smiling, surrounded by people her age, some who probably look at her with covetous eyes. He’s jealous of her life and of those who get to share her life.

 _It should be me by your side_. 

In the dead of night, tossing and turning and feeling _so kriffing cold_ , he wants to possess her, to share the throne with her as Snoke has promised. It is potent, thinking of their power and connection. The life they could build. _The pleasure of dominance and intimacy and devotion_.

These thoughts leave him retching on the floor. 

Sometimes, in the silence of his quarters with his uniform folded neatly out of sight, Ben remembers what it was like before. The majority of his memories have gradually dulled, as if through killing Ren and taking his place, training under Snoke, and _trying to survive_ under Snoke, his mind began to wipe away whatever fragments could hurt. 

His prior life, though stained by his family’s ill-conceived notions of _“what was best_ ” for him, turns murkier. It shifts into a fairytale he once told himself to keep the darkness back. In this _before_ time, whatever glimpses of happiness take on a noxious, dishonest hue.

Of course, the images of Rey don’t lose their shine like the others. She gleams, both in dream and memory, and it stirs a deep thing inside him. Something he is supposed to have crushed as he crushed Snoke’s voice before leaving the academy. It’s one of his many failings, but this one he doesn’t hate so desperately. He must keep this ember stoked deep inside him, concealed, or all of this has been for nothing.

As Kylo Ren, he is feared and respected. But he is not naive to the fact that he is a servant fulfilling the demands of the very creature that corrupted his childhood.

After all this time, having finally _given in_ to the dark side, Ben feels no less haunted. 

_But at least she’s safe_.

* * *

When Han sees the _Supremacy_ for the first time he actually gulps. Even at this great distance, undetected on a chunk of space rock, the dreadnaught is so comically large that the entire endeavor suddenly seems futile. The discouragement doesn’t last long.

 _My son is on there, somewhere, and we’re going to bring him back_.

With an attempt at confidence, Han snorts. “We’ve gone up against worse.”

Chewie bellows his agreement.

“Alright, as agreed, I will reach out to Ben, let him know I’m here so he won’t let anyone shoot. I’ll eject in the escape pod. You will jump to lightspeed at once. Luke will do his part while Ben and I steal a ship. Clear?” Rey stands before them with quaking hands. Han sees the same level of grit he first observed thirteen years before.

“Clear as it’ll ever be.” Actually, Han has a lot of questions but it’s never been in his nature to harp on brazen plans. 

Rey nods and nervously leaves the cockpit. Han has a sharp impulse to eavesdrop on the mysterious bond she shares with his son. But he knows better. Or at least, Chewie knows better. His companion looks right at him.

“Alright, alright. I’m staying here, see?” And he gestures wildly at the seat he occupies.

Waiting is not one of Han’s strengths. He’d rather be _doing_ anything else but waiting passively for the next thing to occur. However, he recognizes how his role has shifted over time. As much as it hurts him, he has to accept it.

“Rrrrwwwh!”

“Yeah, I hope he’s as happy to see us,” Han replies quietly.

Rey returns looking frazzled.

“What happened? Did you get through to him?”

“No. I thought for sure trying multiple times today would alert him to _something_...” Han sees her reconsidering the whole plan. “We really should have planned better. I only wanted to get to him as soon as possible,” Rey says weakly.

“I get it, kid. I feel the same.”

“Rhhhggg, rwgg rhwwg.”

“Chewie’s right. We need to figure something out right now or get the kriff away from that ship.”

“I have an idea,” she says slowly after a moment. “But you’re not going to like it.”

“Why am I not surprised?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. Things have been hard. I really hope this chapter is okay.

“She has arrived at last,” Snoke articulates slowly. Ben’s head jerks up.

“Who?”

“The girl,” Snoke replies smoothly. “She’s come to join us after these many years wasted renouncing her true power. But no more.” Snoke tilts his head away, a look of greed settling over his marred features. “A Force-user who rejected the Jedi path as a child and has ultimately embraced her darkness. She who comes from Emperor Palpatine himself.”

Ben kneels before his master, muscles tight and mind awash. He can’t comprehend what Snoke says. He wants to remove the mask, to breathe at least, but Snoke would see the emotional torrent beginning to occur. He swallows thickly and tries to steady his breathing.

“You mean, Rey is on the _Supremacy_ right now?” Each word sticks in his throat, sharp and scathing.

“Yes, my young apprentice. Incredibly strong, that girl. She pressed into my mind, instead of yours, it seems. Even your partner in the dyad prefers to avoid communicating with you.”

Ben inhales sharply then tries to cover the sound by shifting his bent knee. “I have blocked her out. I didn’t want her to reach me.” He’s too numb to the situation to say more, letting the words sound as broken as he feels.

 _After all I’ve done for her, she’s come here? Turned herself over willingly_?

Ben is familiar with rage but this feels different.

It’s a white-hot searing ripple that seizes his brain. Ben winces from agony and confusion. _How can there be anything left of me to feel such pain_?

He unblocks his mind, searching for her Force signature. Finding it immediately, he senses her resolve, anger, and bloodlust. Though specks of light glimmer within her, shadows contort her silhouette. The spikes of energy shooting off her eclipse his Force vision for a moment. 

_Snoke’s not lying. She’s here_. 

Ben gulps repeatedly, a rising anxiety turning his skin cold and thoughts to fire. He gave up everything to protect her, including the potential of the dyad itself, and she refused his sacrifice. Committing himself to this tortured life is not enough. _What else could I have done to avoid this? What selfish things did I do to warrant her destruction_?

Snoke watches silently as Ben tries to keep his thoughts shielded. But there’s _too much_ , sadness, betrayal, grief, rage. It clouds his mind and singes his lungs.

“I don’t want her here!” Ben yells, lurching to his feet to pace back at forth.

“Ah, you want to protect her, after all this time. How sweet,” Snoke croons. Ben purses his lips. “She will be yours, of course. But first, the two of you will kill the last Jedi.”

Ben’s hands turn to fists. _This is not what was supposed to happen. I thought she was strong enough to resist. I thought she was stronger than me_. 

Snoke gasps and Ben looks up sharply.

“Someone else has arrived. Someone who has delivered himself, saving you and the girl from the task.” Snoke stands and summons his guards. “Master Skywalker has been given clearance to land. He chases after the girl.” Snoke laughs. “Foolish man. Bring him to me,” Snoke rasps eagerly.

Ben stands frozen, unsure how such a sequence of events could be unfolding, and so quickly. 

“I need to see Rey,” Ben demands more forcefully than he thought possible.

“To test her loyalty?” Snoke asks sardonically. “Bring your Knights, for we cannot trust her entirely. I will handle Skywalker,” Snoke adds and dismisses him with a flick of the hand. Ben turns on his heel, boots slapping the metal floor in rapid succession. 

When the doors shut behind him, Ben starts running. _This has to be a mistake. She has too much light in her to descend like this_.

Ben refuses to call his Knights. He has to see Rey alone. With a swipe, the troopers guarding the holding cell crumple unconscious to the floor. The door slides open and Ben slips through, still wearing his mask in case he encounters any other guards.

Ben sees her first. His breath catches at the sight; hair half-up, jaw set, eyes aglow.

“What are you doing here?” he demands, voice quivering.

Rey looks up, shocked by his presence and tone. Her expression almost makes him lurch to her. “I came because I had to,” she replies solidly. “It’s my destiny. Take your mask off.”

“No!” he yells and the clear walls of her cell send his voice back at him. “You don’t dictate what I do. After all these years, I do.” He stomps back at forth, the sheer volume of anger boiling inside him needing someplace to go. “All I’ve done is for _you_. And this, your coming here, giving yourself over to the dark side, it’s the worst betrayal of them all. You were supposed to be stronger. But you’re as selfish and weak as I am.” He pulls his mask off despite himself, hot tears collecting on his cheeks.

He feels her searching his face. Then she presses her lips together and nods. “Maybe I am. But I’d rather be with you than anywhere else.”

The words cut through him and burrow deep as splinters. Ben clutches his face. There’s something more, under the surface, that she keeps obscured. He looks at her hesitantly.

“Why is Skywalker here?”

She doesn’t reply but he senses her telling him something through the bond that is too encrypted to decipher. “Get me out of here and things will start to make sense. I promise, Ben.”

His unease grows as he stands rooted to the spot, gazing at Rey through the clear wall. The thundering sound of running boots outside the room shakes him from his stupor.

“Fine. But I won’t go anywhere near Skywalker,” he seethes.

“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to trust _me_.”

He’s not sure if he’s capable of such a human ability at this point. But he won’t argue, not with Rey, not after so many years of separation. He unlocks the door with a gesture and Rey exits the cell, eyes nowhere else but on him.

For a breathless moment, they stare at one another. It’s the first time he’s truly _seen_ her in more years than he can count. She’s real and yet he can’t push himself to touch her.

They both feel it simultaneously; a permeation of the Force that makes their hair stand on end.

Rey’s expression shifts and she grabs his hand. “Luke is with Snoke. He’s our distraction. We need to get to a ship.”

Ben marvels at the words, unsure what any of them mean, especially in sequence. Nonetheless, he lets her drag him away, focused solely on the burning of their overlapping skin.

* * *

The ship is too big and time too short. Rey drags the Master of the Knights of Ren behind her, astonished by how easily he follows. Only the sheer size of him presents an issue, weighted all the more by boots and cape.

As she sends out her feelings to search for an escape ship, they pass a Stormtrooper who raises a blaster at them instinctively. Rey moves her hand, motioning him onward without incident. 

Ben’s hand rests in hers without pressure. He seems to have yielded his agency, letting the circumstances take him. Rey’s not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but at least it means he won’t resist.

She locates the dock and charges forward. The TIE fighters are lined up neatly around the hangar. Rey dashes toward the nearest one. She can’t believe they’re already this close to getting away.

As if he heard her thought, Ben stops and her hand slips out of his momentum. Whirling around, Rey stares at him impatiently.

“What is it? _We have to go_!”

“So you’re not here to join Snoke? You’re here to rescue me?”

Rey almost laughs. She’s never known him not to keep up.

“Of course I’m here for you. I would never join the dark side. You actually thought I would?”

“Yes.” He says it simply, obviously.

“We don’t have time for this. We have to get the kriff off this ship. I’m not going to lose you again.” She steps toward him and grabs his hand. But he stays firmly planted. She shrieks with frustration.

“Luke won’t beat Snoke and the Praetorian guard. They’ll kill him,” Ben says slowly.

“He knew what the risks were coming here. He insisted on helping you.” Rey tugs at his hand but he’s immovable.

“I don’t have the words to explain how grateful I am you’re here. How sorry I am for what I said before. No one has ever done something like this for me.”

Glancing at the ships, Ben turns coldly resolute. His face takes on the distance of the mask and Rey shudders. He inhales and meets her gaze.

“But none of it will matter unless Snoke dies.” Ben turns and walks away, not waiting for Rey. She grits her teeth at his infinite _obstinance_. She stands here, intending to take him away, and he demands to keep thinking of others. Of Luke, who caused him as much pain as his parents did.

Rey takes a deep breath and runs after Ben. He’s yards ahead of her already and she has to focus all of her thrumming muscles on the act of catching up. She always catches a glimpse of his cape around the corner and senses the gravitational pull of him.

Before she realizes they’re already back at the throne room, Ben disappears through a door. _This is it. We face Snoke. Together_. She feels an exhilarating ferocity as she enters the throne room.

Luke stands flanked by red guards, calm and composed. Rey can tell everyone is aware of their entrance. Snoke’s eyes turn to yawning pits, hungry for what comes next. 

“What a heartfelt reunion,” Snoke cackles. “Skywalker, meet Kylo Ren, the man who destroyed your nephew. He has used your teachings well in service to the dark side.”

Summoned, Ben steps forward. Snoke shifts his focus from Luke to evaluate the larger scene.

“My nephew is alive,” Luke responds confidently.

“Your hope is pathetic,” Snoke spits. Suddenly, Rey flies toward Snoke, unable to move her limbs as she stands before him. He has seen through her ruse.

“Scavenger girl. Heir of Palpatine. How you disappoint me. You could have ruled the galaxy as your grandfather did.”

Rey swallows and clears her mind. “All I want is Ben.”

She feels Ben quake through their bond. _He can’t make himself believe me. If we survive this, I hope I can get through to him, make him understand_.

“Your defiance would have made you formidable. Now, it will be the reason for your death.”

With a surge of power Snoke throws her into the air and invades her mind. He ransacks without regard, rooting out her deepest secrets and fears. She screams, overcome by the onslaught. The rending causes deep fissures that aim to devour her defenses. For a moment, Rey thinks it would be easier just to die. But, years of self-preservation ignite and she decides to drive Snoke back. _I will not surrender to him. I will not let him kill me when I have finally found Ben_.

She’s dimly aware of Snoke cackling before everything goes dark.

* * *

Luke and Ben draw their sabers and become blurs of action. Instantly, the circle of Praetorian guards tightens like a noose. Ben Force-pushes several of them violently onto the ground as Luke Jedi-leaps across the room. Ben’s impressed to see Luke actually moves fast enough to strike at Snoke while his focus is locked on Rey. Ben can’t be sure where the blow lands but Snoke’s pain reverberates through the Force.

An instant later, Rey falls toward the floor. Ben throws a desperate hand out to cushion her landing but can do little else as he jabs at the multitude of guards swirling around him, striking relentlessly. Whoever had fallen with his initial push is already back on their feet. Rey lays on the floor, unmoving but alive.

Ben had bested his six Knights in sparring combat on multiple occasions, but the current odds are not in his favor. _Wake up Rey. I need you_.

Already his limbs grow heavy as he’s forced to shield against a high attack, quickly followed by a sweep at his legs. He’s frustrated to realize that the best he can manage are defensive moves. But soon those moves begin to take a toll. Ben grunts as a guard cuts into his upper arm, his thick sleeve filling with blood.

Fueled by it, Ben breaks the guard’s neck with a turn of his wrist, then consciously channels his decades of grief, anger, and frustration into the subsequent stabs and swings. Two guards crumple with as many blows. The others step back for a second to regroup.

Ben heaves within his robes, wishing, bizarrely, for the less-constricting Jedi garb he was once supposed to wear. 

The five guards left re-coordinate their thrashing, red clothes swathing Ben’s periphery like bloodstains. He can’t spare a moment to look over the raging tumult of his current engagement and pushes out with the Force. He senses that Luke and Snoke are locked in their own struggle, deadly and focused. Ben hopes his previous master has the ability to best his current one.

A blow to his chest makes him stumble wildly. Ben reels backward several steps then rights himself, punching the wound to use the shards of agony to feed his next moves. His lightsaber cuts through the next assailant and abruptly, something stirs in the Force. Ben dispatches another guard, leaving three alive.

Rey appears beside him and the Force ripples with their union, back to back facing the remaining guards. They are both exhausted, Ben from the rounds of combat and Rey from Snoke’s assault. But together, revitalized energy saturates the air.

Having no weapon, Rey picks up a fallen guard’s blade and slashes recklessly, shrieking in a way Ben never imagined possible. _She’s here for me, to take me from this place_. A flickering in his chest nearly distracts him.

He taps into the last of his strength as Rey beheads the guard in front of her, those years of precise training no match for her feral ways. Ben sends waves of admiration through their bond and it costs him. Ben’s last foe hits him on the head and he feels oblivion urgently calling.

 _No. I’ve been through worse_. He grinds his teeth and sends his lightsaber through the guard’s helmet as Rey slays the last of the eight guards.

She is near him at once and he’s never been more eager to embrace a person in all his lonely years. Rey checks him all over then places her forehead on his. He shuts his eyes and breathes her in.

“Luke,” Ben rasps at last, looking across the room.

They both jolt at the sight; the lower half of Snoke sits at the top of the throne steps while his head lays at the bottom. Luke doesn’t move where he stands, shoulders rising and falling as he gapes at the body.

Various currents of Luke’s emotions overwhelm Ben through the Force. Luke’s bewilderment, anger, regret, and sadness. The emotions are sharp and pungent. Unexpectedly, Ben decides to forgive his uncle. For all of the years Luke failed to see what was happening, the years Ben’s needs went ignored, for every time Luke concluded he knew better.

In this moment, Luke stands over the corpse of his nephew’s abuser. Ben lets a rising tide of relief and gratitude flow from him to permeate the Force. _Thank you_. Then he relinquishes to the pressing fatigue.

* * *

Luke grabs one of Ben’s arms as Rey wrestles with the other. 

“Of all the times to check out, this isn’t the most helpful,” Luke feels himself mutter. Rey either doesn’t hear him or decides to ignore the complaint. They stumble under Ben’s weight, taking several staggering steps before Luke has an idea.

“I doubt we’ll make it to a ship at this rate. We should lend Ben some of our strength.” 

Rey nods and doesn’t ask for more information. Luke feels circles of expanding strength and he understands that Rey is letting her intuition guide her. Luke follows suit and soon, Ben’s legs grow steady between them. His head rolls up and eyes snap open.

“What happened?”

“You blacked out. Let’s get to a ship,” Luke replies, releases Ben, and moves toward the door. He glances over his shoulder, making sure they are following.

He sees Ben and Rey share a glance, then they start running. 

As soon as they’re through the door a horde of stormtroopers arrive. Luke, Ben, and Rey flatten them with the Force, each trooper left unconscious by three of the most-sensitive Force users in the galaxy. Luke jumps over them, relishing the feeling of being beside Ben again. _If only I had done things differently. Maybe he never would have left_.

As they sprint down the hallways of the _Supremacy_ , Luke considers their exit strategy. His ship sits at the docking bay where Snoke allowed him to land. It’s a reliable machine, one the Resistance could use. But the temptation to fly a better ship grips him.

Though winded, Luke can’t help but notice the rush of excitement. He feels like he did thirty years before, ruining the dark side’s plans all while increasing the advantage for his loved ones. As much as he enjoys training students and searching the galaxy for Jedi artifacts, this mission provides a shot of adrenaline he’s sorely missed.

They encounter several more stormtroopers who hit the ground without firing a shot.

When they reach the hangar bay, Luke comes to a halt. Apparently working in unison, Rey and Ben select a TIE and dart toward it. Luke senses it is a superior fighter and selects the matching ship beside it.

As they settle into their separate transports Luke almost laughs with delight as he flicks the ship to life.

 _Keep it together, Skywalker. You may have bested the Supreme Leader, but you’re still that same kid from Tatooine_.

Rey and Bey jet out of the hangar bay and Luke follows. He wonders how Ben will look at him once they’ve returned to Ajan Kloss. He’d felt gratitude from his nephew in the throne room. _I hope that lasts. I hope I can make things right with him_.

The openness of space welcomes him as he engages the hyperdrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter count might go up. Should it??? I can't tell. I just want to make sure after all the angst we are getting sufficient healing and fluff...


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I got a comment recommending a name change and after sitting with it for another day, I decided to change it. What do y'all think of the new title? I also upped the chapter count to avoid any rush toward the epilogue. I need Ben to have more time to be happy.
> 
> I offer a humble attempt at smut ^hide's face^

Rey senses Ben wrestling with consciousness as they hurtle through hyperspace. He half-heartedly presses his palms against the stomach wound to stop the flow of blood. Unsurprisingly, Rey’s body mirrors his physical discomfort. _Kriff, what if he bleeds out before we get to Ajan Kloss_? Panic begins to ferment like a headache.

“Ben, how are you doing?”

Instead of speaking Ben’s hand slowly reaches around the seat. At once, Rey’s fingers search for his. The contact sends a shiver down her spine and she clings to his hand until the grip loosens. 

“Rest. We’ll be there soon.”

Rey sets her jaw, hoping that what comes next is easier than the experience they survived on the _Supremacy_. _What will the Resistance say when Ben shows up_? The thought makes her anxious for a few minutes. 

Ultimately, it dawns on her. “Oh, but no one will be able to recognize you as Kylo Ren!” she exclaims, knowing he’s not aware enough to reply.

She relaxes partially. _There shouldn’t be any issues, as long as Leia makes it clear her son is welcome_.

Joy swells within her when she realizes what they’ve achieved. Snoke is dead, Ben is free, and they are together. A semblance of genuine, overwhelming euphoria bubbles within her, long-dormant and eager to awake. Her head grows light, effervescent. Oxygen fills her lungs to capacity and she nearly laughs out loud. She sends a string of thoughts to Ben as he sits behind her in the TIE fighter.

 _You’re free. I’ve got you. And I’m never letting you go_.

Their bond flutters as he receives her declaration. In return, Ben sends a fuzzy but warm message that nestles within her. His matching bliss triggers a foolishly large smile grows on Rey’s face that she declines to stifle.

With another quick reminder to _hold on_ , Rey turns back to the control panel. She watches the smeared white streaks of stars as they race toward the Resistance base.

For the remainder of the flight, Rey lets herself entertain possibilities of the future both vague and sublime. There’s still a persistent worry that he does not care for her the way she cares for him. It hums under her burgeoning elation. After all, the only time Ben has spent with Rey was when she was a child, an entire decade younger than him. Even worse, she’s the person who seemingly took his place with Han and Leia. Rey winces. Despite the passage of years, her guilt is unrelenting.

However, something more _tenacious_ demands her attention and that’s the knowledge that Ben loves her. To deny it would be foolish. Each decision he made to protect her came at a deep personal cost. Rey can’t imagine, let alone process, the steps he took to do what he thought was necessary for her safety. _No one does that except out of love_.

When they near the Resistance base, Rey pushes more energy into Ben. She twists her arm around the seat to nudge him gently for good measure. He stirs and makes a murmuring sound before trying to speak.

“Where are we?”

“Close to Ajan Kloss. Are you ready to see your parents?”

“I’m ready to kiss you. That’s about all I’m prepared to do right now.” Rey sucks in a breath, the thrill of his quiet words making her hyper-aware of her entire body.

She knows he’s smiling and her heart stutters repeatedly. “Yes, I’m ready for that, too.”

“Then let’s land and deal with the Resistance later.”

“But your wounds!” she protests.

“Trust me, this wound is not going to be the death of me.”

His underlying meaning hits her. She blushes, though she can’t explain why. Pressing her lips together Rey decides not to respond.

As they descend through atmo, Rey searches for a landing site sufficiently distanced from the base. It doesn’t take long to spot a suitable location on the topo map. She lands the TIE fighter fluidly onto the ground.

Before the landing gear fully engages Rey is scrambling through the ship. She has to contort her body to maneuver around the pilot’s seat but she doesn’t mind. Ben makes a pleasant noise when she appears before him.

She surveys his body and notes the areas of pain. Gingerly she hovers above, not willing to put any weight on him. Propping her legs on either side of his thighs she cups his face and looks at him. His skin is warm, _too warm_ , and his eyes are partially focused.

“No more than a minute. Then I get you some medical care.” Rey slowly relaxes onto him and a rush of blood sweeps from her head to her toes. His eyes at once ignite with the sheer physicality of her presence. Ben’s hands jerk up to rest on her lower back, fingers burrowing into the fabric that separates them.

Though an engulfing electrical current sets her nerves ablaze, somber words fight for priority.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Rey whispers, grief managing to overtake the excitement. Brief but scalding images flash through her mind of the horrors he endured. _For me_.

Ben drags his fingers over her cheeks. When he speaks, it’s hushed and urgent.

“Sweetheart, I thought you wouldn’t come at all. I thought I was giving you a gift, a life I could never have. It’s the one gift I thought was worthy of you. And you rebuffed it,” Ben says, a begrudging smile pulling one side of his lips upward.

Rey feels herself nearly smile in response. “You are all I want, Ben. I could never live a full life knowing what you were going through. Knowing it was for me. Did you really believe my life would include any happiness without you in it?”

“It’s what I’ve always thought. All the people I’ve ever cared about would be better off without me.” It’s a sheepish but earnest confession.

 _You couldn’t be more wrong_.

Ben brings a thumb to her lips and she parts them. Pinpricks follow his touch, both dazzling and overwhelming. Locking eyes, she tries to pour into him all the emotions that have blossomed inside her over their years of separation. The air simmers while a liquid insistence coils within her. 

_I love you. I have always loved you. I had no idea how expansive it could be, how completely all-encompassing... All that time searching for my parents, my family_.

Rey shakes her head. “I was foolish. You’re my family, Ben. Just you.”

His eyes grow wide and he pulls her close. Rey, though taken aback, recovers quickly. She melts into his torso and breathes him in slowly. A ringing contentment sounds deep within her. She feels his lips on her forehead and in a flurry she pushes up to kiss him.

To her chagrin, the attempt makes him wince in pain.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Rey gasps. “This was such a bad idea. If you die on the blasted ship before we get to formally kiss, I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you.”

“I’m sure I’ll give you plenty more reasons to never forgive me.” He grits his teeth.

“Oh, stop that,” she says and nudges him impatiently. Suddenly, an idea strikes her. It’s an intuitive impulse and Rey doesn’t hesitate. Sensing her change in energy, Ben gives her a questioning look.

She ignores his inquiry and shifts her weight off of him to rest one hand on his upper arm and another on his abdomen. Closing her eyes, Rey imagines a yellow light gleam and begin to grow. Its warmth soothes and unwinds as it laps within her form. She concentrates harder and it naturally overflows, spilling through her hands into Ben. He breathes deeply, unsure of what’s happening but not resisting. Rey sees his signature through the Force settle, each ragged edge becoming still, the sharp points turning round and smooth. 

The light stitches his skin back together beneath her hands. His bruises turn from purple stormclouds to pale sand. The torn muscles mend themselves effortlessly. He sighs under her, both shocked and revitalized.

Her eyes fly open when the process feels complete. She doesn’t know how exactly how she managed that but it makes her grin widely. Rey sinks onto his lap, no longer concerned about hurting him.

“How do you feel?” she asks, pursing her lips in an effort to appear humble.

Ben doesn’t reply at first, simply looks at her with more wonder than all the stars. After several seconds he opens his mouth. His watery eyes rest on hers.

“Better. How did you do that?”

Rey shrugs nonchalantly. “Desperate situations call for untapped powers. Now, where were we…”

She eliminates the gap between them and Ben jolts at the unexpected closeness. Her hands reach for his face, fingers weaving into his soft hair and around his ears. He exhales sharply then shifts his nose to rest on hers. The Force vibrates around them as she basks in his proximity.

For years she has craved exactly this, tucked into the curve of him, safe and at peace. Of course, the degree of intimacy increased as she grew older. To finally exist here with him makes her breath catch.

No longer able to ignore the urge, Rey parts her lips in search of his. When they touch, her shoulders shoot up, tensing briefly. Her eyes shut and fingertips press into the soft skin of his face. He juts his chin to complete the contact between their mouths and she sinks completely, feeling a rhythm in the Force that makes the space itself churn. His hands shift lower to push into her hips. The pressure is wild and bold and utterly intoxicating.

The flames of the kiss expand from her lips down through her neck and chest. On her closed eyelids something blooms in colors Rey has seen in the most exotic places, each one so vivid it leaves a taste, a smell, and a feeling. It emanates the potential of early morning and the promise of _what comes next_. 

The gravity of their lips makes her come undone, morphing into something untamed and voracious. Her tongue grazes his lips, which quickly allow her space to enter. He accepts her tongue ardently and meets it with his own. 

Ben’s hands cover her back, fingers splayed out with aching intensity. Heat radiates from his chest and ignites her skin to the point that she’s nearly sweating. A rushing intensity plummets through her torso, leaving licks of flames as it descends. She feels a mounting need where she touches herself when thoughts of him were too much to ignore. 

She spreads her hips more to heighten the pressure. Ben hardens between her legs and Rey grinds down, finding a spot that turns her vision blurry. He gasps into her mouth at the friction. 

“Rey…” Ben whimpers softly as his hips jerk up.

She smiles before opening her lips to run her tongue along the contours of his mouth. He grunts, mouth open and eyes pinched shut. The noise erases whatever control Rey still maintains. A feral hunger takes shape that Rey would be at a loss to put into words. She groans and loses herself in the feeling of him; soft and sweet and _wanting_. She’d wager that never before has her body craved something this deeply. 

“Rey, I love you,” Ben whispers as his lips tug at her own.

The pull becomes too much. Rey pants into his mouth, letting her hips move of their own extraordinary volition. Her fingers race across his clothes to remove that which still separates them. 

_I want your skin and soul entirely, bared before me to relish and adore_. Ben shudders and ruts into her. When the cape poses too much struggle in the confines of the ship, Rey’s fingers trip lower to his belt, delving below the layers of his costume, possessed by yearning.

She feels her own clothes too tightly, the underwear growing wet. Embarrassment flickers for a moment but she decides not to care. This is Ben, _my Ben_ and nothing exists to tear them apart. Without thinking, Rey brazenly sends him her plans through the bond as she rips at his belt and lowers herself to the floor.

 _I’m going to taste you and kiss you and feel you_.

Ben startles and grabs her hands firmly. “Uh, Rey… no- wait,” he chokes out. Shaken from her mission, Rey looks at him. He’s so flustered she can’t help but laugh.

“What? I’ve heard that’s how you make someone with a cock feel good…”

His cheeks turn a vibrant shade of pink and he clears his throat nervously. “That’s quite... direct of you, Rey.” Ben runs a hand through his hair. He adjusts his position and yanks her back onto his lap. “I shouldn’t be surprised that’s the kind of language you picked up around the base,” Ben says quietly as he kisses her jaw. “I’m amazed that’s something you’d like to do.” Ben leans back to look at her intently. “There are many things I’d like to do with you. I can’t tell you how good this feels, being with you in whatever capacity. Especially _that_ capacity...” he adds, eyes raking across her face. “But I can’t let this happen here. I have much more comfortable plans, Rey.” 

His dark eyes ensnare her as his chest rises. She feels a tendril of rejection but at once Ben shakes his head, sending a stunningly detailed visual to her mind that leaves her trembling; _strewn upon a bed, naked limbs stretched out and quivering, no constraints of time or space_.

She nods, her mouth seeking his feverishly.

“I want that. As soon as possible. I want to feel you joined to me in every possible way, Ben.”

Ben exhales sharply into her open mouth and shuts his eyes. She still feels how hard he is against her inner thigh. Her hand runs the length of him and they both shudder. But then she bites her lip, trying to keep herself from falling into the fervor once more.

“If only we could transport a bed through the Force. Now _that_ would be handy,” Rey says, tracing her lips around the curve of his ear.

In response, Ben runs his shaking fingers up her abdomen and over her breasts, trailing kisses on her neck. Rey notes the reaction her body has, impatiently craving _more, more, more_. Ben bites her earlobe unexpectedly and she huffs a laugh. 

“You’re more beautiful than I ever imagined you could be, Rey. More radiant and transfixing and exquisite than every word in every language could possibly describe.” He leans back to look at her, awestruck and disbelieving.

Rey swoops closer, unable to handle his gaze. The fire of a minute before turns to a steady pulse of _soon_. “And you’re the most handsome in all the galaxy. I can say that, having chased after you for a decade.” She kisses him, delicate and lingering, while he snorts his doubt.

“I mean it. We tried to find you. Tried to change everything that had gone wrong. You were hard to find, Ben,” Rey says sadly, realizing how long it had taken to get to this exact place together.

Ben’s eyes turn somber. He works his jaw and grips her arms, uncertain what to say next. Eventually, he furrows his brow and tries to speak. 

“I thought it was for the best. I never wanted you to go after me. I wasn’t worth any of it. I wanted you to _live_.” He drops his head, voice rough as sand.

“And I will spend the rest of my life telling you how wrong you were. If I have to repeat it over and over, I will.” Rey straightens and raises her voice. “Ben Solo, you are worthier than anyone I’ve ever met!” She lifts his chin to make him look at her. “You are worthy of love and happiness and joy and a future you craft for yourself. On top of that, I couldn’t fully live without my dyad in the Force. Don’t you understand? To be separated is cruel and agonizing. That’s why I rejected your ‘gift,’ because anything else would be accepting an excruciatingly empty life.”

She feels determined to make him _see_ how amazing he is. _If it’s the last thing I do, I will make you aware of your importance, significance, and meaning, Ben Solo_.

“Alright, alright,” Ben murmurs, encasing her hands with his. Rey gages his unfamiliar expression and categorizes it as _abashed_. She laughs softly. 

“If you’re certain you’re up for the challenge. I accept these years of trying to convince me.” He gives her a pointed look, one that is similarly foreign. It’s confident and challenging and makes her body burn.

“Good. You’ll find I am exceptionally patient and stubborn, Ben Solo.”

“Oh, I am well aware,” he says and captures her lips in a slow kiss.

After several protracted seconds, Rey pulls back. “Unless we’re going down _that_ particular road again, I say we head back to base. It’s too much… teasing,” Rey says with a smirk. “Plus, I’m sure your family is wondering where you are.”

She hears Ben’s automatic thought _I doubt they give a kriff_ and she gives him a stern look.

He withers under the gaze. “I guess you have your work cut out for you,” he says with regret.

“Actually, I can’t think of a project I’d rather tackle than helping Ben Solo rebuild his self-confidence.”

“Stop saying my full name,” he says playfully and nips at her chin.

“Is that your full name? You don’t have a middle?”

“I don’t unless that’s something else my parents have kept from me.”

“I obviously don’t have one,” Rey replies quietly. “I don’t even know for sure if my name is Rey. It could be something I made up.”

Ben sags a bit at her admission, clearly feeling her childhood grief too intently. “Whatever the case, I think Rey is perfect. And I can come up with a middle name for you if you’d like.” Ben smiles genuinely. It reaches his eyes and dimples adorn him and Rey fears she will melt into a puddle right then and there.

“Picking middle names for each other? I like the sound of that. Of course, the last name has already been decided.”

Ben’s eyes widen dramatically. He stares at her, full of barely-repressed hope.

“I choose Solo, of course.” She kisses his dimples enthusiastically. “I also think this will be good practice for naming children,” she adds, delighting in the opportunity to extend the largest smile she’s ever witnessed. 

Still smiling, he shakes his head. “How can this be happening?”

Rey leans back to take him in. Then she shrugs. “The Force works in mysterious ways. And also, I came to save you.”

His expression turns grateful as he ducks his head.

“Alright, then. Let’s go see your family.”

Ben looks up. “Let me fly. That way, you can sit on my lap,” he says with a mischievous glint.

Rey feels her cheek muscles getting more exercise than she’s used to. “I can’t imagine a throne I’d rather sit on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that anyone has read this far confuses and amazes me and I'm so grateful.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, but the healthy kind. Hopefully...

As Ben lands the ship he is exceedingly conscious of how much he needs more time with Rey _alone_. The tactile awareness pulsates, muscles and skin strung taut as blood pumps an exhilarating heat through his body. Breathing fails to satisfy his aching lungs. 

_I want to bring you into me_. She makes a soft noise that turns his nerves to fire.

Underneath the insatiable want, Ben notes his palpable anxiety to see everyone else. When coupled, it’s nearly impossible to force himself to leave the ship.

Consequently, Ben stays in the seat, clutching at Rey and inhaling their shared air, triumphs, passions, and anticipations. He imagines pressing his lips and teeth to her skin, feeling her vibrate through physical touch and the Force simultaneously. The possibility of sharing so much more than they ever have turns his mind stormy, but not like the debilitating tumult of before. This storm will ravage and clean, purify and ignite. He will become something new in the embers of their passion.

Rey nestles against him, running her fingers down his stubbling chin. With concentration, they contain the conflagration that laps between them. But only barely.

“I have no idea how you do this to my body. It’s bewildering and very nice,” Rey whispers and her breath causes his hair to stand on end. “You’re worried about what comes next with your family but this is the right path. It may take a while. Luckily, that’s something we’re quite familiar with,” Rey says slowly and kisses his neck.

“I know. I… didn’t prepare for this. Everything has happened so fast. I don’t know if I’m ready.” Ben feels his heart constrict painfully. He tries to hide his trembling but Rey sees through it, eyes spilling over with compassion.

“I’ll be with you if you want. We’ll get through this.” She grips his quivering jaw and kisses him. Shutting his eyes, Ben focuses on borrowing her confidence. Eventually, she pulls back. “You need to remove the cape and probably the outer shirt. You look like… Someone you were pretending to be.”

Ben jolts at the words, cold washing over him unexpectedly. “You’re right.” His voice sounds incredibly small, fractured. His hands shift too slowly for Rey’s preference. She brings her steady fingers to unclasp his cape. This attempt is far more successful than her last. Ben raises his arms as she tugs off the tunic. The process messes his hair and he impatiently tries to squash it back down.

Rey looks him over and nods, smoothing the hair by his ears. “You look good in that sweater,” she says with a grin.

As if yanked by a string, he rushes to layer his lips on hers. They’re impossibly soft. Pulling away nearly causes physical discomfort. He will never get his fill of this closeness with Rey, open and loving and trusting. He’s _too excited_ to be on the brink of seeing his family after such an absence.

Rey hears his thoughts and makes a determined face. To his disappointment, she opens the door and hops down. _I don’t think she’s going to let me avoid anything for the rest of my life_. 

Ben takes a long breath and balls his hands, imagining when last he saw them. _I was still a kid. How has it been this long? How can it be happening at all_?

Automatically, Ben moves through the hatch, his body already deciding what to do while his mind tries to catch up. His boots hit the dirt and he feels… _all of them_. 

He nearly stumbles when he looks up. An eager Chewie stands behind Han, who has a strained expression. Luke is between Han and Leia. His uncle looks drained but jovial. Leia appears hopeful and hesitant.

“Took you two long enough. We were getting worried,” Luke says with restrained disapproval. _Oh great. I guess the high from battle has already worn off_. He wonders if his family guessed the reason for their delay and he’s mildly embarrassed until his mother is swooping towards him and he can’t manage to think about anything else.

“Ben, I’m relieved to see you,” she says softly, her voice more hollowed out than he remembers. Ben glances at Rey who offers a reassuring smile. _Don’t look so shocked_ she tells him. _They love you_. Ben glances back to Leia and notices her eyes shimmering.

The tears surprise him. He has few memories of his mother crying, either because it was a rare occurrence or those are some of the childhood recollections that were corrupted and made unreliable.

“You’re so… tall,” Leia breathes, studying him fiercely.

Ben locks eyes with her and lets the silence bloom. He’s at a loss, words seeming inadequate or brash. His father appears and Ben inhales sharply.

“We’ve missed you, son.” Han rests a hand on his shoulder. The touch works wonders to eliminate inhibitions. Just like that, Ben falls toward his parents. Without hesitation, they surround him in their arms.

The hug goes on and on. Ben doesn’t even try to gauge how long. There’s a cascade of years he can’t track nor does he want to. There’s such unrelenting _acceptance_ in their arms, even after all he’s done. He chokes, splutters, comes apart while his parents hold him firmer.

After several long moments, they pull back and Leia smiles, _actually smiles_ , like she did when he was a child. 

Chewie barrels forward, an impatient wall of fur. He grabs Ben and the familiar smell of dirt and sweat permeates the space. Ben shuts his eyes. At once, Ben is transported back to when he would ride on Chewie’s shoulder, chase after him with a toy blaster, or fly through the air on Chewie’s arms. The Wookie rumbles with joy.

Luke stands nearby and Chewie reluctantly releases Ben. 

“There’s so much to convey, Ben. But for now, I want to say how much I wish I had known sooner.” 

Ben makes sure his face stays impassive as his emotions spike.

Luke deflates slightly and corrects himself. “ _I should have realized_ what was going on. It’s my failure, not yours.” His voice sounds old and withered, quite unlike a Jedi Master. Ben nods slowly.

“Thank you…” Ben looks down, unable to meet his uncle’s eyes. Ben clears his throat and faces Luke. “Thank you for killing Snoke. I don’t know if I could have done that.”

“I do,” Rey bursts in, certain and forceful. The wrinkles of anxiety loosen along with Ben’s jaw and shoulders. She seizes his arm possessively and beams. He’s never experienced this level of wholehearted belief. _Will I ever actually be deserving of your faith in me_?

Rey looks at him with a crinkled nose. “Ben,” she chastises quietly and sends more through their bond. _Could you be denser? More obtuse? My faith in you is limitless_. 

Ben can’t help it; he smiles. His whole body turns to Rey, each piece of him giddy with her brightness.

It takes several seconds before Ben and Rey detect all of the staring eyes. Ben’s cheeks turn hot and he can tell the fuschia color has reached his ears. Rey looks defiant and proud. Ben melts a little bit at the sight.

Leia smiles comically large while Han smirks at Ben. Unsurprisingly, Luke presses his lips together. _Not the Jedi way, I know…_. 

Rey nudges him. _And I’m so kriffing glad_ she exclaims in his head.

“Rrrrhhhgggg, rwwwgggh!”

The response to Chewie’s comment is immediate and multifold: Ben flinches, Rey lets out a snort, Han hoots, and Leia hides a grin.

“Please don’t call me ‘cub’ anymore, Chewie. I’m twenty-nine. And Rey isn’t anybody’s ‘woman’...”

Rey flashes her teeth gleefully and Han laughs harder.

“Moving on,” Leia interrupts smoothly, her eyes alight. “Luke told us what happened. You two fought well together, taking on the guards. And now Snoke is dead,” Leia says, a hint of disbelief tinging the words. “And I have my son back.” Her tone shifts to relief and gratitude. Ben blinks rapidly.

“They came to save me.” Be says it more for his benefit than hers.

“Yes. Han and Chewie dropped Rey off, of course demanding to do more, but you know as well as I how absurd it would be for the _Falcon_ to face off with the _Supremacy_.”

Han’s eyebrows stitch together, partially serious. “I’ve been in stickier situations before.”

His mother releases a short laugh and Ben sniffs softly. He senses there is more so he waits.

“Let’s… Head back to the base. There’s much to discuss. But I imagine you’re hungry.”

Ben realizes he is ravenous. “Alright. Will there be… Others around?”

“We’ll clear them away,” Han replies promptly and places his hand on Ben’s shoulder. The gesture is possessive and excited, things Ben can’t recall feeling from father before. _This will take some getting used to_. 

_Maybe not as long as you’d think_ Rey replies and squeezes his hand.

They spend an hour eating together in the empty mess tent. Tt reminds Ben of that meal on Chandrila after flying the _Falcon_ ; voices overlapping, jokes being repeated for those who couldn’t hear until the punchline loses its meaning, and talking with mouths full and eyes wide. He aches with the comfort of the scene, the faces that look at him with destabilizing compassion and interest. He realizes that they’re trying to make up for what they’ve lost, each year purposefully rejected for one reason or another. It stings the deepest of his wounds.

But more than anything, he feels loved.

* * *

After they finish eating, Luke and Chewie peel away. Leia motions for Han to stand and Ben stiffens in his seat.

“Ben, we’d like to talk with you, if you’re comfortable with that.”

He knows what this is. _Will I ever be comfortable_? Working his jaw, he glances at Rey. 

_Would you like me to come?_ she asks silently.

_I think I have to do this on my own. But please find me…_

_As soon as it’s over, I promise_ , Rey replies and kisses his temple. Ben decides it’s not enough and pulls her to his lips, both yearning and grateful. She smiles into the caress and cups the back of his head. A tingling erupts on his scalp at the touch.

Not caring who sees, Ben opens his mouth and pulls her deeper. Rey gasps and _giggles_. At the sound, his eyes pop open and he grins. It feels unfamiliar on his mouth but entirely right. 

“I’ll see you soon,” she says and crosses the mess tent. Ben can’t help but track her, already missing the seemingly impossible feeling of anchored lightness he experiences in her presence.

Han clears his throat to get Ben’s attention. Slowly, he stands and follows his parents to a separate tent. 

This one, though small, is well organized. He can tell at once it’s his mother’s quarters. Han, whose body seems to be manifesting its anxiety through scrunching his shoulders and wrinkling his forehead, pulls out a series of folding chairs. Han slumps into one and it creaks.

Leia slips into a chair and glances at him expectantly. Ben holds his breath and sits between them.

“Ben. We can’t tell you how happy we are to have you back. The battle you’ve waged with the light and dark is incredible. It’s required enormous strength. I want you to know that I see it now, your strength and perseverance.”

Ben wrings his hands and says nothing. Leia tilts her head, trying to get him to look at her.

“I must admit… I’m a little jealous. Of Luke getting to kill Snoke. I imagined throttling him myself. No Force tricks or lightsabers for me. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands,” Leia says slowly, unapologetically. She shudders and works to harden her expression. “I have some of Anakin in me, of course, though I never wanted to admit it. And yet I immediately jumped to that conclusion with my own son. That you took after Anakin more than anyone else.” Her shoulders sag, voice ragged. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’ve never been able to. Or I never tried to figure out _how_ to protect you. I failed, over and over. Even when I felt the darkness infiltrate my womb, seeking to stamp out your innate goodness.” Tears slip down her cheeks and she lets them. Or doesn’t notice.

Ben feels his vision turn blurry from his own bottled grief. _Here she is, in front of me, saying what I’ve yearned to hear for my whole life_. He’s not sure if he can possibly process it.

“I’m sorry, Ben. For letting my fear of the Force keep me from you. Keep me from unpacking my own trauma, healing my wounds, for the sake of you, our relationship…” Leia trails off to inhale deeply. “I could have done more. I could have learned to confront my grief, to connect with the Force. Instead, I shut the door to all of it. Including you.” A sob erupts but Leia refuses to look away.

Ben, stunned and weak and barely holding on, straightens in the chair. He places a hand on his mother’s back.

“I understand. It won’t happen immediately… to forgive and trust, fully. But at least I can begin to understand. I’m sorry your life has been full of such misery.” 

Leia stares at him.

“Even now, you comfort _me_?” Her smile contains melancholy. “I’m so proud of you Ben. After everything, the unimaginable, your heart remains the most beautiful thing I’ve ever encountered.”

Ben blanches, eyes wide. “Uh…,” he shakes his head. “I don’t know about that. I just want you to know… I love you.” His voice cracks. _When last did I say that_?

“I love you, too. My sweet Ben.” She grabs his shoulders and pulls. He tenses instinctively but eventually relaxes into her. Suddenly he’s once more a child being cradled by his mother after a nightmare so vivid it sent him raving.

“You are stronger than Anakin could ever be, Ben. You’re stronger than all of us. Not a single choice you made was for yourself. Everything you did was out of love, out of selflessness. In fact, I think that’s something we need to work on. Some positive selfishness,” Leia says and smiles.

Ben raises his eyebrows, unsure what she means. Before he can question her Han interrupts. The man leans forward in his chair to lock eyes with Ben. In the brown depths are a level of persistence and sincerity much at odds with Han’s usual carefree demeanor.

“We should have done more for you. If I could go back...” His voice breaks off, sluggish with emotion.

“I know,” Ben says quietly and gazes at his father. He tries to produce a smile but all he manages is a grimace.

“We know, _finally_ , what it must have felt like. The whole Rey situation. She had to explain it to us.”

Ben furrows his brow. “What do you mean?” His tone comes across as suspicious, defensive. _I haven’t been open with anyone for so long. Can I possibly handle this? Listening patiently to my parents after years of shutting each other out_?

He hasn’t fully processed the fact that he’s free from Snoke, that Rey came for him. That all these years his family loved him. Ben fears this looming confession will surely push him beyond control.

“That you felt we replaced you. With Rey. We were selfish and felt guilty. We wanted to try again, to get it right. I was ashamed of my failures. Of how we shipped you off. Even if it seemed like the best thing for you, I know it was only best for _me_ ,” Leia rasps. “We stubbornly refused to realize that we had you, we had an opportunity… a responsibility to make everything better with our child.”

“We sent you away because we felt helpless. And that’s not what parents do. We were afraid and never fully devoted ourselves the way we should have…” Han works his jaw. “We thought we could add a baby to our lives and nothing would actually change. Your mother thought she could be an active politician, to rebuild the world, which is admirable.” Leia stays silent, her watery eyes trained on Ben. “I refused to give up my habit of flying around the galaxy without regard for anyone else... This was our first mistake: thinking having a child wouldn’t require us to give anything up. But a baby changes everything. We were too bullheaded to acknowledge that.”

Ben’s stomach drops as he stares at his contorted hands. Abruptly, his mother is forcing hers onto one of them, clinging desperately at his fingers. Han crouches nearby, and _that can’t be good for his knees_ but Ben lets his father grasp his other hand. 

These are the words Ben has wanted to hear his whole life. And yet, in this instant, he’s not sure if he’s capable of listening, of _hearing_. He clamps his eyes shut.

“My next mistake was letting my fear control me; fear of my biological father, fear of each loss I hadn’t allowed myself to fully mourn. Fear that the darkness in our family was inevitable.”

Leia’s voice falters and she grows silent. Ben’s heart hammers within his ribs. Han places a free hand on Leia’s back and they become a circle of grief and responsibility and hopefully, maybe one day, forgiveness.

“My fear was that I couldn’t be a good enough father for you, wasn’t suited for _you_ , Ben. I don’t have the Force, didn’t even believe in it before I met Luke and Leia. When I realized how powerful you were, it scared me.” Han grits his teeth. “More than parenting ever did, and that’s saying a lot. I knew I couldn’t possibly be enough. But I reasoned that maybe Luke could.”

Tears slip from Ben’s eyes, his parents’ regret and shame a miasma swirling around him. It’s baffling to hear them take such complete ownership of the things that have haunted him, to look directly at the issues they’ve pushed to the periphery for nearly three decades.

They are looking at _him_ without layers of distance, indifference, or resignation. He feels no waves of dread or abhorrence coming from either of them. Ben shudders under the intentional gazes, the weight of their acknowledgment pressing him into the forest floor. He shakes his head but they keep going. _How can there be anything left to say_?

“And then we thought maybe we could go back, try to correct everything that went wrong. With Rey, it was easier. I thought we could be the parents we failed to be with you. It was a clean slate but we defaulted to our old habits all the same. During this time, we still thought we knew what was best for you.” She inhales shakily. “We didn’t know about her connection to Palpatine. The nauseating irony of it…” Leia’s hands cover her face and a guttural sound cracks the air. She becomes liquid, flowing to the floor in a rush of fabric. Han follows her at once. Without being conscious of what he’s doing, Ben sinks to the ground.

“But… It’s more than that. Don’t you understand? I’m complicit. In the destruction of Hosnian Prime. In so many deaths. I argued against the attacks but stood by while they happened…I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve any of this.”

Ben’s guilt becomes noxious and pervasive. He collapses on himself, monstrous remorse and self-loathing coiling viciously inside him. Its grip increases and he’s sure his bones will break. When a familiar dark murmur at the back of his mind stirs, it threatens inescapable destruction. _No, Snoke is dead... There can’t be any other voices_. The thought pleads within the fissures of his mind.

There is a mess of arms as they embrace. Tears proliferate until Leia’s braid swoops near his nose. It smells like all of the good bits of his childhood. It extends a branch and Ben grasps at it desperately. Han’s breaths become steadier as he holds them both.

“Yes, you are complicit,” Leia says softly. “As we are complicit in the deaths of countless people over many decades. This is a reality we must learn to accept. To own your mistakes is the way to move forward. You joined the dark side because you felt it was the way to keep Rey safe. That is part of the truth, too. We all must learn to forgive ourselves so we can do better.” Leia looks at him, eyes cracked open and reflecting her own well-honed guilt. Ben swallows the acid burning his throat and tries to nod.

Han gruffly tugs at his son until Ben’s head comes closer. Their three foreheads meet and Ben can’t breathe, can’t orient himself. He shuts his eyes and tries to soak in the rough, persistent touches that ground him.

Once more, time becomes meaningless. They linger in their positions, however uncomfortable, and Ben begins to feel something like peace. The onslaught of their confessions left him winded. At this point, oxygen floods him so entirely he grows lightheaded. 

Han mumbles something barely audible and Ben almost doesn’t hear it. He feels his dad’s fingers grip his arm urgently and tries again.

“Ben, I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I’m sorry I didn’t do my best. I’m sorry I gave up and thought it was alright to start over with some other kid.” Ben worries he’ll drown in his father’s eyes.

When Ben feels another wave of grief engulf him, Leia’s tears lessen, and Han becomes steadier. His parents shift from confession to comfort naturally, effortlessly. They lean over their son to tether Ben through the current.

“Even though Snoke is dead-” he chokes. “There’s a shadow. I feel it, even now. I thought the voice would be gone. But there’s something…” Ben gasps, grabbing violently at the sides of his head. “I don’t know what to do!” His voice spikes in volume and pitch.

“Ben, we’ll figure it out,” Han replies gruffly, taking a firm hold on both Ben’s hands. “You’re safe. We will make sure you don’t have to suffer anymore, son.” Ben has never heard his father’s voice overflow in quite this way.

“Whatever it is, we’ll confront it together. You’re not alone,” Leia says quietly.

To his own amazement, Ben believes them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for going on this journey with me. It's been a surprising challenge to write but so worthwhile, both emotionally and in terms of improving my writing. Next up is the achingly happy epilogue. So prepare to brush your teeth, it's gonna be sweet.
> 
> I wish I could give each of you your favorite cookie for reading this. In lieu of that, I was thinking about putting together a playlist for this fic. Is anyone interested in that?


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooeeee, this is not what I was imagining for the epilogue. It's more domestic than I thought it would be. But it just grew into this thing that is slow and reflective. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it.

Sunlight transforms the lake to rippling gold. Each minor wind-swept crest glints against a fresh blue sky. Clusters of clouds resist the wind and gather at the eastern horizon. It smells warm and clean, a promise of spring. 

Ben notes the details, each phenological shift and fluctuation. Bunched together by the rocks are minuscule sprigs of flowers that signal a transition between seasons. A skittering sound alerts him to a terrestrial lizard he learned the name of as a child but can’t recall now. Strips of bright green kelp dry in the sun, filling Ben’s nose with the tang of lake water.

The world overflows with observable events, the likes of which he didn’t think he’d have the chance to witness.

He takes a few steps into the water, letting the cool liquid lap at his feet. This was his favorite place to swim as a child. He hopes he can share that with his own child soon.

 _Once it’s warmer, little star_.

Ben walks along the bank as the sun hoists itself higher. Hanna City offers a dull hum too distant to be distracting. The scene saturates his senses, an enraptured merging.

After coming every day for months he hasn’t tired of the experience. He imagines himself as the lake, longing for a balance between the extremes he’s used to; weighted but able to evaporate, cold despite the sun slicing warmth into the expanse, enclosed yet desperate to flow away, somewhere _else_. Today he mimics the surface, reflective, calm, neither immovable nor erratic. He finds an equilibrium of self and space.

Ben’s sweater and pants keep the chill at bay. To his chagrin, everything about his life has changed, except for his wardrobe. Darker hues have always felt natural, less conspicuous. And never before has he been able to dress as he wants, for comfort instead of what his role as padawan, runaway, or Knight required. 

It has been over two years since he was beholden to others. The battle on Exegol marked the start of a mystifying chapter, one of actualization and restoration, of building something unprecedented. To this day, Ben can’t quite comprehend what happened; that Palpatine survived the Death Star, that he and Rey were able to locate the wayfinder, find Exegol, and destroy the Final Order. It took everyone to confront the resurging Sith. 

Thinking of how dangerously, obsessively his parents kept the promise they made, _You are not alone_ , distresses him. Ben had never seen them entirely consumed to that degree before, and that was saying something, considering their tendency to over commit. As afraid as he was for their safety, he had to appreciate their bravery and determination. He hadn’t felt deserving and yet, they were there with him every step of the way. 

With him to confront his Knights were his parents, Luke, Chewie, and Rey. Lando and a shocking number of Resistance allies beat back the fleet above as Ben and everyone else fought below. It was quite a rag-tag team of rebels, Jedi, and scoundrels. But they’d won.

Palpatine’s death left a startling vacancy within Ben’s mind. Without realizing it, the voices had carved out a huge space that writhed and heaved, swelled and beat back any encroaching light.  
He had no conception of what it could be like to live without the voices, the venom, the _isolating lies_. 

He was unshackled. The extraordinary ability to exist within himself, free of the dark side, leaves Ben trembling. To dictate his own reasoning, cultivate his own joy, and coach himself through anger are priceless gifts he struggles to fathom. But gifts he treasures.

Of course, Rey helps.

She always has. From the moment he saw her on this planet over sixteen years before, sending shockwaves through him with her _familiarity and significance_ , she has never let up. Rey was central to everything, the star that caused everything to spin circles around it. She imbued his life with a bewildering importance as he stood on the precipice of being lost forever. 

When in dreams he discovered their link as the dyad, he had finally understood. And it had made him profoundly elated. To know that someone existed in tandem with him, someone who could know and feel and share everything awoke something long dormant. His desire to protect her overpowered all else.

The bundle strapped to his chest wiggles and Ben panics. But after a beat the baby settles, one tiny fist scrunched by her face. He stops to stare at her, wonder and astonishment melding as one.

She’s incredibly _small_. The baby could fit in his hand at first, rounded and delicate and painfully precious. Over the first three months of her life, she has grown rapidly. It startles him to move through time at such a pace. He wants to bottle every second with his child, every wrinkle of nose and crumpling of chin.

 _Just a little longer and we’ll head back to your mother_.

As hard as it’s been on Rey, Ben relishes all of it, including the late-night cries that require him to slump out of bed and comfort the baby. The recovery has been challenging, and breastfeeding has posed several hurdles. _I wish I could do more_.

But Rey says emphasizes in her fierce way that he does enough.

“Do we believe it’s ever enough? Not at all…” Ben says conspiratorially to the sleeping infant. He lowers himself deftly onto a rock to put on his boots. Barely audible murmurs reach his ears as she sinks lower in the sling. The warmth of having his baby close makes his heart become solvent, uncontainable. It sloshes around, making him feel drunk with giddiness. 

As he’s rising to stand she releases a sleepy coo noise and Ben shakes his head, smiling inwardly. _How can this unimaginably marvelous child exist_? He often has these thoughts of disbelief and awe. And he’s doubtful they’ll ever completely go away.

He places a hand on her forehead, fingertips pressed upon the feather-fine hair. She shares his propensity for eager curls and it makes him happier than almost anything he can think of, that any part of him could contribute to someone so exquisite, gentle, and vibrant.

Ben checks the sun and begins walking home. 

“It’s going to be a full day.” 

When the house is in sight a voice rings out.

“Ben!”

Looking up, Ben spots his friend approaching with excited steps. 

“It’s actually you!” Tai shouts as he comes closer, cheeks turned up and eyes dancing. 

“Tai! It’s good to see you. It’s been too many years.” Ben pulls him into a hug, mindful of the baby between them. Tai sinks into the embrace before pulling back.

Tai’s grin is wider than Ben has ever seen it. “You’ve grown up.” 

“As did you. The facial hair suits you.”

The man’s face colors briefly. “Sylas likes it this way. And I have no preference, so...” Tai shrugs bashfully and changes the subject.

“Ben, you’re a dad! Congratulations! What a _tiny_ human…” He bends his knees to peer into the fabric swaddle.

“Yes, though it continues to astound me.” Ben’s eyebrows shoot up as he quirks his lips.

Full of meaning, Tai’s eyes dart up to his. “I’m not surprised in the slightest. You always yearned for family.”

The words make Ben pause as a familiar sadness settles in him, heavy and dense.

“You helped with that, you know. You were my only friend.” He shuffles his feet and continues. “I don’t know how I would have survived the academy without you, Tai.” Ben brings his eyebrows together, desperately that the sincerity is clear and fervent enough to match his emotions.

Tai shrugs again but not dismissively. “I think we helped each other.” He speaks the words matter-of-factly, gratefully, before refocusing on the baby. Ben eases into the silence, content to stare at the sleeping face. Unable to stop himself, he touches her balled fist.

“What’s her name?” 

“Meridi.” It’s unfamiliar on his tongue, still completely heart-stoppingly _new_.

“Meridi,” Tai tests it out thoughtfully. “It’s lovely. What does it mean?”

Ben clears his throat and allows his gaze to rest on her. “Dawn. It comes from an old Alderaanian story my mother used to tell me.”

Tai chuckles. Ben looks up.

“What?”

“Ben Solo. Ever the optimist.”

A laugh escapes Ben, loud and full. He lets the absurdity of Tai’s comment wring him out, the joy of being with his friend triggering a strange nostalgia. Meridi squirms at the volume.

“That’s the least accurate thing you’ve ever said,” he retorts as the laughter diminishes.

Tai suddenly looks serious. “You never saw yourself like I did. You always held onto such fervent hope. It was one of my favorite things about you.”

The candor sobers Ben. He glances down and scratches at the back of his neck.

“I never thanked you. For always seeing me… for seeing _that_ when no one else would. Or even could.”

Tai places a hand on Ben’s shoulder, making him look up. “That’s not something to thank me for. It’s an observation I couldn’t have ignored if I’d tried.” Tai’s hand falls swiftly and he raises an eyebrow. “Of course, I _am_ waiting on a thank you for that time I saved your neck with Voe.” Whimsy traces Tai’s features.

Ben snorts. “Fair enough. Thank you for distracting her, though your ‘look over here there’s a Cracian thumper on the loose’ technique shouldn’t have worked at all.” Ben grimaces as he adds, “She really went for blood that day.” 

Tai is looking at him with an expression he can’t read. The next question could not have been predicted. “Have you forgiven yourself?”

A shock runs through Ben. He rolls his shoulders back and examines his reaction.

“No. But I’m working on that.” Flashes of memories, slick with death and destruction threaten to extinguish his resolve. But he sets his jaw and tries to ignore the acid in this stomach.

“Good. Radical forgiveness is one of the most important things sentient beings can choose.”

Ben doesn’t reply, instead inhales to the fullest extent of his lungs and tosses his head toward the house. “Want to see Rey? She’s probably done training by now.” Meridi makes a bubbling sound in her sleep.

“Training only a few months after having a baby?” Tai’s incredulity is clear.

“There’s no stopping Rey. Though she is technically capable of relaxing, it’s only acceptable to her for short periods of time. She prefers to be working, training, improving in _some way_. She’s relentless. But it’s inspiring.” They start walking. 

“Yes, I got that impression. I was struck by her commitment to you, especially that young. She was going to find you, no matter what.” 

Ben swallows and works his jaw. 

“In spite of all of my efforts, she did. And I’m glad.” It’s an absurd and insulting understatement and Ben regrets uttering something that _trite and inadequate_.

Sensing his distress, Tai grabs his arm. “I am too, Ben. I hate to imagine what you went through.” 

Two years ago the demonstration of concern and care would have made want to disappear, with an onslaught of unworthiness and grief. Now, Ben feels the intention of Tai’s words without recoiling. Allowing himself to register his friend’s compassion feels respectful, vital. But old habits die hard _and mine are particularly obstinate_.

“There’s no need to imagine it. I made choices and there were consequences. It’s in the past.”

“It’s not simply about making choices and dealing with the repercussions,” Tai says a bit sharply. “You were targeted, manipulated, abused for years. The fact that you’re alive is a testament to your strength. I don’t know of anyone as resilient as you, Ben. You have to acknowledge what you’ve survived.”

Ben sighs heavily. “I suppose I have more to accept, to process. And anyway, you’re just as bad as I am when it comes to accepting kind words.” 

They reach the door and pause together.

“Fair enough. But… Please be kind to yourself. This type of healing...” Tai sighs. “It seems like it could take a while. And it’s not linear. I want you to give yourself space. Patience and acceptance.”

“I’ll do my best,” Ben says and means it. He wraps his arms around Tai. “Thank you.”

Tai nods and tightens his grip.

After several seconds Ben feels Rey through their bond. Her signature rustles near his without prying or intruding. He allows his own to meet hers and releases his friend.

“I think Rey’s excited to see you.” 

Tai raises his eyebrows in gleeful anticipation as Ben opens the door.

“Tai!” 

Rey had apparently been hovering by the door because her arms capture Tai faster than he can orient himself to the room. He huffs out a laugh as her arms encircle him.

“Rey, I’ve missed you.” Tai’s voice is muffled by Rey’s loose hair.

“You have no idea,” she replies and leans back to look at him. “You look great!”

A shy smile sprouts on his face. “As do you. Your baby definitely takes after each of you in charming and relieving ways.”

“You mean you’re glad Meridi doesn’t have my ears, don’t you?” Ben gives him a comically pointed look.

Both Rey and Tai cover their faces. 

“Speaking of the baby, it’s my turn!” Rey kisses Ben and removes Meridi from her nook on his chest. The infant awakens from the movement.

“She’s been sleeping soundly. I imagine she’ll be hungry soon,” Ben says as he reluctantly watches Meridi leave the sling. Rey moves to the couch and Ben follows.

Since becoming a father, he has found himself magnetically attached. As long as he’s close to one of them, he’s content. All of his disparate pieces fit together in the orbit of his family. Their energy softens each edge. And luckily, neither of them seem bothered by his hovering.

“How was training?”

“It was exhausting,” Rey says and gives Tai an impatient look. “I thought I would recover faster. But this whole process has depleted me more than I’d like to admit. Of course, I love her enough to tolerate the rest.” Rey’s cheeks are rosy as she plays with Meridi’s curls.

“Hm, I can only imagine. My unsolicited advice for you is the same as what I was telling your husband; give yourself time and be patient.”

There’s a vibration through their bond at the sound of _husband_ and Ben’s chest seizes.

Rey brightens. “Yes, that’s good advice. I’m better at dishing it out than accepting it.”

 _I know we haven’t had a guest in a while but you should offer Tai something to drink_ , Rey reminds him as she settles into the breastfeeding position. Ben automatically tucks her preferred pillows under each elbow, checks her comfort level, and stands.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Some water would be great. I’ll come with, to give Rey some privacy.” 

Rey makes an ‘I don’t really care’ face but doesn’t protest, letting them talk further.

They walk to the kitchen as Tai says, “The house is great. Is this where you grew up?”

“Yes. I was kind of shocked I ever wanted to come back here. But Rey and I discussed it for days… Reclaiming things. Spaces, names, emotions, experiences. To reclaim seemed important.” Ben stands in the kitchen, lost in the words.

“That’s a powerful thing to do. It takes courage. Are you happy here?”

 _Tai is direct, like someone else I know. That must be why you two got along_ , he tells Rey.

 _You need direct people. It cuts through all the self-deprecating nonsense, Ben_ , Rey replies and he feels her smile.

He brings himself back to the present task. “I am. It’s quite nice living in this house. It was unexpected that my parents had kept it and when it came up in conversation that we could stay here, it made sense, in a full-circle kind of way.”

Ben fills a cup and hands it to Tai.

“But we do get off-planet when we can. The trip to Naboo is coming up,” Rey calls from the other room. Ben and Tai migrate to join her.

“Oh, that is getting close. Thank you again for the invite. Is the whole family going?” 

“Yes, Uncle Lando, too. Only my parents have met Meri, so... Poor baby won’t know what to do with all of those people crowding around her.” 

Rey raises her eyebrows at Ben.

“I’m not sure if _I_ will be able to handle it, if I’m being honest. Poe, Finn, Rose, and Jannah... It will be a lot of people all in one place. I prefer smaller gatherings, but I really shouldn’t complain. Being part of Ben’s family is more than I could have hoped for.”

Ben leans over to kiss her shoulder, his heart turning staccato. She leans into it and sighs while Meri sways a fist in the air.

“Do you think you’ll come, too?” Ben asks Tai, trying to sound as neutral as possible. He knows it’s already too many people for Rey. There’s no denying it will be exhausting. And yet, he’s secretly thrilled to have everyone together, moved that so many people will be there. It wouldn’t be the same without his dearest friend.

“We’ll definitely try. After this visit, Sylas and I will be tracking some Force-sensitives in the Outer Rim. Luke asked for us to check out a few leads.”

Ben feels a tremor of emotion, old and stale. “Luke likes to keep everyone busy, it sounds like.”

“Actually-” Tai pauses, uncertain if he should go on. “We love to go on these missions. Helping kids who have no idea how to use the Force is the kind of meaningful work we’ve always wanted to do.”

Feeling his chest constrict, Ben says haltingly, “I can see the benefit of that. Maybe we can help. One day. When…” He looks at Rey, her gaze level, understanding, _loving_.

Tai rushes through his reply. “When you’re ready. If you decide to. There’s no rush, no pressure either way. You’ve got your hands full. On top of everything, didn’t you mention you’re also _teaching_?”

Ben stiffens, almost embarrassed. “Yes, a few hours a week at the school nearby. I started before Rey became pregnant and apparently never stopped. It gave some consistency to my weeks, some structure outside of myself. Does that make sense? It was Rey’s idea and I didn’t expect to like it. But it’s actually nice,” he finishes hurriedly.

Tai beams. “Lemme guess.” He strokes his chin thoughtfully. “You’re teaching science and technology?”

Ben jolts. “How did you know?”

“Your curiosity, of course. Your need for knowledge was always insatiable. It got you into trouble, as I recall.” 

“It’s true, Ben. Teaching suits you. And the kids love you, of course!” Rey looks at Tai. “I’ve been trying to convince him to offer a calligraphy course. His lettering is dazzling,” Rey overflows with pride.

“I remember! I support this idea.” Tai smiles.

Ben feels his ears flame and presses his lips together. “Uhm. Thank you. Anyway... Tell us about Sylas. How did you meet?”

Tai and Rey share a knowing look but allow the subject to change.

“It was on a mission with Luke, a few years after you left.” 

It’s an unnecessary addendum and it bothers Ben minimally. He can’t deny he has been getting better at acknowledging the past without it turning him into a sobbing mess on the floor. Rey grips his hand. 

Tai keeps talking. “It was on Dantooine. We’d heard about a child in one of the villages showing abilities. Sylas lived in the village. It was… A pretty quick attachment.” He looks shy.

“That’s fantastic, Tai. I can’t wait to meet him!” Rey says while adjusting the baby.

“Me either. Will he come by tomorrow for breakfast?” 

“Of course. That sounds wonderful. Who’s cooking?”

Rey flicks her toward Ben. “You don’t want anything I make.”

Meridi finishes eating and whines. Instinctively, Ben scoops her up and grabs the burp rag. He rests her on his shoulder, tucked between muscle and neck. The contact with his daughter makes the Force around him warble happily.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with tonight? We can skip the plan if you’d rather us stay.”

“No way, Ben. You and Rey need a chance to spend time together, separate from the baby. You will go to a nice place, eat a nice meal, and do whatever other _nice_ thing you need you,” Tai says with a wink.

Rey laughs. “It will be hard to leave Meri for the first time. But I have to admit, a night with Ben is too good to pass up.” She sends a flurry of excitement through the bond. 

Meri spits up onto the rag. As Ben rubs her back, the holovid indicates an incoming call. 

Ben gestures apologetically at Tai and carries Meri over to the desk.

“Ben!” calls a voice on the holovid. There’s no mystery who it could be. “I want to see my grandbaby!”

“Hi mom,” Ben replies, settling into the chair. “Here she is, freshly fed and burped.” He raises the brown-hair golden-eyed bundle and Leia gasps. 

“She is too precious for this world. No matter how often I see her, it won’t be enough. Hi, Meri! How are you today, sweet one?”

It’s odd to see the stern General of the Resistance become this high-pitched grandmother. But he treasures it. Han pops onto the video as Rey and Tai join them.

“She’s getting big. By the time we see her in person she’ll be walking,” Han says, looking unusually pleased to play along.

Rey snorts. “Oh no, please don’t say that, Han. We’re not ready for that level of chaos.”

“Is that Tai?” Leia interrupts, peering through the blue sheen.

“I’m here! Trying to get these two out of the house for a date.”

“That’s very generous. You were always a remarkable friend to Ben,” Leia says, eyes eclipsed with a veil of sadness. After a beat, she sloughs it off.

“How are you, Tai? We’ve heard you and your partner have been busy on various Jedi missions for Luke. I hope you’re only recruiting those who want to be recruited.” The words are sudden, harsh, and seem to rush forward before Leia realizes what she’s said.

 _She’s not the polished politician she used to be_.

 _But she did always have a tendency to speak what was on her mind, even if it would cause ripples_ , Rey counters.

Ben concedes the point with a flick of his head.

Tai shows no signs of offense. “Yes, we’re doing things differently now. Ben helped open Luke’s eyes to a lot of issues.”

Ben feels a brief tightening in his chest. His parents look satisfied with Tai’s comment. 

“How are you two?” Tai continues.

Han grimaces. “Bored. Getting Varykino reading for this family reunion is dull.”

Leia ignores him. “It’s extraordinary. Being here after everything that’s happened… it’s satisfying. We are enjoying the slow mornings and afternoon swims.” Her eyes sparkle through the holovid.

Han snorts. “I don’t swim.”

“Speaking of swimming, Rey, how are lessons going with Ben?”

“They’re not. Rey refuses to try without clinging to me and we can’t leave Meri on the bank alone.” Ben makes sure to catch Rey’s eyes tenderly as he teases.

“I’ll get there. I’m a fast learner, when I _actually_ want to learn.”

“Don’t worry, you and I can sit beside the lake and talk mechanics while everybody else hops around like a septapus in that frigid water.” Han quirks a smile.

“I like the sound of that.” Rey flashes her teeth.

“Alright, hold up the baby! That’s who we’re really here for,” Leia jokes.

Ben obliges, letting the wave of his mother’s voice sweep over him. It’s a daily goal to never take any of it for granted. _I’m safe, surrounded by the people I love. Hopeful for the future. Grateful for the present_.

Meri’s bowl movement tugs him from his reverie. 

“I definitely don’t miss _that_ part of having a baby,” Han chuckles.

“We’ll call tomorrow. By Meri! We love you all. We hope to see you soon, Tai!”

“Likewise, Leia. Han? Not so much.”

Han barks a laugh. “Maybe your humor can rub off on Ben. He’s too grim.”

Ben is already standing. “You just can’t handle my wit, dad,” he huffs cheerfully and heads to the diaper changing station. He doesn’t catch the following words but there’s another round of laughter that leaves his heart growing in size.

* * *

Rey settles at Ben’s feet as Tai holds Meri. She wants to make sure they are comfortable together before they leave the premises. And comfortable means _everyone_.

She watches as Tai holds the infant, at ease and confident. It amazes her until she remembers all of the children Tai lived with at the academy. She imagines he’ll have his own, one day. It’s clear how much he adores them.

Above Rey, Ben laces his fingers through her hair, braiding and looping expertly. One of their main pastimes includes braiding; quiet touches, weaving the past into the present, holding onto the pieces of Ben’s legacy that bring joy and meaning. 

When she’d first asked if he would braid her hair, he’d stood frozen, as by a Force trick. But then he turned to a river of movement, scooped her up, twirled her around, and gave her breathless kisses that started at her forehead and ended on her collar bone. 

Ever since he has done it with his trademark focus and dedication. _“I think it’s part of his healing, but I don’t know if he realizes it. And it makes me love him more than I ever thought possible. Is that ridiculous?” she’d asked Leia, who simply said, “Nothing could be less ridiculous, Rey.”_

As Ben works on her hair, she realizes the light yellow dress she picked out exposes her shoulders. _Is this too much? I’m a mom now, after all!_

 _You look absolutely stunning. And who says moms are supposed to dress a certain way?_ Ben replies as he finishes the half-up braid. He skips a few kisses along her neck and suddenly she is _very eager to be alone_. She stands and faces him, falling into his arms. 

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“Thank you.” His voice dances across her skin and she shivers.

“I think we’re well-acquainted now,” Tai says as he walks over to them. “Nice work, Ben. You could become a hairstylist if teaching doesn’t work out.”

Ben’s eyes widen in horror. 

“I’ll be his only client, thank you very much,” Rey replies with a teasing smile. Ben’s tense muscles loosen beside her. _Don’t you know by now? I’ll protect you from every threat. Including career choices that would make you miserable_.

A tremor shoots through him and she knows he finally, wholeheartedly believes her. 

She pulls Meridi into her arms to say goodbye. As much as she’s been looking forward to this night, it’s nerve-wracking to leave her child. But she trusts Tai and Ben looks incredibly handsome in his slate gray shirt and dark pants. His hair is characteristically full and shiny, reaching the neckline of his shirt in inviting waves.

When he sees her looking him over he blushes. He reaches for Meri, rosy ears flashing for a moment. 

“You’re going to play with Uncle Tai, little star. I know you’ll have fun with him. And your mother and I will be back later.” He cradles Meri and they stare at each other, eyes round and too big for her face, filled with splinters of color and light. Ben inhales sharply.

Rey knows that he’s second-guessing the plan. She takes his free hand reassuringly and guides him over to Tai.

“Ready?”

Ben’s head jolts up. “I guess.”

“Good. Thanks, Tai. We really appreciate your being here.”

Tai gives a single emphatic nod. “Have fun! Have an extra drink for me.”

As they leave the house, Rey feels the cold. 

“Kriff, I should have brought something to put on over this ridiculous dress.”

Ben wraps his arm around her and sends warmth through their bond.

“I like the dress. It’s beautiful and also utilitarian, which suits you.”

“Thanks, Ben.” She looks at him and grins. “I heard what you called her. _Little star_. I like it.”

Ben presses his lips into a line and Rey knows she’ll never grow weary of his tendency to be flustered.

The restaurant they chose is down the boulevard, close enough for them to feel at ease. They walk slowly in the growing twilight, bodies, minds, and souls overlapping. When they reach the entrance, Ben pauses in front of the ornate double doors.

He raises his hand to her cheek, tracing a thumb along the curve of her face. “I love you.”

Rey pops onto her toes to kiss him, long and wild. He grabs her firmly and subsumes her through the lips. Instantly they are uprooted, strewn across the sky, drenched in adoration, connection, and rightness. Her knees turn rubbery and lungs gasp for air. 

They linger, dissolving into the magnitude of the moment, flame-bright and ocean-deep. 

“I want you to know…” Ben starts, his voice thick and urgent. “How much I appreciate you. For collecting all the embers of my world and stoking a fire that sustains me. Doesn’t burn me up. Doesn’t take too much. It warms and lights and anchors my way.”

His eyes gleam in the starlight and Rey studies his face. She wonders how long he has been wrangling those words into that sequence. Her head tilts, acknowledging the words.

 _Be with me always_ she tells him as their lips brush.

And the Force agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING. I'm honored by your time, kudos, and comments. You are amazing to stick with this emotional beast of a story.
> 
> Thoughts on the baby's name? I'm a namenerd and struggled with it for a long time. I settled on Meridi, which I got from the Latin for _morning_. I liked the connection to the sea, and also meridian, and happiness. Most of the time, I see the Reylo baby named for people from the past. I like that. But this story called for something else.
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://myheartandsolo.tumblr.com/) where my AD/SW obsession lives aggressively.


	18. Playlist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this angsty fic. I can't write while listening to music but these are some of the songs from my 8+ hour SW playlist that I've been listening to for _months_.

_Ben Solo Theme_ ~ Samuel Kim

 _Nobody Knows_ ~ Kimberley Knighton

 _Runaway_ ~ Aurora

 _I Found_ ~ Amber Run

 _Waiting_ ~ Alice Bowman

 _You are a Memory_ ~ Message To Bears

 _i can’t breathe_ ~ Bea Miller

 _Here I am_ ~ The Boxer Rebellion

 _Lung_ ~ Vancouver Sleep Clinic

 _Human_ ~ Daughter

 _Howling_ ~ RY X

 _Hurricane_ ~ Tommee Profitt

 _VIII_ ~ Mt Wolf

 _The Wolves (Act I and II)_ ~ Bon Iver

 _Welcome Home Son_ ~ Radical Face

 _Start Again_ ~ Rob Simonsen, Faux Fix, Elena Tonra

 _Compass_ ~ Zella Day

 _Can We Kiss Forever?_ ~ Kina, Adriana Proenza

 _To Build a Home_ ~ Cinematic Orchestra

 _Light_ ~ Sleeping at Last

 _Proud of You_ ~ A L E X, Alicks

[Listen on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1rRrklLyte2lbL8EijWrc2?si=DlzqEhSHQD69HPWmqcpLJg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to read your thoughts and recommendations!

**Author's Note:**

> ✨Thank you for reading ✨ 
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://briaeveridian.tumblr.com/) where my SW obsession lives aggressively.


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